#MentorsMatter

Every kid needs a mentor. Everybody needs a mentor.

Donovan Bailey

We’ve probably all heard the comments, of how boys have few male role models thanks to the absentee fathers. This is the main reason why we have today men who don’t know how to be good men, men of character and integrity. Personally? I don’t buy it.

That would mean any man raised by a single mom, by a dad who has to work double shifts just to make ends meet, the sister raising her little brother, or any other combination of alternate family would predestine the boy to grow up into a less than worthwhile man.  It also means that any boy raised with an ever present father will automatically become a good man. And both cases, as we’ve seen in life, are bullshit.

Do boys need a good male role model? Absolutely! Does it HAVE to be the father? It would be nice, but not necessarily. You see, male role models come in every single shape and size, ever profession and every social class. Just look back at your own life. What man showed you what it meant to be a good man? It’s might have been the sports coach, the school teacher, the martial arts instructor, your first manager, your counselor, your drill sergeant, or simply your next door neighbor.

Male role model and mentors are nothing more than the man who shows you by example how to be a good man. It’s about giving boys hope, that they can be more than they are now. It’s about minimizing the gap between the boy they are now and the man they could be in the future. It’s not about pointing out everything that kids today do wrong, but about showing them what they could be if they tried to do things right.

And on the flip side, being an example to these boys keep us in check, something we desperately need as well. They remind us that our actions have meaning, to reconsider every time we want to quit, to do the right thing every time we’re given options, and to walk the path of the righteous man. Nothing keeps someone walking the straight and narrow as knowing they make a difference in someone’s life.

You might think that you’re not role model material, or that it’s unfair to place that kind of responsibility and burden upon your shoulders. Guess what. You don’t really have a choice in the matter. You’re actions will either be an example or a justification to the actions of those who come up behind you. Realizing this means you own up to every single action, attitude, and decision you make in your life. No longer are you living for yourself, but rather you start living for everyone else within society.

You want a world full of great men? You want men to walk within a positive life? You want boys who can make a difference? Start by being a great man, walking a positive life, and make a difference. If you’re lucky, someone will be watching and taking notes.

Role Models, Sexting, and Child Pornography

Shout out to all of the women, across the world, using their brains, their strength, their work ethic, their talent, their ‘magic’ that they were born with, that only they possess. It may not ever bring you as much ‘attention’ or bank notes as using your body, your sex, your tits and asses, but women like you don’t need that kind of ‘attention.’

In the quiet moments, you will feel something deeper than the fleeting excitement resulting from attention; you will feel something called pride and self respect. Keep resisting the urge to cave. You’ll never have to make silly excuses for yourself.

Pink

Some time ago, the internet went into a short lived “frenzy,” as internet frenzies go, as a social media celebrity posted yet another nude picture of herself. Some people criticized her for exploiting her looks and objectifying herself while other’s applauded her bravery for embracing her body and being empowered by her sexuality. If I’m completely honest, I couldn’t have care less about the entire affair. It’s her life, her body, and her choices. Besides, I have better things to do with my time and if I’m even more honest, the modern definition of “bravery” still seems to elude me. That’s till I heard the phrase “role model for young girls” being thrown around, and I was appalled.

You may notice how I try to steer away from discussions that in any way tell women how to act or behave. I leave that kind of discussions about women and their issues to those who know more about them than I do, specifically women. But when we use terms like role models to young girls, there are plenty of fathers who need to realize the very real danger of this kind of debate. Those who have daughters need to see what society defines as applaudable behavior to women. Those who have sons need to see how society defines as worth while women.

And just as the modern definition of “bravery” seems to elude me, the definition of “role model” seems to elude so many within our society. At its simplest form, a role model is someone you try to emulate, as they represent the standard you want to achieve. They are the example of what you can become. So when we say that this woman is a role model for young girls, you are saying that young girls should emulate (read as copy) her actions. And I might here you saying that nobody can tell girls what to do with their body, as doing so would be body shaming or just plain sexist.

That’s great and all if you also took the time to tell girls (and boys) the legal consequences of taking half naked pictures of themselves! A naked pic of anyone under 18 is basically child pornography. That means anyone taking the pic, even if it’s of themselves is manufacturing child pornography from a criminal perspective. And yes…Child, under the definition of the law is anyone under 18 years of age. So that 16 year old girl taking a topless pic of herself or that 17 year old boy taking a dick pic is in fact producing Child pornography. And to those unaware of the legal consequences, this is a first degree crime; you know.. with a penalty comparable to premeditated murder.

And it gets even more interesting from there.

Having a questionable picture of a minor (even if it’s of yourself) in your phone constitutes possession of Child pornography (5 years in prison) while forwarding it (or posting it online) constitutes distribution (10 years in prison). Sending a nude pic to a minor (again, younger than 18) is exposing them to pornography and “corrupting influences,” each location having their own selection of criminal penalties. FB and Instagram banning nipple shots has nothing to do with slut shaming and everything to do with legal regulations.

The problem here is that parents want to believe that our teens are old enough to handle themselves, something our teens try to convince us about constantly. It’s that or parents don’t want to assume their obligation as parents. Pick which ever you want, the criminal system doesn’t really care. The legal system defines a child in the simplest way possible. Under 18? You’re problem, mom and dad. Oh, by the way, Social Services wants to sit down with you and chat about the kind of household you have.

