As we get older, it's important
for us to help hand back some of what we've gained as we've grown older. It
should be one of your responsibilities - it's almost like being a mentor.
Ciara
While in the process of determining whether
to self-publish ‘Being Caballero: A Conversation About Gentlemen’ or go down the
path of a Literary Agent, I went ahead and submitted a proposal to a couple of
Agents. One Agent actually made a content specific reply explaining why my
proposal was denied. They weren’t interested, not because of the topic or the
content, but rather the format didn’t fit their publishing style. The fact that
I don’t list a series of steps, checklists if you will, on how to become a
Gentleman, meant that my book didn’t fit their formula. And this is not the
first time I have heard a similar comment.
Many people have actually asked me
if I ever plan to write up a step-by-step guide to ‘Gentleman’ing, something I
have refused to do and will probably avoid doing. You see, a step-by-step guide
or a set of rules means that I believe that a gentleman isn’t about his personal
values or even his character, but rather about just following a bunch of rules
that have worked for me specifically. And assuming that what worked for me will
work for every other guy is a pretty arrogant assumption on my part and a true
disservice to the cause of Gentlemen and to the men trying to follow the
Cammino, the Path. Everyone has to work on their own strengths and weaknesses; not on mine.
If I had any doubt of the damage
these kinds of articles and book do, a couple of weeks ago a friend asked some
dating advice. He was frustrated because he was doing everything ‘right’, doing
the proper steps and social intricacies expected from men, yet found he was
getting nowhere in his romantic life. After talking with him for a while, and
mulling it over I came to a simple realization. He was trying to socialize and
date based on his preconception of what the dating process is and not on what
he found comfortable or actually enjoyed. My advice was simple, work on your
strengths while understanding your weaknesses. (Ok, it was a bit more than just
that, but you get the general idea.)
If checklists work, why am I not
seeing any results?
Because checklists worked for the
guy who wrote them, for magazine filling content, and as a comfort blanket to
the person trying them out. And when it doesn’t work, the author usually blames
the reader while the reader blames the author. And in a way both are
responsible for the success and failure of the list.
A mentor can only be as good as a
student willing to think on his own, and a student
is only as good as he is willing to question what is taught to him. For that reason, the best I can do is explain why things are
done in a certain way, give examples based of experience, and offer the tools
available for a person to use. It is the reader’s obligation to understand what
tools work for him and how these lessons apply to his own life. That way they
become their own Gentleman, and not simply try to act like a clone of my own.
P.S.
In case you are wondering what’s going to be covered in the
book, here’s a quick breakdown.
Prolegomenon:
A Gentleman Defined
An introduction to the concept of the Gentlemen as a
universal archetype of the exceptional man, a concept found in every culture throughout
history. It’s meant to address and challenge some of the general myths and
misconceptions about what a Gentleman is.
Cammino: Pursuit
Of A Better Man Reborn
The first section is lessons and concepts a young man should
consider when starting on the path of a Gentleman. The second section is to
help men who have strayed refind the Gentleman they lost along the way.
Destino:
The Social Gentleman
The last section deals with how a Gentleman interacts with
society. It deals with how to handle your role as an example to others and a
mentor in the first part. The second part deals with social and romantic
relationships based on respect and dignity.
