The Millennial Man and the Generation Gap

Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.

John F. Kennedy

While I was in college in the early 90’s, I was part of a small group of architecture students who dove right into the idea of using computers to produce our drawings. This wasn’t viewed very favorable by most of our professors who still viewed hand drafting as an art form and constantly dismissed the validity of computers as a valid tool of the profession. “A computer will never replace a good drafter” or “guess you can’t work if the lights go out” were repeated over and over as a way to put down our little clique. We would try to argue that the computer was simply a tool or if the lights go out, you wouldn’t be able to work anyway, but those replies fell constantly on deaf ears as the professors refused to listen to anyone else’s opinions on the matter.

The irony of the story was that as soon as I graduated, the government required that all construction plans had to be submitted in digital format. Now suddenly, the same professors who would constantly be putting us down were now in a bidding war to hire as soon as we graduated. The reality of why so many of those old professors kept trying to dismiss us had less to do with the purity of the art form and more to do with a fear of becoming obsolete with the changing times as their own insecurities were getting the better of them.

Why do I bring this story up in a blog about gentlemen culture and modern men? Because I am seeing a very similar situation happening between the Old Guard and the New Guard within the Modern Gentlemen Movement. Every once in a while, a meme pops up stating how these modern gentlemen don’t know how to change a tire, or hunt, or chop wood, or use a firearm, or rebuild an engine, or some other “manly” activity. Others state how these men must be condemned for either their hairstyle, their beards, or their fashion sense. The penalty for their inability to do any of the previously mentioned hobbies or their fascination for certain trends is the disdain of the more traditional minded gentlemen out there.

To the Old Guard, as a member of that generation, I ask for a simple favor. Stop being such insecure little brats. Most of those things you mention only work if someone grew up within your own personal little world. I’ve been a city dweller my entire life, so I have never had any interest or even need to develop any kind of “survival skills.” The closest I get to “roughing it in the great outdoors” is driving with my top down. It’s funny to read post criticizing someone’s style or fashion sense done by someone with no fashion identity. As for some of the other “life skills” needed to be a man, they are actually more like “life skills” to be an adult. Not only men, but women as well, should have some basic mechanical knowledge if they every plan to own a car. I actually see no need to force anyone to validate their manhood to play to my insecurities.

If anything we should be applauding these young Gentlemen for helping revive what was once a dying art, as they took up the torch of chivalry and masculinity to light their way through life. Sure, the torch is no longer an actual flame but rather a flashlight app within their smart phone, but at the core, it’s still the same thing. The only thing that has changed is the tools at their disposal.

Yes, we must keep the old arts and the old traditions alive, but never at the expense of evolution and progress. Progress is impossible without change, and this isn’t the first time that Chivalry has changed. If anything, it’s constantly changing and evolving. That’s why, after over 500 years, we are still honoring the Code of Chevaliers and calling each other Gentlemen.

Casually Challenged

To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.

Winston Churchill

As many of you know, I relocated due to a change in employment. Within all the adjustments that come from such an endeavor, you expect to deal with many other changes as you handle the challenges of relocation, the new surroundings, and even dealing with a new work team. Yet it was one thing alone that caught me off balance, something I never considered as it seemed so inconsequential that I never really put any thought into it. It was something that most of you will actually think is absolutely trivial, but honestly, was the one thing that took the longest to get used too.

I no longer wore a suit to work.

I know this sounds dumb, and even as I write it, I realize that it reads even dumber, but let me elaborate.

For the last decade I have been defining who I am and who I wanted to be as a professional. I reflect this with my attitude, my habits, and even my wardrobe choices, so my closet pretty is pretty much a reflection of this. As I am now the kind of professional I sought to become, suddenly all of this changed, and in a way it broke my "sacred" morning routine that helped me focus into what the day held in store. As I got dressed in the morning, I realized that my closet was either suits or overly casual stay home t-shirt and jeans. I realized how something as simple as making a tie knot or putting on cufflinks were more of a meditation to me than getting dressed, as my suits become a comfortable shield and armor with which I faced the work ay. Sure, I got some new work clothing to compensate, but something about not suiting up in the morning kept bugging me. I just couldn’t figure out I couldn't yet carve out a new routine with this more casual look. That was till I had a conversation with a gent later on that week.

