Old Dogs Learn New Tricks

We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.

George Bernard Shaw

Take a moment and think about last year at this same date. Does it feel like a lifetime ago or does it feel like if it was yesterday? Have you changed much or not at all? Has your life? How about 2 years ago? How about 4? If you have kids, do you remember how big they were two years ago and feel like they are so much bigger now than they should be?

Time will pass, no matter what you do. How much do you have to show for it?

I ask these questions because every time I tell someone they should pick up a new hobby, learn a new skill, going back to school, or making a lifestyle change; their immediate reaction is usually “I’m too old to start now” as if we only have a limited amount of years for self-betterment.

I know that as we grow older, we are less likely to deal with becoming a novice again, the notion of realizing just how little we know, how much work we need, and just how much help we require. But that’s the beauty of time, it passes whether you want it to pass or not. How long does it take to learn a new skill? A week? A month? A year? If that time will pass anyway, are you willing to put up with being a beginner for a short period of your life, one that will pass anyway, to become more?

The other typical excuse is just how hectic our lives are. Let’s assume that you would take up a hobby, is your schedule so packed and complicated that you can’t take a couple of hours off a week to go to class? How long is your commute? Instead of listening to random babble on the radio, you could take that time to put on a conversational language lessons. Instead of dozing off in the metro, you could read a book on the topic of your interest. Your day’s full, wake up an hour earlier and practice before your usual chaotic life starts. Instead of cooking any old thing, add in half an hour to the prep time and try out a new recipe. Get on that treadmill or work out while watching TV, or simply turn off the TV for a bit. The reality is that forcing yourself to take a break for a couple of hours a week from your usual rat-race will actually help you perform better in your daily routine.

Instead of thinking about the time it will take, which often seems daunting, consider how long it took. Waiting a week often seems like a long wait, yet last week doesn’t seem that far off. Start considering time in the past sense instead of the future sense. Just think how far into that exercise regimen you would be if you started last Monday instead of waiting till next Monday. Consider how skilled you would already be if you registered for that class last semester instead of putting it off till the next one.

The reality is that you are never too old to learn or too busy to take time for yourself. It’s all about priorities. If your priority is to feel old, then yes, you are too old to learn. If your priority is to feel busy, then yes, you are too busy. But if your priority is to grow as a man, then neither age nor time will never be a barrier.

Learn To Cut The Red Wire

Explain your anger, don’t express it, and you will immediately open the door to solutions instead of arguments.

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One of the biggest challenges when dealing with social interaction is when we place the need to be right and be heard over the need of doing right and hearing others. We, unconsciously, train ourselves to win arguments and assume that we are right. We tend to assume that any criticism is an attack on a personal level so we react by taking a defensive attitude, sometimes even going so far as to go on the offensive against the person who made the criticism. A larger problem arises when we realize we “might” be wrong, yet by this time we have dug ourselves so far down the hole, we don’t know how to get out.

With all our defense mechanisms we have developed to protect our ego, we forgot to develop the tools necessary to understand those with a different opinion than ours, we forgot that empathy to the pain and frustration of others is something you must develop. More so, we are never really taught the tools to properly express said empathy and interest in understanding. The closest we learn is to say “let’s agree to disagree.” To be honest, that phrase can be translated to “I don’t really care what you think and I’m tired of trying to make you realize I’m right.”

Our discussions shouldn’t be about expressing our anger and frustrations. They should be about explaining our anger and frustrations. The first one promotes the problem and is used to attack someone. The other is looking for understanding and for a solution. The other person might be hurt and is simply trying to find some retribution, even if it’s not the proper way to go about it. Keep in mind that you are just as responsible as the other person if the situation escalates. If anything, it’s your responsibility to deflate the issue, from an argument into a discussion. With that being said, how can you turn a situation from the first to the latter when you are at the receiving end of the debate?

The first thing is you must keep your own temper in check. Meeting anger with anger is like trying to extinguish a fire with gasoline. Be mindful of your own tone and volume, as these usually say more about a person’s intentions than the actual words they use. But what can you say to start creating a conversation where people can actually be understood. Well, let’s start with that.

“I may be misunderstanding…”

Start with the possibility that you don’t really understand what the problem is. It might even be that the person doesn’t quite understand the problem themselves. This forces the person to explain what is bothering them, rather than express the fact that they are bothered.

“How does that look to you?”

Often arguments are a result, not of a difference in opinions, but a difference in perspective. What you view in one way, the other person might view it in a different light. You are simply asking them to explain. It’s easier to understand something when you understand where the other person’s coming from.”

“I understand…”

Believe it or not, “I’m sorry” isn’t the most effective defuser of a situation, this is. “I understand” means you, well, understand. It means you actually place yourself in the other person’s shoes. Just avoid, AT ALL COSTS, to add the “but.” “I understand, but …” means you are planning to pretty much ignore the other person’s opinion.

“I’ve noticed…”

Defusing a situation isn’t just about one person calming down another, but about creating a conversation where both are part of the solution. This allows you to explain your point of view without making it into some kind of attack. It forces the other person to look at your perspective, but keep in mind this only works if the person has seen you are willing to do the same.

“Let me show you…”

Many times those who are angry don’t really want to see any other point of view or any other reality other than their own. This isn’t about showing how the other person is wrong and you are right, but about showing the person where you are coming from, what your perspective is.

“What alternative do you suggest?”

Here’s a tricky one. When genuinely done, this is about valuing the other person’s opinion and input. When spited out just to get it out of the way, this is pretty much along the same line as the empty “I’m sorry,” a condescending way to say “shut up already.”

“How can we work together to make this work?”

All too often, arguments are about one person telling the other to fix something without both taking some kind of responsibility for the solution. This forces both parties to actually work together for an inclusive solution.

