Old Dogs Learn New Tricks

We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.

George Bernard Shaw

Take a moment and think about last year at this same date. Does it feel like a lifetime ago or does it feel like if it was yesterday? Have you changed much or not at all? Has your life? How about 2 years ago? How about 4? If you have kids, do you remember how big they were two years ago and feel like they are so much bigger now than they should be?

Time will pass, no matter what you do. How much do you have to show for it?

I ask these questions because every time I tell someone they should pick up a new hobby, learn a new skill, going back to school, or making a lifestyle change; their immediate reaction is usually “I’m too old to start now” as if we only have a limited amount of years for self-betterment.

I know that as we grow older, we are less likely to deal with becoming a novice again, the notion of realizing just how little we know, how much work we need, and just how much help we require. But that’s the beauty of time, it passes whether you want it to pass or not. How long does it take to learn a new skill? A week? A month? A year? If that time will pass anyway, are you willing to put up with being a beginner for a short period of your life, one that will pass anyway, to become more?

The other typical excuse is just how hectic our lives are. Let’s assume that you would take up a hobby, is your schedule so packed and complicated that you can’t take a couple of hours off a week to go to class? How long is your commute? Instead of listening to random babble on the radio, you could take that time to put on a conversational language lessons. Instead of dozing off in the metro, you could read a book on the topic of your interest. Your day’s full, wake up an hour earlier and practice before your usual chaotic life starts. Instead of cooking any old thing, add in half an hour to the prep time and try out a new recipe. Get on that treadmill or work out while watching TV, or simply turn off the TV for a bit. The reality is that forcing yourself to take a break for a couple of hours a week from your usual rat-race will actually help you perform better in your daily routine.

Instead of thinking about the time it will take, which often seems daunting, consider how long it took. Waiting a week often seems like a long wait, yet last week doesn’t seem that far off. Start considering time in the past sense instead of the future sense. Just think how far into that exercise regimen you would be if you started last Monday instead of waiting till next Monday. Consider how skilled you would already be if you registered for that class last semester instead of putting it off till the next one.

The reality is that you are never too old to learn or too busy to take time for yourself. It’s all about priorities. If your priority is to feel old, then yes, you are too old to learn. If your priority is to feel busy, then yes, you are too busy. But if your priority is to grow as a man, then neither age nor time will never be a barrier.

Why I Can’t Tell You How To Be A Gentleman.

As we get older, it's important for us to help hand back some of what we've gained as we've grown older. It should be one of your responsibilities - it's almost like being a mentor.

Ciara

While in the process of determining whether to self-publish ‘Being Caballero: A Conversation About Gentlemen’ or go down the path of a Literary Agent, I went ahead and submitted a proposal to a couple of Agents. One Agent actually made a content specific reply explaining why my proposal was denied. They weren’t interested, not because of the topic or the content, but rather the format didn’t fit their publishing style. The fact that I don’t list a series of steps, checklists if you will, on how to become a Gentleman, meant that my book didn’t fit their formula. And this is not the first time I have heard a similar comment.

Many people have actually asked me if I ever plan to write up a step-by-step guide to ‘Gentleman’ing, something I have refused to do and will probably avoid doing. You see, a step-by-step guide or a set of rules means that I believe that a gentleman isn’t about his personal values or even his character, but rather about just following a bunch of rules that have worked for me specifically. And assuming that what worked for me will work for every other guy is a pretty arrogant assumption on my part and a true disservice to the cause of Gentlemen and to the men trying to follow the Cammino, the Path. Everyone has to work on their own strengths and weaknesses; not on mine.

If I had any doubt of the damage these kinds of articles and book do, a couple of weeks ago a friend asked some dating advice. He was frustrated because he was doing everything ‘right’, doing the proper steps and social intricacies expected from men, yet found he was getting nowhere in his romantic life. After talking with him for a while, and mulling it over I came to a simple realization. He was trying to socialize and date based on his preconception of what the dating process is and not on what he found comfortable or actually enjoyed. My advice was simple, work on your strengths while understanding your weaknesses. (Ok, it was a bit more than just that, but you get the general idea.)

If checklists work, why am I not seeing any results?

Because checklists worked for the guy who wrote them, for magazine filling content, and as a comfort blanket to the person trying them out. And when it doesn’t work, the author usually blames the reader while the reader blames the author. And in a way both are responsible for the success and failure of the list.

A mentor can only be as good as a student willing to think on his own, and a student is only as good as he is willing to question what is taught to him. For that reason, the best I can do is explain why things are done in a certain way, give examples based of experience, and offer the tools available for a person to use. It is the reader’s obligation to understand what tools work for him and how these lessons apply to his own life. That way they become their own Gentleman, and not simply try to act like a clone of my own.

P.S.

In case you are wondering what’s going to be covered in the book, here’s a quick breakdown.