The gentleman in question was someone who after 20 years of military was about to retire. His personal challenge was that he had no idea how to handle a civilian life or, worse yet, I life where he no longer had any pressing financial or professional obligations while still being young enough to have his whole life ahead of him. My answer was pretty simple. “Think of it as an extended weekend were you do whatever makes you happy.” His response made me understand my own situation.

“You spend your entire life trying to figure out what works for you. When you finally figure it out, it doesn't work for you any more because you’re no longer that same man.”

That’s when I got it. I spent so many years working to become the man that I wanted to be. Yet when I became that man, my life had changed enough that the image I had created no longer fit me. We often work so hard to become something that we stop striving or adapting when we get there. We see it with anyone whose life changes, yet they want to keep doing the same things they did before. The college man who keeps prolonging his graduation, the retiree who never wants to retire, the married man who keeps holding on to his single life's habits, or the father who refused to accept his role as a dad.They worked so hard to become good at a certain stage of life that they have trouble moving forward into a new stage in life.

So as I start now a new stage , I am tasked into walking forward and adapting who I am, again setting myself on the path to become the man I was meant to be, yet this time I start this path with the eyes of a man who’s mature enough to know that he must change and grow in the same way life changes. Sometimes we define who we want to become, yet do so from the perspective of where we are in a specific moment in life. As we grow, change, and evolve, so should the man we strive to become. That man we are meant to be should never be static image created within a particular moment in our lives, but rather one that changes and evolved with us.

Fighting Against A Not So Brave New World

You might want to target a girls school which is safer because there are no beta males throwing themselves for their rescue.

Anonymous

See the quote above? It’s not meant to be inspirational but a horrible exposition of our modern society.

The day before the Umpqua College shooting that took 13 people and injured 20 others, it’s believed that the killer headed to the anonymous forum of the university to discuss his intentions. The reaction from several other posters, instead of trying to talk him out of hit or alerting the authorities, was to offer their advice on how to best execute his plan! Again, the same rhetoric that we saw after the Isla Vista shooting in 2014 came up, to go after women as they offer an easier target, but to do this, he needed to avoid “beta males throwing themselves for their rescue.”

Back then I discussed how we as a society create and feed this kind of monsters. I commented how a culture of cowardly infamy and a need to be noticed no matter what provided the perfect breeding ground for this kind of cowardly act. What I didn’t consider back then is how we already have a way to dissuade this kind of events, something that hit me across the face as I read that quote.

…No beta males throwing themselves for their rescue…

I found this quote rather surprising as this behavior is exactly what has been socially defined as the Beta Male.  The Beta Male, as defined by Urban Dictionary, is “an unremarkable, careful man who avoids risk and confrontation. Beta males lack the physical presence, charisma and confidence of the Alpha male.” Yet with that definition, most acts of White Knighting are usually attributed to beta males. Last I checked, throwing yourself in harm’s way to protect others is actually the opposite of “avoids risk and confrontation.”

Unfortunately, the extreme factions within the Feminist movement have promoted the idea that any man stepping up and helping women is an open act of sexist and a promotion of the patriarchy. On the other end of the SJW spectrum, the extreme MRA’s (Men’s Rights Activists) promote the idea that men being told to step up and defend women are actually hurting men as it promotes the idea that a man’s life is worth less than a woman’s.

Just to be clear, neither of these extreme factions represents either the Feminist Movement or the Men’s Right Movement and shouldn’t be used to diminish what both groups do to help gender equality. Now if both movements would try to keep in check and muzzle their more radical members that would be great.

So how can we challenge a word that tells men not to step up? How can we promote the idea that everyone is willing to run and hide, letting evil run rampant? How can we change a world where everyone validates their personal Victimhood as an excuse to commit horrible acts?

The answer is rather simple. By letting the world know you’re not a victim. I’m not talking about walking around with an assault rifle flung over your shoulder. In truth, I view that as an act of promoting the notion of victimhood as you believe it will keep you from being a victim. I am talking about having the moral fiber and the character to do moral acts no matter what society tells you. It’s about speaking up and standing up when they want you to sit down and be quiet. It’s about keeping your warrior spirit alive when everyone wants you to kill it off. It’s about wearing that White Knight Armour proudly. 

The Closer You Are, The Less They See

The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.

