Hosting 101

A gentleman has his eyes on all those present; he is tender toward the bashful, gentle toward the distant, and merciful toward the absent.

Lawrence G. Lovasik

A few days ago, a clip from The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon caught some attention because of how he and Nicole Kidman first met. Several years ago, Nicole Kidman (certified by People Magazine as one of the 10 most beautiful people in the world) was interested in meeting Mr. Fallon, so she had a friend set them up. When she got to his apartment, he had no idea what to do or what to say, and not knowing it was that she was interested in him, proceeded to play videogames.

Watch the hilarious disaster below. 

He tried to excuse his behavior by stating he didn’t know this was a “date.” Others online dismiss it as the “awkward Geeky” Guy, and find it adorable. Me? I’m just am glad that Keth Urban came along and showed Ms. Kidman that #NotAllMen prefer Video Games to Ladies. Because even if he didn’t know it was a date, she was his guest and the very least you can offer a guest is your attention.

And I can bet he is not alone. I had previously mentioned the importance of having your home properly set up, but how do you handle visitors, be it romantic, professional, or simply amicable guests. So with that in mind, let’s deal with the basics of Hosting.

Hosting is not having a couple of college friends over to drink beer, eat chips and day old pizza, and play video games. There is nothing wrong with this, but this is definitely not hosting. Hosting is about creating a proper impression on your guest. So let’s break this down.

Attire:

I think mentioning that sweatpants, stained tshirts, trucker caps, or flipflops is not proper attire to greet should be obvious. Consider how you would dress up if you were meeting them outside; now take it down a bit. It’s that simple.

Food:

Unless this is a dinner party, food should be kept light. If your skills in the kitchen are lacking, sure, pull out the cheese and crackers. Just remember that cheese is for mice and crackers are for parrots, so… consider brushing up on your kitchen skills.

You don’t need to go full blown restaurant style hors d'oeuvres, but making some kind of appetizers should be fine. Look up some simple recipe in YouTube, especially something you could “improvise” in front of your guest. This way it doesn’t look like you planed it out.

Sprezzatura, my friend.

Refreshments:

Let me make something clear here, I am not saying you should have a fully stocked bar, or that you should be a trained mixologist. What I am saying is have options. Not everyone drinks scotch (Hey, I have learned to respect everyone, no matter their taste in poisons), not everyone drinks beer, and not everyone is a fan of wine. Some people don’t even drink spirits at all. Don’t force your own tastes on your guests, they are your guests after all. 

Be able to mix up something simple like a Mojito or a Martini if you really want to show off. Maybe have some Sangria premade in the fridge “just because.” I think that having some good coffee and the proper equipment to make it is a must, but then again I openly admit being a coffee addict.

Try to have the proper glassware for each spirit you might serve. Red Solo Cups are fine for frat boys, but you are no longer in a frat or are a boy. Cheap glasses are always better than expensive plastic cups.

Entertainment:

Do you know what is the most important item of entertainment in your entire home? YOU. Everything else should blend in the background and frame you as it’s your obligation to entertain your guest. They came over to see a movie? No. They came so YOU could share a movie with them. Same goes for music, and even Video Games. I would even advise against these things, except for music. The visit should be about conversation and enjoying each other’s company. Music should be used to set a mode, not to dominate it.

Special Note on the Video Games: Unless the guest brings over a game, DO NOT TURN ON YOUR GAME SYSTEM. Be an Urban, not a Fallon.

 

Sometimes You Lead, Sometimes You Follow.

Life’s a dance you learn as you go.

Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow.

John Micheal Montgomery

Every once in a while I get a request, a question, that leads to a rather interesting discussion. A fellow writer and activist is going to participate on a fundraiser and she asked me what attire would be appropriate for her companion. A simple enough question till she mentioned something of importance, the fact that SHE was one of the fundraisers and he was simply her escort. Jokingly, I mentioned that this turned him into an accessory to her. Truthfully? I wasn’t joking.

Before you get offended, consider some of the social stereotypes of gender roles for couples and how the world’s work environment is shifting. In the old day, it was common for a professional man to handle business while the woman would handle the social pleasantries. It was common for the wife to be a hostess to her husband’s dinner guests or for her to accompany him to social events, mainly to be charming. Successful business couples worked as a team where the wife would provide a socially comfortable environment to make it easier for her husband to work clients over.

With the meteoric rise of the Modern Women and couples where both work, business is no longer an exclusive “Boys’ Club.” Also, as a society we have moved past the “Work yourself to death” mentality, so social events are no longer the eminent domain of the “Wives’ Club.” Ironically this places a Gentleman and a Modern Woman in the best position possible as a couple for today’s society.

