Learning To Do Good Things From Bad People.

I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.

Khalil Gibran

There is a social side effect of surrounding yourself with the right people; you end up surrounded with the right kind of people. This isn’t always a good thing. I know that comment makes little sense when taken alone, but I promise I’ll explain in a second.

When we start looking to change, to evolve, like-minded people will gravitate towards you. After a while, you will notice how much your world has changed for the better. And often it changes so much that you might forget why this change was necessary, why you started down this path. You might even start taking for granted all you have grown and how much society has grown, as you become comfortable with where you are.

Then you see some idiot shows you just how messed up the world still is.

It might be something that popped up in the news, some post in your social media, or even some comment made by a random person. At this point you will wonder where the hell this person came from since, within YOUR world, this kind of mentality is so uncommon. That’s the problem… within your world.

As you surround yourself with the right people, you tend to forget that the wrong people are still out there. All too often we assume that our work is mostly done simply because we no longer have a front row seat to the disasters that humans so often are. These people and these events come into our lives to keep us from forgetting the good fight. I am not saying that we should be grateful for these kinds of events, but that we should never forget that they still happen, even if they become fewer within our lives.

So, no matter how well you are doing, still go out into the world to do good. There is plenty of good that still needs to be done. Don’t make your world so small that only those who think like you live there, but keep it large enough to still see those you don’t want to see. And never forget why you started down the path.

Never Let The White Knight Die

Since it is so likely that children will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage.

C.S. Lewis

A couple of days ago, I came across a news article about how a group of boys proved that being an honorable man is not always a matter of age, but one of choice. These three teens, members of the school basketball team, stopped a game to confront someone bulling a member of their cheer-leading squad, a girl with Down syndrome. From there, the story just becomes truly inspiring, a perfect example of becoming a White Knight. Interestingly enough, the school’s mascot IS a Knight.

Stories like these are really not that rare, men standing up to do the right thing, no matter the cost or the risk to themselves. From a 90 year old veteran willing to go to jail for providing meals to the homeless, the store clerk who was fired for stepping in to help a woman who was being attacked, to 3 young men who died in the Colorado Shooting while shielding their girlfriends from the bullets. All of these are inspiring stories about men stepping up and doing what’s right, no matter the risk. They are also sad stories as in many cases these men pay the price of their good actions.

In the old days, the White Knight would step in and do what’s right. (We also hear the term Knight in Shining Armor. This isn’t talking about a Knight whose armor isn’t battle worn. Shining, Silver, Argent, and White were interchangeable terms referring to honor, purity, and virtue, hence Knight in Shining Armour.) They didn’t do it for glory or gain, as both pursuits were viewed as vile desires. As the days of the knights faded, the term was used to describe anyone who champions a righteous cause, a passionate advocate. (In the business world, a white knight is a company that saves a business from being bought out in a hostile takeover.)

Today? The “Internet White Knight” is used as a pejorative term to describe guys who “rushes in to save a damsel in distress expecting some kind of a romantic reward in return.” This meaning was actually assigned by “guy” sites and forums as a way to shame any man for not following the “guy code” of devaluing women. It became a way to shame men into not standing up against others within the group. The modern idea that chivalry is bad came from the same sites that promote debasing women. Let that sink in for a second.

Gentlemen, you have to understand that every time you do what’s right, you are showing the world what has to be done. Your good deed exposes other people’s indifference. And that bothers them. So instead of stepping up, they will try to knock you down because it’s easier. The world isn’t a nice place when indifference, shaming, selfishness can run rampant yet charity and good will are punished. This isn’t something new, as it has always been this way.

That is why a good man HAS to be a Warrior. He has to be willing to walk the path that isn’t easy. Nobody is born a warrior, as nobody is born without fear. Anyone can choose to be one a warrior, as anyone can choose to stand up in spite of their fear. You choose it when you refuse to stay seated. You choose it when you refuse to back down. You choose it when you stand up when knocked down. You choose it because if not you, who? 

 

The Pride That Kills

Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need.

Khalil Gibran

Gentlemen, today I want to talk to you about a very serious topic. I know you are good men at heart. You are self-sacrificing and always go that extra mile to help others. You try your best to lend that helping hand those in need require so they don’t go under. You are that smile that brightens someone’s day, that shoulder to cry on, that support someone needs when their world is crashing down, and that shield standing between yours and the slings and arrows of a horrible world. And this is something to be proud of, being that warrior who stands strong so others don’t have to.

