Gentleman’s Agreement

You must accept that you might fail; then, if you do your best and still don't win, at least you can be satisfied that you've tried. If you don't accept failure as a possibility, you don't set high goals, you don't branch out, you don't try - you don't take the risk.

Rosalynn Carter

We live in a society of extremes. On one end, people tend to live staked down in their comfort zone were personal safety and risk are reduced to a minimum and whatever risky actions they take are done under the blankets of online anonymity. On the other end we find people doing dumb stunts and ridiculous acts in a desperate attempt to achieve Viral Fame and Reality TV notoriety. This leaves us with either people unwilling to stand up and be noticed or people desperate to be noticed for all the wrong reasons without any understanding of the repercussions of their actions. In either case, fear and voluntary ignorance become the law of the land as neither is the result of actual bravery and risk taking and neither takes responsibility nor accountability for the repercussions of their actions or inaction.

This saddens me greatly as this mentality is slowly killing the “Gentleman’s Sport.” But what IS the Gentleman’s Sport, you ask? Gambling.

Before you condemn my choice of athletic endeavor, hear me out. I grew up in a place where gambling was, and still is, pretty much legal for all accounts. You would think that between the casinos, the horse tracks, the pool halls, and the sporting events of all kinds; a culture of respect and honor would be hard to find. It was quite the contrary. All betting was done under the idea that a gentleman’s agreement meant he would keep his word and would honor whatever was agreed upon during the bet. It was expected of him to win humbly and lose graciously.

As the grandson of a bar/restaurant owner, I got front row seats to this environment as I saw plenty of these transactions happen as a boy. I asked my grandfather why anyone would pay if they lost a bet. After being sternly stared at for about a minute, he explained to me what it meant to be honorable in the simplest way…

This is a gentleman’s sport. A gentleman accepts his fate, good or bad, when he shakes another gentleman’s hand. He has to be fully aware of the risks involved before he can even consider reaping any rewards. By shaking on it, he admits he is willing to live with the repercussions of his decision, like a Gentleman. There will always be a winner and a loser, but how we behave in either situation is what sets us apart.

That’s when I understood a simple reality of life. We can’t live as if we can’t fail, take risks without understanding what we are risking if things go wrong. If we do this, we won’t be able to deal with the repercussions of our actions. Risk isn’t about ignoring what can go wrong, but understanding the possibility of it going wrong to the point that you are no longer afraid of it. You then become fully aware of your actions and decisions, of what you can win or lose with each breath you take. At that point you can win without being arrogant and you can lose graciously. 

Gentlemen…#DadUp!

A father is a son's first hero and a daughter's first love

Unknown

With two weeks to go before Father’s Day, I thought it proper to start out with a simple shout out to all the Dads out there showing the world how it’s done. What you do is amazing considering how the world has done its best to make us our worse. We, as a society, have been bombarded with multitude of failed images of what a father figure is. From the authoritarian distant patriarch who’s presence is felt only with the fearful words “Wait till your father gets home,” to the workaholic father who’s presence is only felt by the family’s bank account, to the bumbling idiot dad who’s little more than another child within the family, to the dead beat dad who, to this day, I have no idea why the term dad is even included in the name. Modern Dads, just like the modern Gentlemen, have come to prove just how good men can be when we chose to ignore all the negative images thrust upon us.

But what is the Modern Dad?

For starters, he is a Dad, an equal partner in his child’s development. No longer can we accept being treated as Mom’s Assistant, which also means that no longer can we behave like Mom’s Assistant. For years men have felt the guilt of not being there for their children as society placed the burden of work on the man and the burden of parenting on the woman. No more! Gender equality means that we should not be forced to ignore our kids over a client. Clients and projects come and go. A neglected kid’s resentment and your personal guilt of not being there lasts forever. More so, some men are even given the blessed opportunity to be the main caregiver as stay-at-home dads, be it by choice or by necessity. Note I refuse to use the term Full time dad or mom as a parent should always be a FULL-TIME PARENT.

This is especially important when the parents are no longer married. You have just as much a right to your child’s time as the mother, and are just as important in your child’s development. This is still a challenge in a system that so often views a Dad’s participation after a divorce to a monthly check and what used to be an everyday interaction between father and child is reduced to as little as seeing your kid 4 days (two weekends) a month. Then we wonder why the suicide rate among men is so high the first year after a divorce.

Secondly, we have realized just how much fun having a kid can be and how much you can share when you’re an active participant to their lives. That distant authoritarian figure of the old “Father Knows Best” only works to alienate and isolate you from your family. Dad’s today are just as active as their kids, and as involved. You see it in the dad who takes his kid to the park in spite of the weird looks from some of the moms who think he’s possibly some perv. You see it in the dad who will proudly wear a nail polish, a tutu, and a tiara or maybe a cape and a mask if it makes his kid happy. And they’ll go out in public like this, head high, knowing that the only approval they need in life is that of their children.

Third, we have realized just how much of an influence as a mentor we can be to our kids. Fatherhood has turned the most irresponsible man-child into the most respectable of men, simply with the knowledge that you are an example to your kid. We try to change the world into a better world for our children, we start treating others as we would want them to treat our kids. More importantly, we are awakened to just how much of a selfish asshole we have been in life, and get a magnifying glass placed over other people’s self-centeredness.

