Saved By The ‘Man-Box’

True strength is when you have a lot to cry about, but you choose to smile and take another step forward instead.

C.Tang

(Before we even start, this post goes out to every man who has endured the pain of been away from his family for whatever reason and to every man who has stood like a rock by his family during the darkest times. You define what being a man is.)

If you have spent any time looking over motivational articles or heard some pseudo life expert, they will call out the quaint “Break free from the box” cliché, how men need to step out of the man box that holds them back. They will continue going on with a rant as how the ‘Man-Box’ only serves as a prison for men.

When asked what the Man-Box is, each of them goes into a different explanation with the only common thread being “it’s bad.” Ironically, and the main reason why I can’t agree with them, they want men to break free from the Man-Box only if you then fit into the box they have carefully laid out for you.

Break free from your preconceptions just as long as you fit into my preconceptions.

I’m going to reframe from printing what my reply would be to avoid being vulgar. And my main problem with this mentality is that way to many times I have seen men stand strong thanks to the very ‘Man-Box’ so many condemn.

I have seen a brother, relocated far away, smiling and laughing while skyping with their 6 year old daughter, only to break down right after they log off. I have seen a deployed brother telling his fiancé how it was an uneventful day, when he a few hours earlier he almost lost his life. I have seen a brother kiss his wife and say that everything will be alright, when five minutes earlier her doctor told him how her cancer was terminal. I have seen a brother happily play with a son who will never know his father’s challenges. I have seen a brother tell his mother how everything goes well, when she no longer remembers what day it is.

I have said before in several occasions that a man must know when to ask for help, ask for a helping hand. But there are times when you are the rock for someone to hold on to hope and happiness. There are times when you must swallow your own pain and your own suffering, to lessen the suffering of those you love. THAT was the lesson that was taught to me as a young man of what a man really is. And to this day, that is the measuring stick I use to determine the worth of any man.

Those that condemn the ‘Man-Box’ fail to understand one very important thing. Each man creates his own box. And by doing so, they don’t create a prison, but an armor to help them deal with a world that can be both, beautiful and horrible. So as you set off into the world, make sure you don’t end up fitting into anyone else’s box, but rather create your own. Just make sure it’s one that empowers you and gives you the strength to help those around you stand proud of you being in their lives.

The Pride That Kills

Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need.

Khalil Gibran

Gentlemen, today I want to talk to you about a very serious topic. I know you are good men at heart. You are self-sacrificing and always go that extra mile to help others. You try your best to lend that helping hand those in need require so they don’t go under. You are that smile that brightens someone’s day, that shoulder to cry on, that support someone needs when their world is crashing down, and that shield standing between yours and the slings and arrows of a horrible world. And this is something to be proud of, being that warrior who stands strong so others don’t have to.

That’s exactly where the danger lies for most Gentlemen.

Too often we define our lives on how strong we are; defining ourselves by our role as a protector to those around us. And this is a noble endeavor. But all too often, some of us are left with little meaning to our lives, as our role in service to others is no longer needed, or when we they can’t carry this burden any longer because we are no longer capable to do so physically or mentally. In other cases, it’s just that we have carried the burden for too long and it’s weight has broken our backs.

For those readers unaware, the suicide rate among men is about 4 times higher than among women, where the largest group isn’t the angst ridden teen, but rather men between 45 to 64 years old. After cancer and heart disease, suicide accounts for as the top cause of death for men, and in some, and in some countries like Australia and the UK, has actually surpassed them. Right now suicide, not war, is the principal cause of death among our military members.

But why bring this up when speaking of Chivalry and Gentlemanly acts? Haven’t most gentlemen proven their temper and tolerance time and time again in life? Haven’t they stood up against the worst of life and come out victorious? The true sign of a gentleman is not about showing off his victories, but overcoming battles that nobody will ever find out about. And as noble as this ideal is, it comes at a price.

What about those hidden battles we lose? What do we do when the warrior we were is no longer needed? What do we do when we can no longer stand as a barrier against the world for physically or mentally reasons? What then? We have taken pride in standing against the Abyss, but what do we do when WE are the ones in danger of falling in? Having courage to fight the evils outside is based on being strong, but to facing the evils inside is based on being able to admit, specially to yourself, that you can be weak.

That isn’t easy.

Gentlemen, there is no shame is asking for help, in acknowledging when you’ve reached your breaking point. Sometimes you just need someone to throw you a rope, so you can pull yourself up to shore. Other times you might need someone to actually help you out of the water before you drown. And there is no shame in either, as it might be your turn to need saving. When you are able to accept this, you can move on to other roles of life, able to redefine yourself, and, more importantly, able to save yourself.