That’s exactly where the danger lies for most Gentlemen.

Too often we define our lives on how strong we are; defining ourselves by our role as a protector to those around us. And this is a noble endeavor. But all too often, some of us are left with little meaning to our lives, as our role in service to others is no longer needed, or when we they can’t carry this burden any longer because we are no longer capable to do so physically or mentally. In other cases, it’s just that we have carried the burden for too long and it’s weight has broken our backs.

For those readers unaware, the suicide rate among men is about 4 times higher than among women, where the largest group isn’t the angst ridden teen, but rather men between 45 to 64 years old. After cancer and heart disease, suicide accounts for as the top cause of death for men, and in some, and in some countries like Australia and the UK, has actually surpassed them. Right now suicide, not war, is the principal cause of death among our military members.

But why bring this up when speaking of Chivalry and Gentlemanly acts? Haven’t most gentlemen proven their temper and tolerance time and time again in life? Haven’t they stood up against the worst of life and come out victorious? The true sign of a gentleman is not about showing off his victories, but overcoming battles that nobody will ever find out about. And as noble as this ideal is, it comes at a price.

What about those hidden battles we lose? What do we do when the warrior we were is no longer needed? What do we do when we can no longer stand as a barrier against the world for physically or mentally reasons? What then? We have taken pride in standing against the Abyss, but what do we do when WE are the ones in danger of falling in? Having courage to fight the evils outside is based on being strong, but to facing the evils inside is based on being able to admit, specially to yourself, that you can be weak.

That isn’t easy.

Gentlemen, there is no shame is asking for help, in acknowledging when you’ve reached your breaking point. Sometimes you just need someone to throw you a rope, so you can pull yourself up to shore. Other times you might need someone to actually help you out of the water before you drown. And there is no shame in either, as it might be your turn to need saving. When you are able to accept this, you can move on to other roles of life, able to redefine yourself, and, more importantly, able to save yourself.

PS.

If you need to find someone to throw you a life line, the following are numbers you can call in complete confidentiality to help you out. 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (US)

1 (800) 273-8255 

Samaritans (UK)

08457 90 90 90 * 

Lifeline (Australia)

13 11 14

Beware of Being Wrong When You’re Being Right.

Arrogance on the part of the meritorious is even more offensive to us than the arrogance of those without merit: for merit itself is offensive.

Friedrich Nietzsche

There is a sense of fulfillment that comes from making a stand, from challenging injustice, from fighting for what you believe in. Being right empowers you to be more as it give you the confidence to confront those who are wrong. And if the general attitude of most people is to be believed, it gives you a license to be an asshole and people seem to like being assholes.

Take a moment to consider the cynical pleasure some people get from saying “I told you so.” You could actually assume that they WANT you to fail, just to be able to do that. Yet these same people don’t understand why, when they are right and are offering good advice, others don’t pay attention or simply refuse to take this advice. Some actually get offended by the other person’s dismissal. So when the time comes around that they were right, they gloat and brag.

This is a horrible downward spiral based on vanity, ego, and a terrible attitude of superiority. Realize that if you start your advice tied to a sense of “I’m right, you’re wrong” you have no intention of helping the person. All you want to do is fill your ego, prove your superiority. That’s why you get offended when the person prefers to ignore your recommendations. That’s why you get that perverted pleasure of seeing them fail, that’s when you show how shallow you are as you voice the “I told you so.”

Worse yet, by telling them “I told you so,” you actually keep them from learning from their mistakes. If we grow from our mistakes, you want them to think how their mistake was not doing it your way. You are feeding your insecurities, your vanity, and your ego with someone else’s misery. Again, you’re just being a bad person.

If your intent is to actually help the person, help them. Don’t tell them how to do it, tell them how you did it when it was your turn. Tell them why you did it that way, and let them make their own choices. As I have said so often, nobody has a monopoly on the truth.

The reality is that they might actually figure out a better way. Maybe they got it wrong, but they will learn from their mistakes, and grow from them. Learn to offer your hand, not your judgments, to those who have fallen. They are already being critical of their own failure. What they need is someone to help them rise up, not someone who kicks them while they are down.