The Simple Art Of Being Charming

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.

Oscar Wilde

As we begin to break down some of the aspects of social skills, I thought it appropriate to start with one of the most sought after, disdained, and misunderstood skill any man can have: How to be Charming.

Disney has spent decades reinforced a cult to Prince Charming, and as a result, society has created a counter culture of mistrusting any man who tries to be Charming. But what is a Charming man? Is he the sought after man, the center of attention? Is he the goal that every man should become or the prize every woman (or man, depending on your orientation) wants to be?

Or is he the unrealistic goal, set only to further confuse people about what to be or what to search out?

The reality is that you should be yourself first. Charming should simply be a complement to who you are. We have been trained to look at the negativity of everything, using it as a way to feel better about ourselves. But within this negative oriented society, charming becomes a breath of fresh air, a glass of water in a desert of destructive criticism and people more willing to complain than to help.  Because that’s the secret behind Charming. Charming isn’t about attracting attention to yourself, but giving positive attention to the other person. THAT’s what makes charming people popular. Who wouldn’t want to be with someone who brightens your day?

It’s not that they are some kind of comedic clown or even a brown-noser, but a Charming Man will bring an unconscious smile to everyone around them. They will shine a spotlight on the positive side of any situation or lighten the mood of any dreary day. They come in as a ray of sunshine in a cloudy day, giving you the sun’s warmth when you need it.

That sounds pretty poetic, but how do you become that kind of man?

You start by projecting a positive vibe. The easiest way to do this is to let people know you are happy to see them. Make them understand how you recognize and validate their presence. How? Actually look at them and hint a smile. (An artful smile is the most powerful tool anyone can have. I can’t emphasis this enough.) This will make the person feel that their presence made your day, causing them to smile too. Getting someone to smile lightens their mood without them realizing it. Follow up by making “person specific” comments. People don’t expect others to them as individuals, so making this kind of comment will let them know YOU are actually paying attention. Then ask about them to talk about themselves. Listen and give positive feedback.

Nothing makes a person happier than realizing their existence is appreciated. It’s that simple!

The irony of being charming is that by paying attention to others and making other’s lives a little less dreary, people will seek out for you. And that’s what makes a person fear someone who is charming. He makes them realize just how important it is to be appreciated. In a world so focused on “Me” or on how the universe makes “Me” miserable, who wouldn’t want to have someone around that make life worth enjoying and brings a smile to “Me.”

Social Skills =Survival Skills

No one would talk much in society if they knew how often they misunderstood others.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

We try to prepare our boys the best we can, as we teach them how to deal with the different challenges they will face in life. Before we place them behind the wheel of a car, we teach them about safety and about driving rules and etiquette. Before we take them out into the boonies, we teach them basic survival skills. Even as they head off to college, they are required to take an intro class to college life. We don’t just drop them off expecting them to simply “figure it out as they go along.” That would be really irresponsible on our end as we are basically setting them up to fail. 

So, if we do this for most of their lives, why don’t we do the same with something as critical to everyday life as social interaction and social living? We cast them off into the world expecting them to survive unscathed a world of social nuances. We then spend years wondering why they became introverts, or develop social anxieties, or anti-social behavior, or why something as simple as how to express themselves and understand the needs of others becomes so difficult for them.

Keep in mind that I am not blaming any of society’s ills on bad parenting, as bad kids can come from good parents just as often as good kids come from bad parents. Also, with the available resources within today’s hyper-connected society, anyone can learn what they need or want from anywhere. A man should understand that if he has to deal within an environment; wouldn’t it be in his best interest to have the proper tools and skills to thrive within that environment?

Just consider the world we live in today, where your life and your behavior are pretty much in constant public display. Consider the amount of dysfunctional relationships and the amount of people who live in a constant state of social aggression. How much of our problems are simply that people are incapable of expressing themselves in a way others can understand? How much of our problems are simply that we are unable to understand the needs of others? How much of our problems are that we simply don’t know how to react or behave within a given situation? How many of our anxieties, our frustrations, and even our violent reactions are directly related to these issues?

We want to assume we know what we are doing in most social interactions as a way to keep up the illusion of knowledge, to others and to ourselves. As a defense mechanism we either shut out those who get too close or infer that the problem lies in the other person to avoid confronting our own shortcomings, as we assume that social skills should be simple. We want to think that talking to each other or expressing ourselves is an instinctive ability.

It’s not instinctive at all. Social skills are just as much a learned skill as riding a bike. If anything, social skills are learned to subdue and discipline our instinctive “fight/flight” reaction in many situations. We need to understand how important these skills are to teach and to learn. Only then can we avoid assuming cheating ourselves from them or picking them up only for questionable reasons.

Take the time to learn, starting by assuming you need to learn. Sometimes it’s good to assume you don’t know what you’re doing. It’s easier to realize you were right all along than to admit you were wrong. Learn to listen to others, especially when its things we don’t want to hear.  Learn to talk about yourself without bragging, but without selling yourself short. Learn that everyone is different and you can learn from everyone, no matter how much you might disagree with them. Learn that being social is both, about being sympathetic as it is standing up for yourself. Empower yourself by defining your boundaries and empower others by opening up those same boundaries.

Single Gentlemen’s Act Of Guerrilla Valentine

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Phyllis Diller

My post goes out to the young Gents, especially to those single who have no specific person on whom to focus their intent or attentions this coming Saturday, you know, Valentine’s Day. When you have someone special in your life, or at least someone you’re interested in, this day has a specific meaning. But what about those who don’t have anyone at the moment? For you I offer Guerilla Valentine.

Let me make one thing emphatically clear, there is nothing wrong with being single. You don’t need anyone to complete your life, so please avoid “hooking” up with the wrong someone just to avoid spending Valentine’s alone.

During my first year at college, I decided to buy a dozen flowers and hand them out to random ladies in the campus. I will admit that my intention was more along the lines of meeting women than brightening their day. But that year I noticed how the simple surprise of receiving a detail meant so much, especially when the ladies were not expecting anything that day.

The next year, a few of my friends joined me to go out and “Guerrilla Valentine.” We called it like that as it was similar to Guerrilla Warfare, where a small band of soldiers could overcome a larger force thanks to surprise. We did add a couple of simple rules. You would start early in the day, before most Valentine Givers were handing out their gifts, this way the first gift a woman would get was our flower. We would go up to a random woman, hand her a flower, wish her a Happy Valentine’s, and then WALK AWAY. This last step was crucial. This wasn’t about hitting on women, but about spreading as many smiles as possible. That year, three of us gave about 6 dozen flowers.

By the third year, we were about 5 guys and about 12 dozen flowers. By now we had enough flowers that we started handing them out to guys, teachers, and had enough to hand out during our commute home.

Some men assume that Valentine’s Day is a day to show off your skill with a credit card. And to be honest, some women want that. These are exactly the women you want to avoid. Valentine’s is about giving a small detail, a surprise, an instant of affection, to the person close to you. It’s about giving a person a reason to smile, even if you don’t know the person.

So, Gentlemen, if you have nothing planned this week, go out and surprise the hell out of anyone out there. Make it random and make it special. Give people a reason to smile. I can guarantee that if their morning starts out that well, their mood will last the rest of the day.