Scripted Accidents

Life's like a play: it's not the length, but the excellence of the acting that matters.

Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Some time ago, I mentioned the importance of Social Skills in today’s society. I also mentioned how we at Being Caballero would post articles focusing on ‘tricks’ and ‘hacks’ to help out in developing your own Social Skills. If I am completely honest, I haven’t posted these kinds of articles as much as I might have wanted; something I plan to remedy this week. In an old post, I made a comparison between casual conversation and martial art forms, but now that I reread it, I think it needs to be expanded to include actual strategies. For that reason, today I want to talk to you about the art of Scripting.

What is Scripting?

Before you start mentioning coding, scripting is the ability to have a series of comments or answers pre-rehearsed or ‘programed’ into your everyday behavior. O.K., it’s sort of like coding. We all have these pre-programed comments and responses, no matter who you are. It’s that automatic “good morning” or “hello” you say without thinking or that unconscious smile you share back when someone smiles at you. If you still don’t believe that everyone does it without thinking, just think about the typical answer most people give a doctor when he asks how they are. First they say “Fine, thank you” and THEN they proceed to say everything that’s wrong.

So what if we could maximize our own ability to script conversation or the other person’s automatic response to these scripts? To do this you have to take into account two elements; the situation that prompts the comment and the comment itself. This means you need to have a specific situation happen to be able to fire the appropriate script. Also, the more detailed the script, the more it looks scripted and doesn’t allow for an actual interaction.

It might sound dumb at first, but proper scripting involves practice; that means repetition. Start with your everyday events. Say ‘Good morning’ every time you step into a room or an elevator. Flash a smile for added charm and to lower people’s resistance to interaction. Say ‘Have a good day’ as you leave. Notice that the comment is the Script (comment) and the action is the Trigger (moment when action is done). But other than your typical events, could this be taken further? Of course, you just have to create your own Accidents. (moment)

We’ve all heard of conversation starters, some curious item with a story behind it. And if there is one thing that you can always count on is human curiosity. Maybe you have a distinctive ring or an interesting pin. Everything in life has an interesting story behind it, so learn to be a story teller. Instead of getting another BIC® lighter, carry something more distinctive. Instead of reading a book off a nondescript tablet, read a book with a cover. Set up the Hook so the other person can pull the Trigger. Just don’t make the script to long or dramatic. A simple comment, a conversation starter, works best here.

For lack of an interesting item to serve as a Hook, you can simply create the Accidents out of thin air to provide the proper Trigger, although these require a bit more moxie. The first is a Drop-In, something the other person has or is doing that allows you to comment, giving the other person the opportunity to go into their own Script. Maybe they have an interesting Hook themselves, like an unusual necklace for example. The other accident, and the one that requires a lot more observation on your part, or at least luck, is the Affinity, having something in common. It can be something as fortunate as realizing that you both are reading the same book to something as simple as a “It’s finally Friday” comment spoken out loud.

Keep in mind that scripting only works well when it’s a short natural element within a conversation, and you genuinely express yourself in the comment. When done too long, it becomes a monologue. When done without a degree of honesty, it becomes a lie. These serve only as an opening gambit, the key to unlocking the first stage of the play that is any social interaction.

Killing Selfishness with Social Skills

A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That's why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet.

Truman Capote

I want you to consider something for a second. At this very moment, we are having a conversation. Seriously, we are; me as the poster and you as a reader. As soon as you walk away from this post and walk along your everyday life, you are having a conversation with every single person in the street, with every person who can see your social media, with every person in the world. And this is happening every second of every day. Your world is the result of how the world reacts to you.

Kind of makes you feel small and important, all at the same time.

To understand this concept, let’s start by understanding what a conversation is. A conversation isn’t one person saying something that another person hears. A conversation is a message that one person sends and is individually filtered by the other person. This means that whatever you say is not only dependent on you saying it but on what the other person understands. A conversation is never about “I” but about “Us.” Success and failure, understanding and misunderstanding are shared responsibilities!

This means that to properly convey a message, you have to understand how to make your message clear. You want to be treated seriously? Be serious. You want to be treated with respect? Be respectable. You want to be understood? Be clear. Always be clear. When people confuse on who you are and what you are telling them; ask yourself what message you are sending out.

Also remember that what people hear is filtered by their own preconceptions and predisposition. That means you have to understand the recipient and tailor your message accordingly. Does this mean you have to behave differently depending on the person you are with? Yes. Before you get all judgmental with me, consider how you speak with those who know you for a long time and those you just met.