Prolegomenon: A Gentleman Defined

An introduction to the concept of the Gentlemen as a universal archetype of the exceptional man, a concept found in every culture throughout history. It’s meant to address and challenge some of the general myths and misconceptions about what a Gentleman is.

Cammino: Pursuit Of A Better Man Reborn

The first section is lessons and concepts a young man should consider when starting on the path of a Gentleman. The second section is to help men who have strayed refind the Gentleman they lost along the way.

Destino: The Social Gentleman

The last section deals with how a Gentleman interacts with society. It deals with how to handle your role as an example to others and a mentor in the first part. The second part deals with social and romantic relationships based on respect and dignity.

‘I’ am sorry for ‘We’

Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility.

Sigmund Freud

A few weeks ago, I was honored to be invited to one of the weekly meetings of the local chapter of ManKind Project. Apparently my topics of choice had caught the attention of Glenn Barker from ManKind Project’s Chicago Chapter. It was him who directed me to the chapter located in my area. I was more than impressed with the work this organization is doing and I wish I could participate more often with them. Unfortunately, the days of their weekly meetings conflict with commitments I already have.

But this is not about conflicted personal planning or about the organization per se, but rather how I was called out during the meeting. As I spoke with some of the members about what we did here at Being Caballero, one member called me out on ‘We.’ If I wrote the articles, why did I use ‘we’? And that got me thinking.

When I started writing, others in the team would look over my work. I would bounce ideas back and forth with friends and colleagues, using the debates as a means of testing and reviewing ideas. Even if I wrote the original articles and did the actual posting, others were involved in the process, and I felt it was a team effort. And in a way, it was done to keep my ego in check. At no point would I assume absolute praise for the work that was a team effort…

And that sounds pretty considerate on my part till I realized that night that there is a flip side to the coin.  By constantly saying ‘We’ I was also avoiding absolute responsibility for the written words in the site.

That’s when I realized how we do this every day, in many aspects of life. A couple, a group, or an organization might say ‘we decided’ on this or that. The truth is that one person decided, and the others agreed. And there is nothing wrong with having the original idea, nor is there something wrong with agreeing. Yet by saying ‘we’, whoever thought up the idea can avoid responsibility for it, yet is more than willing to take praise for its success.

‘We’ is nothing more than a way to avoid saying ‘I’, a way to avoid the heavy weight that comes from responsibility. ‘I’ can have an idea. ‘I’ can take action. And if you agree with me, or think in a similar manner, ‘You’ can join me. If you disagree ‘You’ can question ‘Me’, and it would be ‘My’ responsibility to address it.

Because when everything is said and done, no matter how many others help me out, no matter how many things influence my actions; ‘I’ am responsible for ‘Me.’

I Carry Loaded Words and I’m Not Afraid to Use Them.

Sometimes, people can be extraordinarily judgmental and closed-minded to anyone different or special, which is why it's so hard for young people in this day and age to be comfortable enough in their own skin to not listen to the people picking on them.

Ariana Grande

As a writer, you have the constant reminder that the sword of Damocles is over your head with every word you type. The reality is that words are powerful and dangerous and the more articulate one is, the more dangerous words become. But unlike the spoken word, where whatever stupidity you spout out is left at the mercy of the wind and memory, the written word is there, constant and eternal, just to remind you what was that stupidity you decided to include in the article, and left there after your third edit. That means I try to be careful as to what words I use, always considering how they might be interpreted.

The three words that I would have never guessed would have caused me the most aggravation are actually the three words that sat at the core of my entire treatise; Lady, Gentleman, and Chivalry. In this article, I will only focus on Lady and Gentleman, since it relates to the idea that I want to express.

Every once in a while, when I used either word in my articles, the reaction by some people was as if I had included a slur as they went into full blown attack mode. That caused me to reconsider using these words, looking for suitable synonyms. Apparently these words held some kind of weighted preconception and prejudice attached to them for some people. So I spent hours and days thinking and mulling for alternatives. Gallantry, Noble Man, Chevalier, Modern Woman, and many others would take the place of a term I found perfectly fine. And I actually began to question if these words held a stigma I was previously unaware of, if they were comparable to swear words or to slurs. But then I realized that slurs originated with the full intent of minimizing and dehumanizing a person while Lady and Gentleman originated with the intent of elevating a person, to show them respect.

And then I realized it. The problem is not the words, but the insecurities of these readers and the judgmental attitude towards anyone not like them. Within their closed-mindedness, they are assigning a negative value simply because they aren’t willing to follow the path of a Lady or of a Gentleman. The fact that I, and so many others do, makes their own self-doubt even more evident and transparent within their eyes, so they attack, as if such an attack would cause their own issues to fade away.

I try to avoid telling people how to walk the path, as each person should decide for themselves how to walk the path. My purpose is simply to make you think, as you have to walk your own path, the one that is best suited for each of you. But what I will not allow is someone’s small mindedness limit the path that I, and so many like me, want to walk. Always remember that equality is not based on sameness, but in respecting, accepting, and appreciating the differences between us.