#MentorsMatter

Every kid needs a mentor. Everybody needs a mentor.

Donovan Bailey

We’ve probably all heard the comments, of how boys have few male role models thanks to the absentee fathers. This is the main reason why we have today men who don’t know how to be good men, men of character and integrity. Personally? I don’t buy it.

That would mean any man raised by a single mom, by a dad who has to work double shifts just to make ends meet, the sister raising her little brother, or any other combination of alternate family would predestine the boy to grow up into a less than worthwhile man.  It also means that any boy raised with an ever present father will automatically become a good man. And both cases, as we’ve seen in life, are bullshit.

Do boys need a good male role model? Absolutely! Does it HAVE to be the father? It would be nice, but not necessarily. You see, male role models come in every single shape and size, ever profession and every social class. Just look back at your own life. What man showed you what it meant to be a good man? It’s might have been the sports coach, the school teacher, the martial arts instructor, your first manager, your counselor, your drill sergeant, or simply your next door neighbor.

Male role model and mentors are nothing more than the man who shows you by example how to be a good man. It’s about giving boys hope, that they can be more than they are now. It’s about minimizing the gap between the boy they are now and the man they could be in the future. It’s not about pointing out everything that kids today do wrong, but about showing them what they could be if they tried to do things right.

And on the flip side, being an example to these boys keep us in check, something we desperately need as well. They remind us that our actions have meaning, to reconsider every time we want to quit, to do the right thing every time we’re given options, and to walk the path of the righteous man. Nothing keeps someone walking the straight and narrow as knowing they make a difference in someone’s life.

You might think that you’re not role model material, or that it’s unfair to place that kind of responsibility and burden upon your shoulders. Guess what. You don’t really have a choice in the matter. You’re actions will either be an example or a justification to the actions of those who come up behind you. Realizing this means you own up to every single action, attitude, and decision you make in your life. No longer are you living for yourself, but rather you start living for everyone else within society.

You want a world full of great men? You want men to walk within a positive life? You want boys who can make a difference? Start by being a great man, walking a positive life, and make a difference. If you’re lucky, someone will be watching and taking notes.

The Craftsman And His Apprentice (Guest Post)

Again, the wordsmith Luke Davis graces us with another of his posts. I leave you now with “The Craftsman and His Apprentice.”

As an apprentice Jim was given the job of making bread boards, knife blocks and other simple household knickknacks. The complicated work of course was done by Simon who did the chairs and cabinets and other ornate work. Every Saturday on market day, Jim’s work would be put outside for sale while the ornate work was reserved for inside. Every week nearly all of Jim’s goods would sell while only very rarely did Simon’s, but when they did they sold for quite a large sum of money. This bothered Jim a little.

Firstly, he always worried about his work, he was only a new apprentice and his products lacked the finesse that Simon could have done. Every Saturday he fretted over every flaw that people might see in his goods and resolved to do a better job next week. Secondly, he wondered why Simon put the worst goods, Jim’s, out on display where everyone could see while he hid his finest quality work inside the shop. Surely Simon would make a greater profit with his best material forward.

So one day Jim asked Simon about his worries, why did Simon do things this way? Of course Simon answered. “I have my finest work on display, every week my customers walk by and they can see what sort of man I am crafting. If I couldn’t craft a man I would merely be a carpenter and of no use in this town. Furniture they can buy in yonder city, but only men like me can take a boy like you and turn him into a man. So when I judge you ready, a craftsman you shall be, and together we will craft more men. Parents will seek us out hoping to place their sons at our door because every week for longest of times they have seen my finest work.”

The Example Others Need

Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected.

Steve Jobs

If you have been reading my posts for a while, you will have noticed how I emphasis the idea that you have to better yourself for yourself. I don’t believe in the idea that you become a better person to impress others, that you can’t be a gentleman if your intention is to be liked or respected, but rather you might be liked or respected because you are a gentleman. With that said, there is one important bonus to carrying yourself as a noble man, and that is your ability to inspire others, specially boys and young men, to strive to be more. You become the example that others need.

We live in a society that offers young men few proper role models. Between boys being raised in families with little interaction with their fathers, a mass media that promotes self-centered narcissism and entitlement, and a social media that reduces young men into the social problem they can become, becoming the exception to the norm is an act of social obligation all good men must strive for. We need to prove to these future men that not all men are the same. We need to prove that they aren’t predestined to become the absentee father figure, the irresponsible man-child, nor the potential criminal.

You might think that not being a father is enough excuse to ignore this aspect of being a Gentleman. You can’t, not if you want to honor what it means to be a true Gentleman. These boys are starved for proper examples, for someone who believes they can be more. You see it as they gravitate towards that Teacher who believes they can excel, to the Sensei who teaches them and confidence, to the Coach who teaches them to push their limitations, to the Mentor who gives them guidance, or simply the random Gentleman who treats them with respect when nobody else will.

