Stop saying that Violence isn’t the answer

Only a warrior chooses pacifism; others are condemned to it.

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As our world advances, we have developed innumerous ways to achieve a civilized society. We have implemented zero tolerance policies on school bulling, where we make social media protests and marches against violence, and develop policies to defend and help anyone who feels victimized in any way. Cellphone videos have become the modern weapon of justice and social media trolling has become the new style of combat, as public opinion is a lot more important than actual safety.

So when a blind teen is being beat up by another classmate and everyone is just standing around taking video, I am not at all surprises. Out of all those present, only ONE is willing to step in and deal with the bully. And that’s the result of a society that keeps telling everyone that violence isn’t the answer. We are left with a society that’s not willing to stand up for themselves and for others.

We are left with a society willing to embrace victimhood and its only defense mechanism is passive-aggressiveness.

Sure, you might call out every single protest and social movement as proof that I am wrong. But when you look at those event’s it’s easy to brave injustice when you are just one more within a crowd. These, in truth, are little more than social events to express community opinion.

It takes real cojones to step up when you stand alone.

Sure, taking video as evidence is crucial, but it does very title to stop the actual violence. Sometimes you need violence to stop violence. And if all we teach our kids is to not get involved, we end up with a society where violence will exist, and our only option is to deal with the aftermath. We need to change this.

We need to forge a society where the bully will think twice about being a bully. We need to bring back the fear of the older brother who’ll beat you up for abusing his younger sibling. We need to bring back the fear of the father who will “deal” with whoever thought of messing with his daughter. We need to bring back the fear of the stranger who will step in and stand up to whoever tries to bully someone in the street. And this is only done by having men willing to stand up against abuse.

Sure, violence isn’t the answer. But we still have to realize it’s an option.

I Want To See My Child Fall

Every man has the right to risk his own life in order to save it.

Jean Jacques Rousseau

I’ll be the first to admit, I wasn’t an easy kid to deal with. I still remember the trouble I got in when I got home after my first school fight. My mother was furious. Her disappointed glare will forever be etched in my memory as she repeated over and over phrases like “Violence is never the answer” or “I raised you better than that,” and “Wait till your father comes home.” She didn’t take into account the fact that this was an older kid who constantly bullied me and my friends or the fact that I had already told a teacher about it. Keep in mind this was a long time ago, long before the whole anti-bully school programs and long before the “everyone’s a winner” mentality that is so common now days. Back then, “boys will be boys” was the norm for issues like these. That fateful day, the kid picked on the smallest one of my friends and I just reacted. All my mother could see was the black eye, the swollen lip, the ripped shirt, and my tainted school record.

As I waited in my room, grounded for life, I ran all the possible scenarios in my head of what would happen when my father got home. Just so you know, waiting for a punishment is a lot more torturous than the actual punishment. My father walked in, curiously calm compared to my mother. He just looked at me and asked a simple question. “Who threw the last punch?” The last punch? I was expecting to be asked who started the fight, not who ended it. Fearfully I admitted it was me. He looked at me and smiled proudly and left.

“What the hell?”

I had not realized it then, but the day of that fight I learned one very important lesson. I had the power to stand up for myself and for those around me. Sure, it meant I got hit hard several times and was grounded, but I realized that not standing up for myself because I was afraid of getting hurt means you are already hurting yourself. Backing down out of fear no longer became an option in my life.

Some of the best lessons my father taught me were actually the ones where he let me get over my head and get hurt. He saw me get climb the tree from which I fell and needed stitches. He saw me make that jump on my bike from which I fell and broke my arm. He saw me go out with a girl for which I fell in love and ended up with a broken heart.

He also saw me stand up afterwards, dust myself off and try again later; sometimes by my own volition and other times thanks to his “motivation” pep talks. (read as him asking if I was “done feeling sorry for yourself?”)

Back then, I just thought my father would let me get away with almost anything. Now that I am older and a father myself, I look back and realize it wasn’t that simple. He always looked out for me without me knowing. He would “make” me compete without my noticing, thinking it was my own idea. From those contests I not only learned that wining was awesome, but I also learned the humility that comes of defeat and the importance of trying again after said defeat. He gave me enough space let me get into trouble, knowing that the only way to grow old and wise is if you are first young and stupid first. He would make me “pay-up” for whatever “stupidity” I did (and there was plenty of that in my youth), never bailing me out. You learn accountability really quickly that way.

I never knew back then all the magic he worked behind his calm façade. As a father myself, I can only now relate to the self-control needed to keep yourself from going to your kid’s rescue, giving them an easy way out. Every time you do that, the person learns there is no responsibility for their actions and someone else will always be there to solve their problems. As a husband, I can only imagine the countless arguments he must have endured dealing with my mother’s overprotective nature, as he fought to keep me from being mollycoddled into an entitled spoiled brat.

I learned more from falling and failing and getting hurt than I did from any of my successes, as I was given the opportunity to learn that failure wasn’t fatal but not learning from it was. They also taught me that a life of not doing anything for fear of getting hurt or losing isn’t really a life. It’s merely an empty existence of underachievement as you lack the 'cojones' to get your act together. Life will constantly challenge you, and you are meant to meet them head on with your head held high and your chest out. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose and sometimes you get hurt in the process of both. That’s life and if I want my kid to be strong enough to meet these challenges, I need to be strong enough to let him fall.

A Boxer’s Comfort Zone

I hated every minute of training, but I said, Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.