A well versed Gentleman should be charming enough to handle the social environment with the best sharks out there. So when it’s the Lady who has to handle the business side of the social situation, the Gentleman should just as easily step aside, from next to her to behind her. Think of yourself as a dancer at this time. Your role is to set up a frame and a support for your partner to shine.

So, are you now her accessory? Yes, but in the best way possible.

(Special thanks to Paula Duarte for the amazing picture for the article. See more of her work in Paula Duarte Tango.)

Upgrading Yourself.

Teach guys they can be better men. Show women there are better men.

Being Caballero

Way to often I find people saying that they are good enough, that they don’t need to change for anyone. This is true, and I will not argue against it. You are good enough, and you should never have to change to please anyone. But the fact that you are good enough shouldn’t mean you should stop improving yourself as a person.

I am not here to tell anyone that they are not good enough, nor am I here to make anyone feel any less of themselves. What I am here is to make guys realize that their most important asset is themselves and that asset can be developed and improved on, no matter who you are. If by doing so I can give hope to the women out there, frustrated by so many disappointments, that there are better men, great!

Because that’s what life is about, aiming to make yourself better, to invest in yourself and improve on your value as a person. Taking better care of your health, dressing sharper, or learning a new skill will only improve on what’s already there. So why should this be viewed as a negative thing?

Taking the time to work out only means you will be in better health and you end up looking better. Developing your cooking skills means you’ll eat better, and is an extremely useful skill to show others you care. Learning a new language can only serve to expand your horizons. Yet so many people complain that they are “happy with who they are” so they will resist aggressively to any improvement on themselves.

It’s not that you are not good enough. It’s that you can always be better. But “Better” requires effort. “Better” requires work. And that is what people complain against. Everyone wants change and a better life, yet not everyone is willing to put in that effort. And that’s ok.

Just don’t complain about those willing to be Better and people who want Better. 

Soul Mate Is A Title Earned

Soul mate is a title earned over time.

Being Caballero

A few weeks ago I was involved in an interesting debate over an article about finding the “One”, the person who you will love for the rest of your life. What brought about the debate was not the article itself but a comment done by one of the reader. He questioned, in a rather spirited and colorful way (lots of swearing and F@U’s where involved), the author’s ability to talk about “the One” when barely past his 20’s. The group got almost automatically divided by those in their 20’s and those past their 30’s. Keep in mind that the comment never questioned the author’s ability to write about love, or about young relationships. The comment did question the author’s life experience in a long term relationship to be able to talk about “the One.”

I have never been one to question the millennials, as every single younger generation has been questioned by their older counterparts. But in this case I had to agree with the comment this time, as I feel that time and life are the truest test of a relationship.

One of the younger writers questioned this, especially when I criticized the use of the term “Soul Mate’ and how easily this word is thrown around. He questioned the idea that age automatically gave wisdom. Sure, age doesn’t necessarily give wisdom, as I have met plenty of unwise older people.  And I also will admit that some young people will have lived more before their 30’s than most people live their entire lives. I would never question the life experiences others have, or turn them into a pissing contest. The most I can do is consider things based on my own life experience.

By my mid-twenties I had been engaged twice, found 4 ‘Soul Mates’, about 6 ‘Happily Ever After’s, and endless ‘This Is The One’s. Now in my 40’s and well over a decade married, I realized that love is not about how much you love the person when you are happy with them, but rather how much you love them when you are ‘not as happy with them.’ (Read as ‘Pissed Off’ at them.) Because anyone who thinks that relationships are a happy world based off unending random waltz’s, happily ever after’s, and  magical sunsets has been pretty much set up to fail thanks to Romantic Comedies.

Relationships are hard work, as it’s all about having the dedication to keep it going and keep it interesting. You will have those magical moments, but you will also have moments when you can’t really stand each other. It’s about finding that special someone you want by your side willing to fight life’s challenges with you. It’s about finding someone worth “Not Quitting” for, even when everyone around you expects you to quit. It’s about finding someone who still fills your heart, even after those same challenges and those same thoughts about quitting fill your mind. And that’s something you don’t know you have till you have walked through the fire. It’s easy to talk about ‘happily ever after’ when you haven’t thought how long ‘ever after’ really is.

And that’s the challenge. Find someone you love enough that makes you want to be your best while at the same time makes you keep in check your worse. Find someone who loves you enough to do the same back. And more importantly, build a strong relationship that, after the worse of either one is shown, both of you want to keep it alive.

To all the young readers, THAT is a Soul Mate; a title earned after surviving challenges, challenges that only come though time. And I wish you the best of luck at finding it because many of those not as young are still searching for theirs.