The end message is a shared responsibility, one shared by the person giving the message and the person filtering the message. It also means that you can’t place the full blame on someone’s comments or reaction as they are based on the message you sent out. It also means that you have to view a person’s comments and reactions based on who they come from.

When you understand that how people treat you is usually a reaction to your actions and attitude, to how you dress and present yourself to the world, you stop assuming both a selfish and a victim attitude. You start taking accountability for every word and every action you take. You also understand that you have a choice on how you react to the comments of others, basically taking away their power over you.

When you understand the concept of conversation, you understand how truly responsible you are for the world you create for yourself and how much of this world is a result of the world you share with those around you. 

Learn To Cut The Red Wire

Explain your anger, don’t express it, and you will immediately open the door to solutions instead of arguments.

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One of the biggest challenges when dealing with social interaction is when we place the need to be right and be heard over the need of doing right and hearing others. We, unconsciously, train ourselves to win arguments and assume that we are right. We tend to assume that any criticism is an attack on a personal level so we react by taking a defensive attitude, sometimes even going so far as to go on the offensive against the person who made the criticism. A larger problem arises when we realize we “might” be wrong, yet by this time we have dug ourselves so far down the hole, we don’t know how to get out.

With all our defense mechanisms we have developed to protect our ego, we forgot to develop the tools necessary to understand those with a different opinion than ours, we forgot that empathy to the pain and frustration of others is something you must develop. More so, we are never really taught the tools to properly express said empathy and interest in understanding. The closest we learn is to say “let’s agree to disagree.” To be honest, that phrase can be translated to “I don’t really care what you think and I’m tired of trying to make you realize I’m right.”

Our discussions shouldn’t be about expressing our anger and frustrations. They should be about explaining our anger and frustrations. The first one promotes the problem and is used to attack someone. The other is looking for understanding and for a solution. The other person might be hurt and is simply trying to find some retribution, even if it’s not the proper way to go about it. Keep in mind that you are just as responsible as the other person if the situation escalates. If anything, it’s your responsibility to deflate the issue, from an argument into a discussion. With that being said, how can you turn a situation from the first to the latter when you are at the receiving end of the debate?

The first thing is you must keep your own temper in check. Meeting anger with anger is like trying to extinguish a fire with gasoline. Be mindful of your own tone and volume, as these usually say more about a person’s intentions than the actual words they use. But what can you say to start creating a conversation where people can actually be understood. Well, let’s start with that.

“I may be misunderstanding…”

Start with the possibility that you don’t really understand what the problem is. It might even be that the person doesn’t quite understand the problem themselves. This forces the person to explain what is bothering them, rather than express the fact that they are bothered.

“How does that look to you?”

Often arguments are a result, not of a difference in opinions, but a difference in perspective. What you view in one way, the other person might view it in a different light. You are simply asking them to explain. It’s easier to understand something when you understand where the other person’s coming from.”

“I understand…”

Believe it or not, “I’m sorry” isn’t the most effective defuser of a situation, this is. “I understand” means you, well, understand. It means you actually place yourself in the other person’s shoes. Just avoid, AT ALL COSTS, to add the “but.” “I understand, but …” means you are planning to pretty much ignore the other person’s opinion.

“I’ve noticed…”

Defusing a situation isn’t just about one person calming down another, but about creating a conversation where both are part of the solution. This allows you to explain your point of view without making it into some kind of attack. It forces the other person to look at your perspective, but keep in mind this only works if the person has seen you are willing to do the same.

“Let me show you…”

Many times those who are angry don’t really want to see any other point of view or any other reality other than their own. This isn’t about showing how the other person is wrong and you are right, but about showing the person where you are coming from, what your perspective is.

“What alternative do you suggest?”

Here’s a tricky one. When genuinely done, this is about valuing the other person’s opinion and input. When spited out just to get it out of the way, this is pretty much along the same line as the empty “I’m sorry,” a condescending way to say “shut up already.”

“How can we work together to make this work?”

All too often, arguments are about one person telling the other to fix something without both taking some kind of responsibility for the solution. This forces both parties to actually work together for an inclusive solution.

“Let’s talk about what IS working.”

This might seem like you are redirecting the conversation to avoid the topic. This only works AFTER you have set the ground work for a proactive conversation. When you understand what works and why it does, this can be extrapolated to deal with what doesn’t work. It also turns the mode of the conversation into one where positive solutions are more possible instead of dragging on all the things that make a solution impossible.