“Let’s talk about what IS working.”

This might seem like you are redirecting the conversation to avoid the topic. This only works AFTER you have set the ground work for a proactive conversation. When you understand what works and why it does, this can be extrapolated to deal with what doesn’t work. It also turns the mode of the conversation into one where positive solutions are more possible instead of dragging on all the things that make a solution impossible.

Always Start With Your Best Foot Forward

Pride is taking less than you need.

Khalil Gibran

We are constantly bombarded with the idea that we live in a narcissist society. People constantly post how awesome their lives are in FB, upload selfie after selfie in a desperate need for likes, and post comments on every social post in a need to feel heard. There is a rather interesting irony to all of this need for attention and recognition. Of all the questions and posts people make, there is one that challenges more than any other, one that even the most confident person seems to have problems answering, and yet it’s one of the most common within our social interaction.

Tell me about yourself.

We have become so self-conscious about not sounding arrogant and about being humble that we tend to sell ourselves short or act humble for narcissistic reasons. Other times we use the “start weak / end strong” strategy that works great in conflict situations. This stratagem doesn’t quite work in a non-conflict environment. Let’s look at both cases.

I want you to consider two things about what you are doing when selling yourself short when being humble of whom you are. The first to review is the reason why you are doing this. If you are good at something, stating it is nothing more than stating a truth. Note that I am not talking about ramping up your self-importance, but why do you feel you must hide the matter-of-fact aspects? The problem is that we are made to feel ashamed of success, or at least not to be proud of it. Are you doing it because you are ashamed of your success or of what you have achieved? Are you actually being humble or are you just selling the idea of being humble? Are you selling it to others? Or worse, to yourself?

The other aspect is the “start weak / end strong” tactic. This works great in a prolonged conflict situation where you can take advantage of the miscommunication. You start out weak, giving yourself time to better read your opponent while at the same time causes your opponent to underestimate you. In this kind of interaction, this strategy works great. The problem is that this one doesn’t work well at all when you want to create a positive impression on a person.

When you meet someone, you start creating a frame over which you define a picture of the person. This foundation establishes the base idea, your initial opinion of the person. To avoid giving an impression of arrogance, people tend to avoid starting with the positive aspects of themselves, or if they do, these aspects are down played. The logic is that the person will later realize just how good of a person you really are when they get to know you better.

Remember that you have to consider the other participant of the conversation. If you start off explaining the negative aspects of who you are, THAT will be the foundation they will use to define you. Everything else you state after that will be based over that negative view that YOU created for them. Interestingly enough, after the base frame is created in a person’s head, a lot of what you say afterwards is simply static noise, so whatever positive elements you dish out are lost.

That being said, you should start with the positive aspects of yourself. If you know who you are and what you are worth, you should have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. This will create a positive frame though which the person will view you. And you are doing this by being honest about yourself. You can follow up with the not so positive elements, mostly for disclosure purposes. Keep in mind that if you are a good person, successful in what you do, and honorable in your character; it has been because of a conscious effort and hard work. This is something you should never be ashamed of.

How To Become A Noble Man:

There are complete men and incomplete men. If you would be a complete man, put all of your soul's strength into all of your life's actions.

Eugenio Maria de Hostos

I once asked my grandfather how I could become a Caballero. He looked at me, somewhat amused at the question. He took a sip of his coffee and told me another story.

Do you know what's hell? Hell is the day you meet the man you could have become and then look into a mirror and see the man you actually became.

Many people will over complicate who they are simply to excuse not being more. They will complain that they don’t have the time to spend with their kids, yet have no problem making time to watch the ball game. They will complain how eating healthy is expensive, yet have no problem spending almost $10 in a Mocha Latte Triple Macchiato. They will complain how they wished they could be more romantic with their partner, yet spend their nights playing Call of Duty.

This is especially true within the “Social Justice Circle” as they will create morally acceptable excuses to do little while at the same time get a cheerleading section to back up their apathy. “I don’t dress up because I am my own man and magazines can’t tell me how to look.” “I am beautiful just as I am, so I’m planning to let myself go to a point that, even though I might be disgusting, I’m still beautiful.” “I swear like a trucker and treat others like shit because you can’t judge me.” “How dare you (work out/dress up/actually educate yourself enough on a topic to question my opinion). You’re the problem, not me!”

Personally, I am too tired to fight that fight, calling out all the bullshit excuses people use to actually do little for themselves. Because the reality is, it’s not that complicated to become a better man, or a better person. It’s not easy, but it’s not that complicated.

Start by defining who you want to be, what makes a better man in your eyes. Look at those around you, what do they do that inspires you? Do you want to be more dependable? More romantic? More honorable? Throw into the mix anything and everything you think makes a better man, a better you.

You know what you just did? You just created your own role model. In a society where role models are few and far between, having your own in your back pocket is more than just a social hack, it’s a survival tool.

Now for the hard part. Become that man. This takes work, self-sacrifice, and determination. It takes throwing away the ability to make excuses for your own behavior. You want to be more educated? Force yourself to study. You want to be more skilled at something? Force yourself to practice. You want to be there for those who you care about? STOP MAKING BULLSHIT EXCUSES AS TO WHY YOU'RE NOT THERE!

But here’s a little trick. Role play that man you want to become. Act out the qualities he has while you grow. Use him as a shell, as a suit that still fits to big, one that you will grow into. In simpler terms. Fake it till you make it.

After a while you will notice that the suit seems to shrink and fit better. The reality is that it’s not the mold that shrinks, but that you grow. And after a while you won’t need the mold any more as you became the man you wanted to become.

It might not be easy, but it’s really that simple.