Its funny how during the entire debate of whether a person can be empowered by posting their body all over the internet and how we should respect her as a role model, not once did anyone explain to young girls and boys what would happen if they did the same. Any picture with any kind of questionable content that gets posted, forwarded, or unwittingly uploaded to a cloud will last for eternity and will resurface when they can cause the most damage to a person. Ironically, this was something the celebrity mentioned she deals with every time her sex tape resurfaces, yet not once did she tell her younger followers to not do.

You don’t want something to resurface? Start by not posting it.

You might think that I’m exaggerating the repercussions, as this kind of behavior is so common place nowadays. The reality is that the laws haven’t yet caught up with social media and phone trends. Sure, courts might be lenient if they understand that this was a dumb kid making a dumb mistake. Other times they might not and make an example of the youth.

That doesn’t get us, as parents, off the hook for not teaching our kids the consequences of their actions, online and offline. We need to understand that even if it’s their phone, it’s our legal responsibility how they use it. We need to be more selective on who we assign the label of role model. Most importantly, it’s our job to teach our kids that if they ever want respect, they first have to respect themselves.

Beware of Being Wrong When You’re Being Right.

Arrogance on the part of the meritorious is even more offensive to us than the arrogance of those without merit: for merit itself is offensive.

Friedrich Nietzsche

There is a sense of fulfillment that comes from making a stand, from challenging injustice, from fighting for what you believe in. Being right empowers you to be more as it give you the confidence to confront those who are wrong. And if the general attitude of most people is to be believed, it gives you a license to be an asshole and people seem to like being assholes.

Take a moment to consider the cynical pleasure some people get from saying “I told you so.” You could actually assume that they WANT you to fail, just to be able to do that. Yet these same people don’t understand why, when they are right and are offering good advice, others don’t pay attention or simply refuse to take this advice. Some actually get offended by the other person’s dismissal. So when the time comes around that they were right, they gloat and brag.

This is a horrible downward spiral based on vanity, ego, and a terrible attitude of superiority. Realize that if you start your advice tied to a sense of “I’m right, you’re wrong” you have no intention of helping the person. All you want to do is fill your ego, prove your superiority. That’s why you get offended when the person prefers to ignore your recommendations. That’s why you get that perverted pleasure of seeing them fail, that’s when you show how shallow you are as you voice the “I told you so.”

Worse yet, by telling them “I told you so,” you actually keep them from learning from their mistakes. If we grow from our mistakes, you want them to think how their mistake was not doing it your way. You are feeding your insecurities, your vanity, and your ego with someone else’s misery. Again, you’re just being a bad person.

If your intent is to actually help the person, help them. Don’t tell them how to do it, tell them how you did it when it was your turn. Tell them why you did it that way, and let them make their own choices. As I have said so often, nobody has a monopoly on the truth.

The reality is that they might actually figure out a better way. Maybe they got it wrong, but they will learn from their mistakes, and grow from them. Learn to offer your hand, not your judgments, to those who have fallen. They are already being critical of their own failure. What they need is someone to help them rise up, not someone who kicks them while they are down.

"Man Prayer" - words by Eve Ensler, film by Tony Stroebel

The best and the worst aspect of writing about becoming a better man come from the same source, random finds on the internet. And today, it was a good day as this beautiful Vid popped up in my news feed.

May I be a Man

Whose confidence comes from the depth of my giving

Who understands that vulnerability is my greatest strength

Who creates space rather than dominates it

Who appreciates listening more than knowing

Who seeks kindness over control

Who cries when the grief is too much

Who refuses the slap, the gun, the choke, the insult, the punch

May I not be afraid to get lost

May I cherish touch more than performance

and the experience more than getting there

May I move slowly, not abruptly

May I be brave enough to share my fear and shame

and gather the other men to do the same

May I stop pretending and open the parts of me that have long been numb

May I cherish, respect and love my mother

May the resonance of that love translate into loving all women and living things

 

Be Defined By What You Love, Not By What You Hate.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Let’s do a simple thought experiment. Think about how you would change the world, in what you believe in, and what drives you. Reduce those thoughts to simple statements, two or three of them. Now consider how many of these statements are based on things you hate, and how many are based on things you love. Which wins?

We tend to define our attitude based on what we hate, yet this does very little to actually create a better world. Hating racism, hating misogyny, or hating homophobia does not mean you support equality. You are promoting or providing a better world. It just means you think these things are wrong. It might seem like an issue of syntaxis, but it’s a mayor issue of syntaxis.

When you tell someone that what they are doing is wrong, their reaction is to lock up. They turn into rebellious teenagers, ignoring if it’s wrong or right, and just try to prove they can win. We see this in every aspect of society, as people start taking absurd stands. Yet these stands are not that absurd when you consider why they came about, as a rebellion of being told they are wrong.

Stop telling people that what they are doing is wrong. Instead tell them how they can do better. What they are doing wrong will go away as a result. Stop trying to fight racism, but rather make people understand that all races are equal. Stop trying to get rid of misogyny or misandry, but rather talk about gender equality. Educate people in acceptance of different sexual orientations, and not just in tolerance. Strive for a better world, not one with fewer wrongs.