Yes, you become better for yourself. But you can only be a better man when you pass on those lessons to others. Isn’t that what being a better man is about? Selflessly living for others, raising others beyond what they could be on their own?

So walk proudly and properly. Carry yourself with dignity while treating everyone with respect. Become a beacon of virtue as you never know who’s looking up to you at that very moment. You might be the example someone needs to become more.

Chivalry: Is it Needed?

Since it is so likely that children will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage.

C.S. Lewis

So, we have already discussed if Chivalry is dead and if it’s sexist. The next big question is if it’s even needed, especially in these modern days of gender equality. To discuss this, I am going to have to take a mind frame that I usually try to avoid, to focus at the negative aspect of this generation and the one to come of age. I say that I try to avoid this because I have never believed in judging one generation as if the previous one was exempt of their own issues. I also am a firm believer that spotlighting negative aspects does little to create positive results, but if we don’t understand the negative aspects that today’s men deal with, we can’t really understand if Chivalry is truly needed.

We live in a society that is providing men two options; become the douchebag slacker/mook or men who have been taught to be ashamed of being a man. Combine that with a scarcity for proper role models and a society that focuses on selfishness and self-gratification, we are left with a poor profile of what we can expect from modern men.

We are bombarded most media with the image of the slacker man-child, the incompetent dad, and the douchebag asshole; all of which are justified with the simple notion that you can’t expect any more from men. In social media, we are then bombarded with the idea that toxic masculinity has made all masculinity something of a death trap for anyone who relates with men in general. We have become guilty of the crime of being men, unless we ourselves begin to condemn the dangers of being a man, because apparently men have no self-control over their animal instincts.

With so many outside influences telling young men they aren’t good enough, you would think that we provide them with some kind of positive example, a role model to teach them what they can do right. Yet they are left to look up to men who can get away with domestic abuse, drug charges, and sexual violence simply because of their athletic ability, musical talent, or financial situation. The boys are learning these lessons well as we can see in our current college campuses.

Instead of telling boys everything they are doing wrong and will do wrong, why don’t we give them examples they can look up to, give them hope that they can be more, and teach them that life isn’t about “what’s in it for me,” but about “what can I give back.” That’s what Chivalry has been about from the beginning, men who live in a way that they set an example to others, who lead by doing, and inspire others to dream about achieving better world.

We need to stop glamorizing the slacker and the douchebag. We need to stop equating toxic masculinity with all masculinity. We need to teach boys to strive for more than just sliding by. We need to men that being a man isn’t an excuse for incompetent parenting, and that the label of Dad is earned. We need to teach men to stand up for others and not just themselves. We need to create a society where being a man shouldn’t be an excuse for bad behavior but instead a reason for good behavior. We need to set examples to men of all they can achieve, instead of treating them as a problem that needs to be fixed.

How far could men go if we taught them to do better, instead of telling them what they are doing wrong?

Chivalry Is A Man’s Recognition Of His Privileges

Some say that the age of chivalry is past, that the spirit of romance is dead. The age of chivalry is never past, so long as there is a wrong left unredressed on earth.

Charles Kingsley (1819-1875)

Some time ago I posted an article where I mentioned how “few words create such a vivid, complex, controversial, and individualized interpretation within the English language as Gentleman. Although Chivalry isn’t far behind.” At that time, I focused on the universal archetype of the Gentleman, leaving to deal with Chivalry on a later date.

Guess what? It’s a later date.

Many people dismiss (or rather would like to dismiss) chivalry as a concept whose time has passed. “I treat everyone equally” or “it’s about being civil” or the ever present “I respect everyone” are used over and over as an apparent dismissal of the need for Chivalry. Others have called Chivalry as a form of “benevolent sexism” citing the fact that gentlemen tend to offer ladies a higher level of respect in actions than they do other men. This would be true if it had anything to do with what chivalry actually is and the obligations it imposes on a gentleman.

I used the word obligations with full intent of the word. Since the days of the Knight and the Samurai and the Junzi, the chivalrous had moral obligations due to his privileged position within society. They understood the blessings they possessed, and also understood that these blessings came with a series of duties. This attitude carried on to the gentlemen of old and carries on to the modern gentlemen. The problem today is how men refuse to acknowledge their social obligations as they refuse to acknowledge the privileges within their lives.

Your age gives you the privilege of experience. This means you have the duty of mentorship. Your youth gives you the privilege of strength. This means you have an obligation to protect those you can. Up to now, this is pretty easy to understand by everyone. But it’s when you move to recognizing some touchy subjects that people tend to ignore their privileges within the world. Here’s where most tend to falter within their duties and obligations as they refuse to see the inequalities within the world and how they are benefited from these social injustices.

