Nothing Is As Impressive As The Man Who Believes In Himself.

With confidence, you have won before you have started.

Marcus Garvey

As someone who has spoken and writes about relationships, about men, and about women; there are several questions that I am constantly asked.

Why are women attracted to bad boys?

Why do guys go after the models?

What is the most attractive quality a woman/man can have?

Is having a likeable personality as important as good looks or having money?

Is it true that women want a guy who can make them laugh?

And the list goes on. Most of these questions are based on a social bias or personal experience the person making the question has. And I have given somewhat vague answers at one time or another. I say “vague” because I am a firm believer that if you can’t offer a simple explanation, you don’t really understand the topic. So after some thought and discussion with other like-minded gentlemen and ladies, I have reached that simple answer I was looking for.

Non-Apologetic Confidence!

It’s not having a likeable personality, or being funny, or being bad, or working as a model, or having a lot of money. Let me first clarify a few of these misconceptions. “Likeable” is pretty subjective. What one person finds likeable, another can find as irritating. Being funny? Last I checked stand-up comedian or clown was never listed among the sexiest professions a man can have. And the kind of partner who might find you attractive because of your money is exactly the kind of partner you want to avoid.

But what about models and bad boys? You haven’t mentioned them yet.

The one thing that models (not the Instagram kind) and bad boys have in common is that aura of self-confidence, the “I am who I am, and I don’t care what you think.” These people are defined by themselves, and not under the idea that they must conform to other people’s standards, they are who they are and aren’t ashamed of it. They actually revel in who they are, enjoying it without need to excuse themselves. The image of confidence is the world’s greatest aphrodisiac.

Sure, women are attracted to the bad boy because he provides a sense of danger and makes them feel rebellious, especially if the lady in question has led a rather safe (restrictive) life. The reality is it’s his confidence. The bad boy isn’t necessarily bad, but rather proud of his rebellious attitude, unwilling to water themselves down to make weaker people comfortable. There is also the motherly sense of “I can fix him”, but that is material for another article.

Men, on the other side, are attracted to models, not because they just stand there and look pretty, like so many women might assume. What they find attractive is that confidence to walk (or stand) with such confidence that they are unfazed by the staring glances and comments of others. They will wear those heals, sway those hips, and stand proud, unashamed but rather empowered by themselves.

Do understand that in both cases, this is the image projected. The bad boy might be an abusive asshole who will never change or the model might be an insecure emotional disaster. But the image they exude, the aura around them, is one of absolute power brought about by their apparent confidence.

Am I promoting faking confidence? I am not above advising to “fake it till you make it.”

I do recommend working on your confidence. Hold your head high, and walk like you own the world. If you make a mistake, learn from it. But NEVER put yourself down. You will have plenty of people willing to do that for you.

Believe in yourself. Believe that there is nothing you can’t do. Smile just enough to let the world know you “got this.” Gaze intense enough to let the world know you won’t back down. And NEVER EVER apologize for being YOU!

Understanding My Femininity Doesn’t Take Away From My Masculinity

 The heart of a human being is no different from the soul of heaven and earth. In your practice always keep in your thoughts the interaction of heaven and earth, water and fire, yin and yang.

Morihei Ueshiba

We are constantly told what to think and how to act by society, as it imposes “traditional” ideas. Even when we confront them, we are in a way recognizing and validating these ideas as “traditions” that must be challenged. Yet, what happens when we realize that what we believe are “traditional” ideals are really modern concepts and inventions with no real practical application. We are then free from even accepting them.

We see this constant reinforcement of how men must be masculine and must shy away from anything that could be considered effeminate, in the same way that women are bombarded by ideals of femininity and must avoid acting in a way that could be considered “butch.” We are also told that these are the traditional gender roles, roles that must be challenged if we want to achieve gender equality by removing gender ideals.

But what if I told you that the actual traditional ideal is that everyone has a masculine and feminine aspect to them, irrelevant to their biological sex.

Yes, I am going to give you today a short history and philosophy class. The term feminine and masculine, just as manhood and womanhood didn’t even exist in western culture till the late 14^th century. Before that, people where simply defined by their role within a society. Yes, there was a distinction between men and women, but mostly defined by the idea that women procreated and men defended. This becomes rather important in a society when half of the population of the known world just got wiped out by plague and war.

It wasn’t till mid-20^th century that the idea of men being exclusively masculine and women being exclusively feminine came about. Before that, all men and women where considered to poses both, masculine and feminine aspects. It was actually promoted to find a personal balance between these two sides within a person. The most evident and obvious example of this ideal is within the notions of Yin and Yang.

