A Gentleman’s Makeover

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.

―Rumi―

Let’s start straight up. You are not happy with your life, and the path you ended up in. You feel like you have lost yourself, victim to the sways and winds of life. You feel like you’ve let down yourself and those around you. And you need to change, and you need to find yourself.

That has to be the most over-used excuse for procrastination created by man. It can literally be translated into “I plan to sit on my ass till the world changes around me.” It means that you have no intention of taking control over your life, but rather blame everything and everyone for your misery.

Let me start by saying the following, you don’t need to find yourself. Unless you’re on the side of a milk carton, kidnaped by some shady individuals, you know damn well where you are. THAT’S why you want to change. You are right there, standing in front of the mirror.

And that should be your first step. You need to recognize that the guy in the other side of the mirror was the guy that got you into this mess. So the first thing you need to do is change the guy looking back at you. And ironically this is the easiest test as to if you are really interested in changing. If you find it so hard to change who you are in the outside, can you really say you have any intention of changing who you are in the inside?

It’s funny how people want to change and better themselves, yet have such an aversion to an actually perceivable change. They want a change that they can hide from those who don’t want them to change, or a change that will not be judged by those around them. You might think that this is just a superficial aspect, based on pure vanity. But the reality is you will be looking at this new person every day to remind you of the change you are doing. Staying the same, not changing how you look, will simply keep you repeating the same habits and the same routines. Changing how you look will automatically change your habits.

This means you have to do a mayor change. Get a haircut, it can’t be as simple as “a little off the sides.” Grow a mustache or a beard; or shave it off. Do anything and everything with intent, no half measures. You will get people who might say that this change in appearance is not a good fit, or that you looked better before. To those people, ask them if they were happy with the man you were before. This will actually test the waters, and will expose those people who hinder your self-development.

Change is necessary to grow. You need to shed off the man who you were to become the man you will be. Define that man, the man you want to become, and aim to reach him. Start by defining who he is, and how his character is reflected on how he looks. Build him up from the ground up and then use him as your role model. And then aim to become that man.

It all has to start by changing the man looking back at you in the mirror.

How I Started Walking the Endless Path.

Everything changes as you get older; you mind, your body, and the way you view the world

Antonio Banderas

One afternoon about a few year ago, as we would do every so often did and still do, I sat down with some of my old friends for coffee, reminiscing about the old days, retelling old stories about our old ways. We all come from different walks of life but we all had one characteristic that tied us all since college; we were all forward thinkers who loved the classic traditions.

We always found amusing how far we got in those days, armed with little more than a cocky confidence, a smile, and the ability to act more professional than we actually were back then. Today we are older, wiser, and actually became respectable professionals in our respective fields, but we never forgot it was thanks to all the lessons we learned back then.

“If only I could leave an instruction manual, a sort of guide, to my kids and grand-kids in case I’m gone so they don’t have to learn the way we did, hard way, by making more than our share of mistakes.” This conversation was just a few weeks after my mother had passed unexpectedly. A few months before her passing, my doctor had warned me to start taking care of myself or I wouldn't reach 40. Like so many, I never took him seriously, till my own mother's sudden passing made my doctors a lot more serious. In just a few days, all that philosophical verbiage I used to spout out from my martial training, how you have to “Live today as if you could die tomorrow”, became a reality alarmingly fast. We looked at each other and raised our cups in agreement and understanding. That was the informal start of what I called the Caballero Club.

With an idea in my head, I began my first draft about a year ago for what I called back then the Caballero Chronicle. Originally, the project was going to be a guide for Latino empowerment, following the old Gentleman Traditions from Spain. Yet, the further I dealt in the topic, the more I realized that the lessons of empowerment I wanted to tell others, were not limited to a single ethnicity or race, or even culture. They were about understanding who you are as a man in a modern word. It started to take shape in the form of a thesis of self-empowerment based on the Universal Truths of Respect, to others and to self.

So armed with a proposal and about 45K worth of words, I headed to test the waters as an amateur writer. And that’s when I found out? If you are an unpublished author, complete unknown, trying to push a book, the waters were really cold and unkind. Yet instead of getting frustrated by the rejections, I got frustrated with myself.

I realized I failed my own lessons, specially the idea that you don’t travel to reach a goal, but to experience the trip. I was so focused in having a manuscript ready to try to sell to a publisher, that I lost track of why I was doing. And so I put the draft away. 

That was the formal start of Being Caballero.

I would simply enjoy the ride. Write, read, see people’s reactions. Treat it the same way you would when having a conversation with a friend. Sometimes you teach them something, other times they teach you something. Yet this conversation would be with the world. Am I the same man I was when I began? No. I am not even the same man I was when I began writing this article. That’s the beauty of life, you constantly grow and learn.

Every once in a while I still get together with my friends and have some coffee and catch up, just now it’s usually on Skype since we each live in different time zones. We still discussing just how being a gentleman, how being honorable, how being educated, and how being cultured, all helped us forge our lives. We discussed how that attitude got us through hard times and helped us enjoy even more the good times. Many of those chats have actually evolved into some of the stories and lessons you have read here. The book deal? That will happen if it has to happen. I hand that over, like so many things in my life, to fate. Right now I am a little too busy just enjoying a conversation with the world.

Equality is not Sameness

Equality is not in regarding different things similarly; equality is in regarding different things differently.