Nathaniel Branden

Some time ago, I wrote about the importance of understanding that you can’t change anyone. People need to change for themselves. What you can do is inspire them to change. And it’s that inspiration that leads most men to change, to want to be more, to be better. Many times this change is a realization of how they need to be a better friend, a better son, a better brother, a better husband, or a better father. With that understanding, the man sets off to grow into a better person, inspired by how they can be more for someone they love; they are confronted with an unexpected result.

The person doesn’t see it.

I know that you should change for yourself, to become a better person because, well, you don’t change to impress others. You do change to be a better man, and as a result, become more for those around you. But if we are able to get off the moralistic high horse and be completely honest, having those who inspired your change to recognize it gives us a sense of validation, further inspiration to move forward. Yet, let me warn you right now. Those who are the closest to you are probably the last to notice your change.

Think of it this way. You realize that you need to lose weight, so you go on a diet and start working out. You adjust your eating habits and your lifestyle to achieve the goal. Before anyone notices, you start to see the changes. By the 4^th week, your clothing starts to fit better or even loose. Nobody has said anything yet, as these minor changes aren’t that evident. By week 8, maybe a coworker or a friend you haven’t seen in a while compliments you on your weight loss. Ironically, those that see you every day constantly haven’t said a word about it. Maybe, if you’re lucky, after a couple of months, those around you will notice the change.

The reason for this is simple, they see you every day. Gradual change isn’t that easy to see. Your change is like a rock being slowly eroded by the weather into a new shape. To those who see the rock every day, they don’t see any change, but to those who see it every once in a while, this change isn’t as gradual. But unlike weight loss or an eroding rock, you can’t really track personal change. There isn’t a scale that can weigh neither integrity nor character.

The reality is, like the rock being weathered and eroded; you are trying to chip away at the image those close to you have created for years and years. It’s ironic how your past actions and attitude, the same ones you want to change as you realize how they affect those around you, are the same ones that make it difficult to those around you to see your change. You have to understand and become aware that you can’t change an opinion that you forged for several years in just a few months of change.

The good news is that they probably have included your change to their image of you; they just haven’t become aware of it. Our image of someone is created by our subconscious, so these opinions change and adjust without our realization. You just need to give the person time to make the realization of just how much you have changed.

But, there are a couple of ways to help the person realize how you have changed…

I have to bring this up before we move on. Some people don’t want to see you change. Their image of you justifies their attitude towards you or the fact that you changed into someone better exposes their insecurities. Be observant as these people will try to hinder any change you try to do to make yourself into more.

As I said, there are two ways to help make someone aware of your change.

The first is to become aware of how much the other person has changed and become more. We tend to focus on ourselves, and quite often fall into the same behavior we criticize on others. Look at the other person and become aware of how they have changed in a positive way. Compliment them on this. Awareness and positivity is just as contagious as criticism and negativity. Affect their attitude and perception by adjusting your own. As they realize how you are aware of their growth, they will become aware of your own.

The second is to make a change that isn’t so gradual. Change the way they see you by doing a change they will see every day. It forces the person to reset how they see you. Have you had a mustache or a beard all your life? Shave it.  You’ve always been a clean shaven man? Grow a beard. Shave your head, or color out your greys, or get contacts to get rid of your glasses. The idea is to basically dynamite the previous image they had of you, shatter that shell to show off the new you. As they see you every day in a way that doesn’t quite fit your previous image, they will start to reshape their image of you.

With all that’s said, keep in mind that as much as you might appreciate having your efforts recognized, receiving recognition isn’t why you decided to change. Take the time to see how your change is helping those around you. Recognize your own efforts and the effects your change has on those around you. Also consider how those around you might be well aware of your change. They just understand that helping you in your change is more important than applauding your change. 

Talk To Us. The First Of Several Social Skills Surveys.

Asking the right question is more important than knowing the right answer.

Being Caballero

As I mentioned in a previous post, living within any society means that personal interaction is a necessary part of life. Our ability to communicate with each other, to understand other, and to make ourselves understood is vital to living a full life. Some of us however find such interactions challenging or stressful. For some people, navigating within the social nuances becomes as challenging as navigating within a real storm. Their personal mannerisms turn even the most casual interactions into a battle with social norms and individual misunderstandings. In many cases, the characteristics that make a person different from the rest of society or their inability to fully express themselves becomes a source of frustration that lead to feelings of low self-esteem and self-worth. These feelings, so often, manifest in an anti-social attitude or even  into actual violent behavior so common today. 