Yin & Yang describes how apparent opposite forces are actually complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in both nature and man. They give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another in their duality, be it light and dark, fire and water, or simply male and female. We have to note that neither is viewed as good and the other as bad, but simply two sides of the same coin.

Yin and Yang are thought as complementary, rather than opposing, forces in a dynamic universe in which the whole is greater than the parts. Everything and everyone has both Yin and Yang aspects:

Yin being negative, passive, and the feminine principals of nature, represented by the moon.

Yang being the positive, active, and the masculine principals of nature, represented by the sun.

(Note that negative and positive in this context have nothing to do with good or bad.)

This duality and balance between the masculine and feminine aspects of a person was actually something sought out and promoted… till someone thought it a good idea to create even a greater rift between men and women around the 1950’s.

Does that mean that women and men were equal before this time? No, and that is the reason why we fight so hard to promote gender equality. But gender equality, or any equality should never be about sameness.

What this means is how if we are able to understand that we all have a feminine and a masculine side, maybe we would be a lot more open minded to the idea of empathizing with each other, and we could actually be able to break down the barriers between the genders. Maybe men could actually realize that they can understand women, and women could actually realize that they can understand men. 

Never Be Ashamed Of Looking Your Best.

Elegance is not standing out, but being remembered.

–Giorgio Armani-

(Note: With everything going on right now, I have chosen to hold off on making a post about the current situation. I want some time to better see how the events unfold before making an emotional reaction.)

For some strange reason, especially in this “Look at me” society, people are really self-conscious about actually making an effort to look good. You will find endless posts and articles openly mocking women who use make up or accuse men who follow fashion as being narcissists. Anyone who dares mention they do exercise to look better will have a lynch mob of online protesters lined up with chants of body “shaming.”

And then we complain how people don’t know how to properly dress for a news conference. Every single message they receive is about NOT caring for your image. And this goes as far as making it something bad to do so.

When did caring about how you look become a bad thing?

I have always been in awe of a woman empowered by their femininity, a woman proud of being a woman. The confidence she exudes proves that the greatest accessory is confidence. When I mentioned this to a fellow writer who helps women overcome their own self-conscious limitations, she mentioned how often women felt the same way about men.

Yes, men have that same power. And this should not have surprised me, but there is a constant message to men that a man shouldn’t want to look good, that this is an act of vanity or narcissism, or worse yet, that this is something only women should do. Since when did caring about yourself and how you present yourself to the world become un-manly?

It’s not. It’s about caring enough about yourself to want to look your best.

Yet I see men constantly avoiding this subconsciously. They have no problem with being loud, but actually calling attention to themselves for making an effort to look good? That’s when they get stage fright.

People have no problem showing off how smart they are. They have no issue with oversharing their skills. They feel pride over their artistic endeavors. So why should they be ashamed of making an effort to present themselves well? There is no shame to wanting to look good. There should be no shame looking at yourself in the mirror and liking what you see. Isn’t that an important part of self-confidence? It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin. It’s important to have enough confidence you don’t mind the extra attention.

Sharing A Vision

Knowledge gains value when shared.

Being Caballero

I have noticed how some people hold their cards close to their chest. They guard the knowledge they have acquired zealously as they fear their advantage will diminish if they lose their “upper hand.” And I can respect that. I don’t agree, but I can respect that.

I don’t agree because I believe that your value as a person only increases as you help others grow and the value of knowledge and wisdom happens only after they have been tested and questioned by others. Knowledge and Wisdom untested and unquestioned is nothing more than an opinion. A man unwilling to help others grow…is not much of a man.

In a way, that is where this blog and my contributions to other sites came about. It’s not the same thing to believe something than to actually write it up for others to judge and comment. It’s not the same thing to have ideals if you are not willing to consider you might be wrong, or how you could refine and develop them. And most importantly, having this knowledge is useless if you are unwilling to share it with others, as they are able to consider how your ideals might help them develop themselves.

So with that in mind, and after being encouraged by other like-minded individuals, I have actually picked up again the book project. I have yet to give a big push to find a Literary Agent or Publisher, as I want to first have a finished project and give it a test run. Just so you have a better idea what I am currently planning, Cammino (“Path”, “Journey”, or simply “I walk” in Italian) is currently a 250 page (80K words) manual. It will be broken down into 3 sections; Introduction to what Gentleman means, Self-development and Rebuilding/Rebirth, and Social Interaction/Social Responsibility. Still not sure if these will be sold individually or as a whole. Some of it is expanding on previously published articles and others are completely new essays. My current plan is to start with a digital distribution, and see where it goes from there.

I know I mention how you gain value from helping others, and I feel this will provide me the opportunity to help, not only those who read it, but others as well. My intent is part of the profits to help out several charities and the rest to develop my own social development projects. Life has given me enough to know I owe it back.