Social Skills =Survival Skills

No one would talk much in society if they knew how often they misunderstood others.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

We try to prepare our boys the best we can, as we teach them how to deal with the different challenges they will face in life. Before we place them behind the wheel of a car, we teach them about safety and about driving rules and etiquette. Before we take them out into the boonies, we teach them basic survival skills. Even as they head off to college, they are required to take an intro class to college life. We don’t just drop them off expecting them to simply “figure it out as they go along.” That would be really irresponsible on our end as we are basically setting them up to fail. 

So, if we do this for most of their lives, why don’t we do the same with something as critical to everyday life as social interaction and social living? We cast them off into the world expecting them to survive unscathed a world of social nuances. We then spend years wondering why they became introverts, or develop social anxieties, or anti-social behavior, or why something as simple as how to express themselves and understand the needs of others becomes so difficult for them.

Keep in mind that I am not blaming any of society’s ills on bad parenting, as bad kids can come from good parents just as often as good kids come from bad parents. Also, with the available resources within today’s hyper-connected society, anyone can learn what they need or want from anywhere. A man should understand that if he has to deal within an environment; wouldn’t it be in his best interest to have the proper tools and skills to thrive within that environment?

Just consider the world we live in today, where your life and your behavior are pretty much in constant public display. Consider the amount of dysfunctional relationships and the amount of people who live in a constant state of social aggression. How much of our problems are simply that people are incapable of expressing themselves in a way others can understand? How much of our problems are simply that we are unable to understand the needs of others? How much of our problems are that we simply don’t know how to react or behave within a given situation? How many of our anxieties, our frustrations, and even our violent reactions are directly related to these issues?

We want to assume we know what we are doing in most social interactions as a way to keep up the illusion of knowledge, to others and to ourselves. As a defense mechanism we either shut out those who get too close or infer that the problem lies in the other person to avoid confronting our own shortcomings, as we assume that social skills should be simple. We want to think that talking to each other or expressing ourselves is an instinctive ability.

It’s not instinctive at all. Social skills are just as much a learned skill as riding a bike. If anything, social skills are learned to subdue and discipline our instinctive “fight/flight” reaction in many situations. We need to understand how important these skills are to teach and to learn. Only then can we avoid assuming cheating ourselves from them or picking them up only for questionable reasons.

Take the time to learn, starting by assuming you need to learn. Sometimes it’s good to assume you don’t know what you’re doing. It’s easier to realize you were right all along than to admit you were wrong. Learn to listen to others, especially when its things we don’t want to hear.  Learn to talk about yourself without bragging, but without selling yourself short. Learn that everyone is different and you can learn from everyone, no matter how much you might disagree with them. Learn that being social is both, about being sympathetic as it is standing up for yourself. Empower yourself by defining your boundaries and empower others by opening up those same boundaries.

Chivalry Is A Man’s Recognition Of His Privileges

Some say that the age of chivalry is past, that the spirit of romance is dead. The age of chivalry is never past, so long as there is a wrong left unredressed on earth.

Charles Kingsley (1819-1875)

Some time ago I posted an article where I mentioned how “few words create such a vivid, complex, controversial, and individualized interpretation within the English language as Gentleman. Although Chivalry isn’t far behind.” At that time, I focused on the universal archetype of the Gentleman, leaving to deal with Chivalry on a later date.

Guess what? It’s a later date.

Many people dismiss (or rather would like to dismiss) chivalry as a concept whose time has passed. “I treat everyone equally” or “it’s about being civil” or the ever present “I respect everyone” are used over and over as an apparent dismissal of the need for Chivalry. Others have called Chivalry as a form of “benevolent sexism” citing the fact that gentlemen tend to offer ladies a higher level of respect in actions than they do other men. This would be true if it had anything to do with what chivalry actually is and the obligations it imposes on a gentleman.

I used the word obligations with full intent of the word. Since the days of the Knight and the Samurai and the Junzi, the chivalrous had moral obligations due to his privileged position within society. They understood the blessings they possessed, and also understood that these blessings came with a series of duties. This attitude carried on to the gentlemen of old and carries on to the modern gentlemen. The problem today is how men refuse to acknowledge their social obligations as they refuse to acknowledge the privileges within their lives.

Your age gives you the privilege of experience. This means you have the duty of mentorship. Your youth gives you the privilege of strength. This means you have an obligation to protect those you can. Up to now, this is pretty easy to understand by everyone. But it’s when you move to recognizing some touchy subjects that people tend to ignore their privileges within the world. Here’s where most tend to falter within their duties and obligations as they refuse to see the inequalities within the world and how they are benefited from these social injustices.

Your social standings and financial security, however earned, mean you are privileged to a better life. This means you have a duty to lead a charitable life helping those less fortunate. Your gender as a man means you don’t have to deal with some of the sexism and threats women deal with every day from men who openly attack them simply for being a woman. This means you have a duty to, at the very least make their everyday a little better as you understand the burdens of being a woman within today’s society. Remember that “benevolent sexism” comment? As a gentleman, you are more of a feminist than most guys who simply believe in treating women as equals. But as I have said before, not everyone understands chivalry.

Phrases like “I treat everyone equally” simply mean you refuse to accept the privileges you possess. This, if anything, means you are doing the very least to lead a civil life while enjoying how life handed you a better hand. You refuse to acknowledge how your social standing benefits you, how your race benefits you, how your sexual orientation benefits you, or how your gender benefits you.

It isn’t that you are better than anyone, but that you understand that your life has provided you with certain benefits and blessings, irrelevant of how they happened. Chivalry is an act of social equity where you recognize your privileges and work to help those around you. This is why, even though a gentleman might be well off, he is able to remain humble. You recognize every privilege given to you by life and understand how others are not as fortunate. You understand that something as simple as being able to help others, even if it’s as simple as making their lives a little more comfortable, means you are obligated to do so.