PS.

If you need to find someone to throw you a life line, the following are numbers you can call in complete confidentiality to help you out. 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (US)

1 (800) 273-8255 

Samaritans (UK)

08457 90 90 90 * 

Lifeline (Australia)

13 11 14

Lay Down Your Arms

There comes a time when you must lay down your weapon.

Theresa Byrne

I mention time and time again the importance of keeping the warrior traditions alive within the Gentleman archetype. Without The Warrior-Scholar and the Warrior-Poet we can’t have the a true Gentleman, a man willing to stand when others would rather stay seated, a man willing to fight the good fight that others won’t and dares to do what so many are too frightened to consider. And this is good, and this should never (ever) be abandoned. Way to many people within our society are more than willing to stay seated and quiet when confronted with injustice, yet love to criticizes those trying to make an actual difference. That’s why we need (maybe now more than ever) the Gentleman-Warrior to stay alive.

But there is a down side to being a Warrior, one that we tend to overlook and too often forget to consider; sometimes you don’t have to fight.

During a conversation about memes, quotes, and sayings, fellow author and women-empowerment coach, Theresa Byrne, she shared this wonderful image that got me thinking. (The purpose of these quotes is to get you thinking) So often I speak about our obligation to fight, yet might forget to mention the importance of considering what fights we take on.

The reality is that not always do you need to fight, not always do you need to stand. Sometimes those we might view as our enemies are those who need a helping hand instead of a closed fist. Other times we might be the ones on the wrong side of a fight but our own righteousness blinds us. And it might even be that we don’t need to turn every disagreement into a trial by fire.

We are so often willing to throw ourselves into the heat of battle that we miss the very distinction that defines a warrior. We are so caught up in doing something right and being on the winning side that we forget to ask if what we are fighting for is right or how we fight is right. Way too often we get caught up in fighting to win, that we don’t consider the consequences of our actions.

I will admit its easy to have a sense of glory and pride in wining. It's very easy to forget that it only takes a few seconds to hurt someone but it sometimes takes years to repair the damage. Fighting for what’s right is defined by your character. Fighting to win is defined by vanity. Just consider your past arguments and challenges. Was the price of victory worth it? How much did you lose just to prove you were right? Did you fight because it was the right thing to do, or was it just your ego that needed the victory? There are times in your life when you need to put down your sword, unclench that fist, and offer an open mind . It might take great courage to pick up the sword, but it takes greater courage not to use it.

The Guy You Used To Be...

 It’s not about the Guy you used to be, but the Gentleman you’ve become.

Being Caballero's Motto

If you’re reading this, means you’ve seen this phrase in all my cover images. And you might think it’s a rather cool phrase, somewhat catchy, and just leave it at that. The reality behind it is probably the biggest challenge every man trying to better himself has to face, living past the man they used to be.

People might say that they live in the present, or that the actions they do today define who they are. But the truth is that we live in a society that reinforces shame and guilt, a society that will try to make you small because of the man you used to be. And it will remind you everything you have done wrong every time you start to do better. Be it your acquaintances, your friends, your spouse, or even worse, yourself, someone will drag out your past mistakes and failures to bring you down. That shame of who you were, and that fear that you will never live down your past, is usually what keeps you from moving forward.

An even more dangerous attitude is accepting these past sins as what defines you. “This is who I am. You don’t like it, F.U.” Really? You don’t even like yourself and want to change, so why start lying to yourself just because others would rather bring you down and limit yourself. Why let their attitude empower them by depowering you?

Here’s the reality. Life is like a Credit Card. You do bad things; you don’t pay them at that time. But that debt is there, and creates interest. And just when things start to turn around, as you start to make life work, the collection agencies will start knocking at your door. That is how Karma works. So treat it like a collection agency. Accept your responsibility, deal with your debt, and accept the interest it accumulated. That is part of the process to make your life right.

Now, as with collection agencies that get overzealous and greedy, learn when to give yourself enough respect and learn when to tell them “No.” Don’t give them power over your life. These people thrive on making others miserable, and will feed of your guilt, many times unfounded guilt. Becoming a Better Man is hard enough without having to add people trying to sabotage your life.

Give yourself value. Sure, you might have messed up; you might have strayed from your path. That’s not being a bad person, it’s called being human. Stand up, brush it off and move forward. Just don’t think you won’t have to pay back that debt with interest. Respect yourself enough to move forward. Don’t let anyone stop you, especially yourself.