Previously I had mentioned how we might think we understand a problem, but it’s our own preconceptions that keep us from fully understanding its reality and finding a useful solution. Instead, we assume we understand the problem without really looking at it and end up developing a catch-all solution that only works to make us feel better about how smart we are. The actual results? Those are pretty questionable. 

I want to look at social skills from as many perspectives as possible. Posting up an article or making a workshop based solely on a personal bias or developing a generic solution would be a disservice to all who read our posts. (Not to mention how doing it this way is a pretty arrogant attitude.) So instead of thinking I know what you go through, why not ask? I want to listen to what you have to say and consider how you feel. 

To be able to do this, we are devising a series of surveys based on several aspects on the topic of social skills. We want you to become part of our team; in a way we ask you to become our focus group. These surveys will help us better understand what social challenges our readers go through and how we can best provide advice and service.

The first survey we developed focuses on the general concepts of social skills and its general challenges. Your identity and answers are completely confidential, but will help us develop a better understanding and a clearer image of what others go through. and helping us to produce better content. 

Please, talk to us. We are here to listen. Head over to the first of several surveys and let’s create this path together.

Being Caballero's Survey on Social Skills & Challenges

The Gentlemen Rebel And Unlearning The Mook

(I want to thank the rest of the Charisma.Expert group as our conversations helped develop this post, with a shout out to Jedadiah Walls, our resident Media Psychologist, for providing some of the key pieces missing in the puzzle.)

Manhood is the defeat of childhood narcissism.

David Gilmore

You might have heard me mention how Gentlemen are the modern rebels, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized to what extent this is true. But before we go on promoting the idea of the Gentlemen Rebel, there are a couple of things we should understand first, starting with defining what a social rebel is.

A rebel is a person who opposes a group in authority and challenges acceptable standards of behavior, dress, etc. And this is why so many men refuse to follow the path of the Gentlemen. They view themselves as rebels, as challenging the ‘acceptable standards of behavior, dress, etc.’ of a Gentleman where ‘Gentlemen’ becomes the ‘acceptable standard’ to challenge. But is it?

When you consider how often you hear ladies mentioning how hard it is to find a Gentleman or the comment of how rare manners are today, you are left wondering if Gentlemen are actually the ‘standard.’ We have to understand that social ‘standard’ is most common and promoted practices within society. So what is the ‘standard’? What does society expect men to be?

This is where I’m going to step on a few toes and some men might become offended. To others this will make absolutely perfect sense. When you look at what we expected from men today, it’s not the gentleman or even a good man, but rather the Mook; the narcissist man-child or the entitled snark, usually coupled with the the incompetent or absentee dad. Sure, this is not what is told that men should be, but it’s what’s expected for them to become as they are bombarded with this image time and time again in the media.

Back in the 90’s, Viacom, a mass media conglomerate, hired the international advertisement agency Saachi and Saachi to develop a series of archetypes that could be branded and ‘sold’ to the public. Their response to the new male trope was the ‘Mook’, the typical 12 year old boy’s image of what masculinity should be to make it cool, a parody of a manhood who defends his laziness with sarcasm and angst, while at the same time dealing with an incompetent father figure and a sense of a vilifying society trying to force on them unnecessary responsibilities. And for any media company, this would be perfect, a demographic who did little more than consume their product, who would rebel against anyone who asked them to get off the couch, and would never realize they had become exactly what the corporations wanted them to become. Ladies and Gentlemen, that is social manipulation and programing at its best.

And the Mook was shoved down our throats in every single Adam Sandler style movie and Jackass clone MTV put out to the public. After seeing its success on MTV, Viacom started phasing the Mook into their other channels, as they became responsible for the next 20 years of male slacker glorification. Our culture was raised on hundreds of mook inspired characters, as the archetype was redefining and refining to a point where the parody of masculinity became the definition of manhood.

That went unchallenged, until those who grew up as the Mooks where now forced to see themselves in the role of the incompetent father, and they woke up. They refused to accept their role in this game and started an open challenge. And this open challenge started to slowly spread as more men refused to walk down the path of the man-child so many other men embrace. They realized that they could be more if they were just willing to be more.

Are all of these men Gentlemen? Not necessarily, as each man walks his own path. Are all Gentlemen Rebels? He’s certainly not willing to accept the social ‘standard’ of the mook, so yes. I think that a better question is why would you want to be a Mook?