That is why a gentleman holds himself to such high standards. With all your blessings and good fortune, your life must be one of service to others. Be honored that within your belief you carry the traditions and attitude of those who came before you; the Knights, the Samurai, and the Junzi.

Is Chivalry dead? Not as long as Gentlemen live with a Warrior’s hearts.

Never Let The White Knight Die

Since it is so likely that children will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage.

C.S. Lewis

A couple of days ago, I came across a news article about how a group of boys proved that being an honorable man is not always a matter of age, but one of choice. These three teens, members of the school basketball team, stopped a game to confront someone bulling a member of their cheer-leading squad, a girl with Down syndrome. From there, the story just becomes truly inspiring, a perfect example of becoming a White Knight. Interestingly enough, the school’s mascot IS a Knight.

Stories like these are really not that rare, men standing up to do the right thing, no matter the cost or the risk to themselves. From a 90 year old veteran willing to go to jail for providing meals to the homeless, the store clerk who was fired for stepping in to help a woman who was being attacked, to 3 young men who died in the Colorado Shooting while shielding their girlfriends from the bullets. All of these are inspiring stories about men stepping up and doing what’s right, no matter the risk. They are also sad stories as in many cases these men pay the price of their good actions.

In the old days, the White Knight would step in and do what’s right. (We also hear the term Knight in Shining Armor. This isn’t talking about a Knight whose armor isn’t battle worn. Shining, Silver, Argent, and White were interchangeable terms referring to honor, purity, and virtue, hence Knight in Shining Armour.) They didn’t do it for glory or gain, as both pursuits were viewed as vile desires. As the days of the knights faded, the term was used to describe anyone who champions a righteous cause, a passionate advocate. (In the business world, a white knight is a company that saves a business from being bought out in a hostile takeover.)

Today? The “Internet White Knight” is used as a pejorative term to describe guys who “rushes in to save a damsel in distress expecting some kind of a romantic reward in return.” This meaning was actually assigned by “guy” sites and forums as a way to shame any man for not following the “guy code” of devaluing women. It became a way to shame men into not standing up against others within the group. The modern idea that chivalry is bad came from the same sites that promote debasing women. Let that sink in for a second.

Gentlemen, you have to understand that every time you do what’s right, you are showing the world what has to be done. Your good deed exposes other people’s indifference. And that bothers them. So instead of stepping up, they will try to knock you down because it’s easier. The world isn’t a nice place when indifference, shaming, selfishness can run rampant yet charity and good will are punished. This isn’t something new, as it has always been this way.

That is why a good man HAS to be a Warrior. He has to be willing to walk the path that isn’t easy. Nobody is born a warrior, as nobody is born without fear. Anyone can choose to be one a warrior, as anyone can choose to stand up in spite of their fear. You choose it when you refuse to stay seated. You choose it when you refuse to back down. You choose it when you stand up when knocked down. You choose it because if not you, who? 

 

How To Become A Noble Man:

There are complete men and incomplete men. If you would be a complete man, put all of your soul's strength into all of your life's actions.

Eugenio Maria de Hostos

I once asked my grandfather how I could become a Caballero. He looked at me, somewhat amused at the question. He took a sip of his coffee and told me another story.

Do you know what's hell? Hell is the day you meet the man you could have become and then look into a mirror and see the man you actually became.

Many people will over complicate who they are simply to excuse not being more. They will complain that they don’t have the time to spend with their kids, yet have no problem making time to watch the ball game. They will complain how eating healthy is expensive, yet have no problem spending almost $10 in a Mocha Latte Triple Macchiato. They will complain how they wished they could be more romantic with their partner, yet spend their nights playing Call of Duty.

This is especially true within the “Social Justice Circle” as they will create morally acceptable excuses to do little while at the same time get a cheerleading section to back up their apathy. “I don’t dress up because I am my own man and magazines can’t tell me how to look.” “I am beautiful just as I am, so I’m planning to let myself go to a point that, even though I might be disgusting, I’m still beautiful.” “I swear like a trucker and treat others like shit because you can’t judge me.” “How dare you (work out/dress up/actually educate yourself enough on a topic to question my opinion). You’re the problem, not me!”

Personally, I am too tired to fight that fight, calling out all the bullshit excuses people use to actually do little for themselves. Because the reality is, it’s not that complicated to become a better man, or a better person. It’s not easy, but it’s not that complicated.

Start by defining who you want to be, what makes a better man in your eyes. Look at those around you, what do they do that inspires you? Do you want to be more dependable? More romantic? More honorable? Throw into the mix anything and everything you think makes a better man, a better you.

You know what you just did? You just created your own role model. In a society where role models are few and far between, having your own in your back pocket is more than just a social hack, it’s a survival tool.

Now for the hard part. Become that man. This takes work, self-sacrifice, and determination. It takes throwing away the ability to make excuses for your own behavior. You want to be more educated? Force yourself to study. You want to be more skilled at something? Force yourself to practice. You want to be there for those who you care about? STOP MAKING BULLSHIT EXCUSES AS TO WHY YOU'RE NOT THERE!

But here’s a little trick. Role play that man you want to become. Act out the qualities he has while you grow. Use him as a shell, as a suit that still fits to big, one that you will grow into. In simpler terms. Fake it till you make it.

After a while you will notice that the suit seems to shrink and fit better. The reality is that it’s not the mold that shrinks, but that you grow. And after a while you won’t need the mold any more as you became the man you wanted to become.

It might not be easy, but it’s really that simple.