Your social standings and financial security, however earned, mean you are privileged to a better life. This means you have a duty to lead a charitable life helping those less fortunate. Your gender as a man means you don’t have to deal with some of the sexism and threats women deal with every day from men who openly attack them simply for being a woman. This means you have a duty to, at the very least make their everyday a little better as you understand the burdens of being a woman within today’s society. Remember that “benevolent sexism” comment? As a gentleman, you are more of a feminist than most guys who simply believe in treating women as equals. But as I have said before, not everyone understands chivalry.

Phrases like “I treat everyone equally” simply mean you refuse to accept the privileges you possess. This, if anything, means you are doing the very least to lead a civil life while enjoying how life handed you a better hand. You refuse to acknowledge how your social standing benefits you, how your race benefits you, how your sexual orientation benefits you, or how your gender benefits you.

It isn’t that you are better than anyone, but that you understand that your life has provided you with certain benefits and blessings, irrelevant of how they happened. Chivalry is an act of social equity where you recognize your privileges and work to help those around you. This is why, even though a gentleman might be well off, he is able to remain humble. You recognize every privilege given to you by life and understand how others are not as fortunate. You understand that something as simple as being able to help others, even if it’s as simple as making their lives a little more comfortable, means you are obligated to do so.

That is why a gentleman holds himself to such high standards. With all your blessings and good fortune, your life must be one of service to others. Be honored that within your belief you carry the traditions and attitude of those who came before you; the Knights, the Samurai, and the Junzi.

Is Chivalry dead? Not as long as Gentlemen live with a Warrior’s hearts.

Why I Can’t Tell You How To Be A Gentleman.

As we get older, it's important for us to help hand back some of what we've gained as we've grown older. It should be one of your responsibilities - it's almost like being a mentor.

Ciara

While in the process of determining whether to self-publish ‘Being Caballero: A Conversation About Gentlemen’ or go down the path of a Literary Agent, I went ahead and submitted a proposal to a couple of Agents. One Agent actually made a content specific reply explaining why my proposal was denied. They weren’t interested, not because of the topic or the content, but rather the format didn’t fit their publishing style. The fact that I don’t list a series of steps, checklists if you will, on how to become a Gentleman, meant that my book didn’t fit their formula. And this is not the first time I have heard a similar comment.

Many people have actually asked me if I ever plan to write up a step-by-step guide to ‘Gentleman’ing, something I have refused to do and will probably avoid doing. You see, a step-by-step guide or a set of rules means that I believe that a gentleman isn’t about his personal values or even his character, but rather about just following a bunch of rules that have worked for me specifically. And assuming that what worked for me will work for every other guy is a pretty arrogant assumption on my part and a true disservice to the cause of Gentlemen and to the men trying to follow the Cammino, the Path. Everyone has to work on their own strengths and weaknesses; not on mine.

If I had any doubt of the damage these kinds of articles and book do, a couple of weeks ago a friend asked some dating advice. He was frustrated because he was doing everything ‘right’, doing the proper steps and social intricacies expected from men, yet found he was getting nowhere in his romantic life. After talking with him for a while, and mulling it over I came to a simple realization. He was trying to socialize and date based on his preconception of what the dating process is and not on what he found comfortable or actually enjoyed. My advice was simple, work on your strengths while understanding your weaknesses. (Ok, it was a bit more than just that, but you get the general idea.)

If checklists work, why am I not seeing any results?

Because checklists worked for the guy who wrote them, for magazine filling content, and as a comfort blanket to the person trying them out. And when it doesn’t work, the author usually blames the reader while the reader blames the author. And in a way both are responsible for the success and failure of the list.

A mentor can only be as good as a student willing to think on his own, and a student is only as good as he is willing to question what is taught to him. For that reason, the best I can do is explain why things are done in a certain way, give examples based of experience, and offer the tools available for a person to use. It is the reader’s obligation to understand what tools work for him and how these lessons apply to his own life. That way they become their own Gentleman, and not simply try to act like a clone of my own.

P.S.

In case you are wondering what’s going to be covered in the book, here’s a quick breakdown.

Prolegomenon: A Gentleman Defined

An introduction to the concept of the Gentlemen as a universal archetype of the exceptional man, a concept found in every culture throughout history. It’s meant to address and challenge some of the general myths and misconceptions about what a Gentleman is.

Cammino: Pursuit Of A Better Man Reborn

The first section is lessons and concepts a young man should consider when starting on the path of a Gentleman. The second section is to help men who have strayed refind the Gentleman they lost along the way.

Destino: The Social Gentleman

The last section deals with how a Gentleman interacts with society. It deals with how to handle your role as an example to others and a mentor in the first part. The second part deals with social and romantic relationships based on respect and dignity.