Lastly, we realize just how simple and beautiful life can be, and just how important we are as a person. We become their ultimate cheerleader, supporter, approver, and fan. We realize that the title father deserves only as much respect as you do as a person, and respect is earned. Funny thing is how becoming important in someone else’s life actually humbles you as a person.

I know that it might sound cliché, but having a son or daughter will redefine the man you are and the man you should be. Make sure that when you redefine yourself, you do so into the kind of Dad your children deserve.

That being said, Gentlemen… #DadUp!

Talk To Us. The First Of Several Social Skills Surveys.

Asking the right question is more important than knowing the right answer.

Being Caballero

As I mentioned in a previous post, living within any society means that personal interaction is a necessary part of life. Our ability to communicate with each other, to understand other, and to make ourselves understood is vital to living a full life. Some of us however find such interactions challenging or stressful. For some people, navigating within the social nuances becomes as challenging as navigating within a real storm. Their personal mannerisms turn even the most casual interactions into a battle with social norms and individual misunderstandings. In many cases, the characteristics that make a person different from the rest of society or their inability to fully express themselves becomes a source of frustration that lead to feelings of low self-esteem and self-worth. These feelings, so often, manifest in an anti-social attitude or even  into actual violent behavior so common today. 

Previously I had mentioned how we might think we understand a problem, but it’s our own preconceptions that keep us from fully understanding its reality and finding a useful solution. Instead, we assume we understand the problem without really looking at it and end up developing a catch-all solution that only works to make us feel better about how smart we are. The actual results? Those are pretty questionable. 

I want to look at social skills from as many perspectives as possible. Posting up an article or making a workshop based solely on a personal bias or developing a generic solution would be a disservice to all who read our posts. (Not to mention how doing it this way is a pretty arrogant attitude.) So instead of thinking I know what you go through, why not ask? I want to listen to what you have to say and consider how you feel. 

To be able to do this, we are devising a series of surveys based on several aspects on the topic of social skills. We want you to become part of our team; in a way we ask you to become our focus group. These surveys will help us better understand what social challenges our readers go through and how we can best provide advice and service.

The first survey we developed focuses on the general concepts of social skills and its general challenges. Your identity and answers are completely confidential, but will help us develop a better understanding and a clearer image of what others go through. and helping us to produce better content. 

Please, talk to us. We are here to listen. Head over to the first of several surveys and let’s create this path together.

Being Caballero's Survey on Social Skills & Challenges

How To Become A Noble Man:

There are complete men and incomplete men. If you would be a complete man, put all of your soul's strength into all of your life's actions.

Eugenio Maria de Hostos

I once asked my grandfather how I could become a Caballero. He looked at me, somewhat amused at the question. He took a sip of his coffee and told me another story.

Do you know what's hell? Hell is the day you meet the man you could have become and then look into a mirror and see the man you actually became.

Many people will over complicate who they are simply to excuse not being more. They will complain that they don’t have the time to spend with their kids, yet have no problem making time to watch the ball game. They will complain how eating healthy is expensive, yet have no problem spending almost $10 in a Mocha Latte Triple Macchiato. They will complain how they wished they could be more romantic with their partner, yet spend their nights playing Call of Duty.

This is especially true within the “Social Justice Circle” as they will create morally acceptable excuses to do little while at the same time get a cheerleading section to back up their apathy. “I don’t dress up because I am my own man and magazines can’t tell me how to look.” “I am beautiful just as I am, so I’m planning to let myself go to a point that, even though I might be disgusting, I’m still beautiful.” “I swear like a trucker and treat others like shit because you can’t judge me.” “How dare you (work out/dress up/actually educate yourself enough on a topic to question my opinion). You’re the problem, not me!”

Personally, I am too tired to fight that fight, calling out all the bullshit excuses people use to actually do little for themselves. Because the reality is, it’s not that complicated to become a better man, or a better person. It’s not easy, but it’s not that complicated.

Start by defining who you want to be, what makes a better man in your eyes. Look at those around you, what do they do that inspires you? Do you want to be more dependable? More romantic? More honorable? Throw into the mix anything and everything you think makes a better man, a better you.

You know what you just did? You just created your own role model. In a society where role models are few and far between, having your own in your back pocket is more than just a social hack, it’s a survival tool.

Now for the hard part. Become that man. This takes work, self-sacrifice, and determination. It takes throwing away the ability to make excuses for your own behavior. You want to be more educated? Force yourself to study. You want to be more skilled at something? Force yourself to practice. You want to be there for those who you care about? STOP MAKING BULLSHIT EXCUSES AS TO WHY YOU'RE NOT THERE!

But here’s a little trick. Role play that man you want to become. Act out the qualities he has while you grow. Use him as a shell, as a suit that still fits to big, one that you will grow into. In simpler terms. Fake it till you make it.

After a while you will notice that the suit seems to shrink and fit better. The reality is that it’s not the mold that shrinks, but that you grow. And after a while you won’t need the mold any more as you became the man you wanted to become.

It might not be easy, but it’s really that simple.