Muhammad Ali

The internet is full of wonderful thoughts and inspirational meme’s. One that you must have all seen is the idea of letting go and let fate, destiny, the universe, or god sort it out. For those going through tough times or stagnation, it’s a wonderful message of hope… And for anyone in need of hope, it’s a wonderful sentiment. It’s the idea that worrying won’t change a thing and that everyone gets a happy ending at the end. We see this sentiment in every “feel-good” Hollywood movie; as the girl comes running into the hero’s arms when she realizes what a wonderful guy he is or when the hero get the dream job because he randomly bumped into the CEO who was just so impressed by the hero’s “style”, he had to give him a job.

Last time I checked, when you wait for life to solve itself, you are rewarded with even more waiting while nothing happens. If anything, your life will probably get worse as you get deeper into the hole.

The idea behind the thought is that a higher power will look out for you and fix your life. And as beautiful as that sounds, the reality is that it teaches several dangerously wrong lessons. It excuses some people’s slacker attitude, as it’s assume that success will fall on their lap without any real effort other than patience while at the same time minimizes the value of hard work and determination, while making a mockery of the efforts of those trying to get ahead in life. It excuses some people’s abusive behavior, as it’s assume that life will fix them with time if you’re patient enough, while reinforces the idea that the only way to be a good person is to Martyr yourself. It teaches that the secret to success and being a good person is a combination of wishful thinking and a comfortable chair.

So, if that's not the way to do it, what's a better parable to success? Simple, boxers.

Now, don’t think that I am promoting the idea that you have to run off, flailing your arms around, swinging at every opportunity you get in life trying to get that one lucky punch in or that violence is the solution to any problem. That’s not what boxing is about, and chances are you will get beaten up pretty badly and will never understand why.

A Boxing match doesn’t start when the bell rings. It begins the day that a boxer understand that strength has nothing to do with how hard he hits. This understanding begins as soon as the fighter finds the strength that comes from the desire to someday step in the ring combined with the determination to make it happen. You have to understand that desire, determination, and training are the tools used to build the door you want opportunity to knock on. Destiny is more about hard work than it’s about luck.

When you start bringing into your corner the right people, you come to realize just how important those around you are to your success. You also come to realize just how much the wrong people have hurt your development. Funny thing about the wrong people, you can’t blame them for holding you back because it was your choice to stay with them and it's your choice to walk away from them.

In the ring, knocking someone out isn’t the only way to win, so running in hoping for that one lucky shot is actually setting yourself up to lose. That’s why to those unfamiliar with boxing, the first few rounds might look like the fighters are slacking or even dancing around. In reality it’s about measuring up and studying your opponent. When a fight might take 12 rounds, it’s best to know and understand what you’re up against. You learn pretty fast the importance of those breaks between rounds. It’s then than you can collect your thoughts and receiving advice. It’s only between rounds that you can understand what you’ve done, what works, and what you need to change.

You see, boxing isn’t about who hits the hardest, but who’s about to deal with the punishment dished out their way. Boxing has less to do with hitting than it does with keeping your guard up, bob and weaving out of the way of a punch, and position yourself in the right place at the right time. It’s about how you handle what life dishes out. Fighting smart is about matching that opportunity with timing. He also knows that you have to create opportunities and that timing is fleeting.

So instead of wishful thinking, of assuming you will be handed a prize just for sitting on your ass, realize you are an active participant of your future. Train and fight for the life you want, because that’s the only way you will get it. Get out of your comfort zone. The real comfort zone in life is the comfort of knowing you don’t have to put up with the way your life is.

Lay Down Your Arms

There comes a time when you must lay down your weapon.

Theresa Byrne

I mention time and time again the importance of keeping the warrior traditions alive within the Gentleman archetype. Without The Warrior-Scholar and the Warrior-Poet we can’t have the a true Gentleman, a man willing to stand when others would rather stay seated, a man willing to fight the good fight that others won’t and dares to do what so many are too frightened to consider. And this is good, and this should never (ever) be abandoned. Way to many people within our society are more than willing to stay seated and quiet when confronted with injustice, yet love to criticizes those trying to make an actual difference. That’s why we need (maybe now more than ever) the Gentleman-Warrior to stay alive.

But there is a down side to being a Warrior, one that we tend to overlook and too often forget to consider; sometimes you don’t have to fight.

During a conversation about memes, quotes, and sayings, fellow author and women-empowerment coach, Theresa Byrne, she shared this wonderful image that got me thinking. (The purpose of these quotes is to get you thinking) So often I speak about our obligation to fight, yet might forget to mention the importance of considering what fights we take on.

The reality is that not always do you need to fight, not always do you need to stand. Sometimes those we might view as our enemies are those who need a helping hand instead of a closed fist. Other times we might be the ones on the wrong side of a fight but our own righteousness blinds us. And it might even be that we don’t need to turn every disagreement into a trial by fire.

We are so often willing to throw ourselves into the heat of battle that we miss the very distinction that defines a warrior. We are so caught up in doing something right and being on the winning side that we forget to ask if what we are fighting for is right or how we fight is right. Way too often we get caught up in fighting to win, that we don’t consider the consequences of our actions.

I will admit its easy to have a sense of glory and pride in wining. It's very easy to forget that it only takes a few seconds to hurt someone but it sometimes takes years to repair the damage. Fighting for what’s right is defined by your character. Fighting to win is defined by vanity. Just consider your past arguments and challenges. Was the price of victory worth it? How much did you lose just to prove you were right? Did you fight because it was the right thing to do, or was it just your ego that needed the victory? There are times in your life when you need to put down your sword, unclench that fist, and offer an open mind . It might take great courage to pick up the sword, but it takes greater courage not to use it.