Tom Robbins

Every time the conversation of gender equality comes up, someone brings up the comment of Gender neutrality. “I teach my son and my daughter the same way.” Personally, I think this is rather irresponsible. Not only does this defeat the entire purpose of equality by stating that they only way they can be equal is if they are the same, but it dismisses the reality of the different challenges boys and girls face. By ignoring the differences, we refuse to accept that there ARE social differences. I extend this attitude to everything, from gender to race, from ethnicity to religion.

As you might have noticed, I am a stout feminist. I am also a strong supporter of social and religious equality and acceptance. This means that everyone is capable of achieving the same greatness, but the paths that they follow will be different. What a man can do to challenge sexism is different than what a woman can do to challenge sexism. What a white person can do to challenge racism is different than what a black person can do to challenge racism. What a Christian can do to challenge religious intolerance is different than what a Muslim or even an atheist can do. And so forth, and so on. This is not because one is better than the other, but because each is faces with different challenges or different privileges within society.

It’s easy to believe in equality, when everyone is the same. That’s denying the differences between each of us. The reality is that every group, even every person, is different. And this is a good thing. We learn and grow by learning about our differences. It, not only creates tolerance, but kills ignorance.

Because it’s not about tolerance. Tolerating something is simply accepting it because you can’t change it. Equality is about embracing our differences, and the differences of others; not simply tolerating them. To achieve this, you need to educate yourself as to the challenges everyone faces, being able to empathize with other people’s challenges. And the only way to do this is to remove the arrogance and ignorance that breeds pettiness and bigotry.

Don’t Fear Becoming a Dangerous Man.

The most dangerous man … is the man who is able to think things out ... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos.

H. L. Mencken

If you look over my articles, I avoid as much as possible establishing rules to follow or even guidelines. Many of the different concepts presented are up to personal interpretation. At best I can give people warnings based on my own mistakes (which have been plenty) or point them to a general direction based on my own path (again, based on my experience, read as the plenty of mistakes mentioned before). Why? Wouldn’t it be easier just to tell you what to do and how to act? Shouldn’t explanations like “Because I say so” and “We have always done it that way” be enough?

NO!

Question everything and everyone, including yourself. Read, think, analyze, and come to your own conclusion. There is a reason for everything, even if that reason is not evident or apparent. Learn to think outside the box. Way to many times people don’t understand a problem because they are actually asking the wrong questions or confusing results with problems.

Be wary of gut feelings and emotional reaction as well as “convenient” analysis, for both are there only to excuse and justify behavior. People tend to react emotionally, assuming that their “heart” is always right. If this is true, emotional manipulations and heartbreak would never be. Also the “convenient” analysis is just as dangerous. You know, the bullshit reasons you use to justify doing the wrong thing.

And accept that you can and will be wrong in your decisions. You will make mistakes and you will have to reconsider previous comments and actions. There is nothing wrong with this. It’s called growth. This attitude and acceptance will keep you humble, but will give you limitless confidence at the same time. When you’re not afraid to be wrong, you can dare to do anything. 

And with that confidence comes empowerment; the ability to challenge every idea and notion that gets regurgitated thoughtlessly by every group of sheep and line followers out there. This empowerment will give you the courage to stand when everyone else is sitting down. It will open your eyes to the truth behind the mysteries of life, letting you conquer what you didn’t even know was there. And it will give you the most dangerous gift that you will have to endure, Personal Liberty, as you realize how hard it is to deal with and how much it will elate you. 

Just remember what Oscar Wilde said, “An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.”

Boring is a Choice.

Being boring is a choice. Those mild salsas and pleated khakis don’t buy themselves.

The Most Interesting Man in the World

A few months ago, I was having coffee with an old mentor of mine. During our conversation, he mentioned how much he enjoyed watching the Monaco Grand Prix on TV, to which I asked him why he had never seen it in person. Keep in mind that this is a semi-retired Gent with no real obligations or ties holding him back. His reaction let me know that he had never even considered that possibility. You could see him mentally scanning for reasons why he had never done this, yet came up blank. He then realized he had become a victim to his own stagnation.

We tend to complain about how boring our lives are when compared to others, especially in this overly connected world of social media personal marketing. We see what others are doing, their exploits and adventures, and are left with little more than petty envy. Yet the very choices we do every day condemn us to our boring existence.

Sure, that 20 hour Netflix marathon or that 15 hour gaming run might be fun, but isn’t there something better to do with your day than spending it stuck on a sofa, eating the same pizza and ice-cream? After it ends, you are left with what? Memories of a TV series of someone else’s life or of the adventures than never happened in your real life? 

Go out and live! Every action and every decision you take today determine how your reality tomorrow. Challenge yourself constantly. Expose yourself to new people and new experiences. That is the only way to truly expand your horizons.

And this begins with the small things in life. That lady you walk by the street every day in your way to work, wondering if you will ever be brave enough to talk to her. Start by giving her a smile and see where it goes from there. Next time you are thinking about going out, go to a different place than your usual spot. That place you keep Googling about, that country whose culture you are so fascinated about? Visit it. At best you will love it, at worst it will make an interesting story to tell.

Keep in mind I am not talking about the stupidity of YOLO, doing something without taking into consideration the repercussions of our actions. I am talking about CARPE DIEM, my friends. Seize the day. Take actions thinking about the memorability of it, how it's repercussions will resonate till the day you die. What stories will you tell your grandchildren? What grand adventure will you relate in your memoirs? What will anecdote will they tell during your eulogy?