How To Fake Being A Gentleman

Fake it till you make it.

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I know I have always mentioned the idea that Gentlemanly behavior isn’t something you should fake. Either you try to walk the path or you don’t. Faking it means you are lying about who you are and your intentions are probably not that honorable. You will probably end up being one of those guys who tend to give gentlemen a bad name as you are probably doing it for the wrong reasons. But a post I found online got me thinking that I should reconsider my views.

Buzzfeed posted an article about 15 Tips That Will Trick Your House Guests Into Thinking You Have Your Shit Together. It was basically how to make people think you, well, have “your shit together” based on how you decorate your apartment. At face value, you might think this article is about how to lie to your guests, but when you think about it, it starts teaching you what it means to have your shit together, makes you realize how people react to having your shit together, and sets up the foundation to getting your shit together. Without you realizing it, you’re actually on your way to having your shit together!

Can this strategy be used for other things in life? Of course! The best way to fake knowing about art is to actually start reading up on art. The best way to fake being a musician is to learn about music. The old adage of “fake it till you make it” is truer than most people think. Just make sure that “faking it” is just a step in the path of “making it.” With that in mind, how do you set out to fake being a gentleman?

Look The Part

First off, you have to look the part. I’m not talking about going out and spending a mortgage payment on a suit. I’m taking about putting away those stained sweat pants, ripped jeans, satirical graphic tee, worn out sneakers, trucker cap, etc. You get the picture. Dress to impress, to how you want to be treated, to be taken seriously… Again, you get the picture. Replace your gym sneakers with some leather dress shoes, or at least some casual dress shoes. Find a nice looking watch (nothing say’s grown ass man like a nice looking watch) and wallet. Wear ironed out clothing (nothing says you don’t care about yourself like wrinkled clothing).

Before I forget, GROOMING AND HYGEINE!!! Grooming is basically the same thing as shine is for shoes and ironing is for clothing, it shoes how much you care about yourself. You don’t have to go for the typical clean cut, short hair, clean shaved. What you do need is a general look that you don’t suffer from any mayor aversion to bathing and barber shops. What you do want is well-trimmed hair (if you still have it) and facial hair (if you can grow it), clean nails, and a nice odor. Pick some kind of slight aftershave or perfume, but avoid overdoing it, as assaulting someone’s senses with in bad taste, be it with stench or perfume.

Act The Part

Manners, gentlemen. MANNERS! This isn’t about knowing every single rule within the overly elaborate Gentleman’s code of etiquette. It’s about showing people you can behave with civility and that you care enough about them to treat them with respect.

Sure, some cultures might consider farting, burping, and slurping a complement to the chef. Last time I checked, this wasn’t one of those countries. Acting in public just takes simple common sense, so going into detail here would be a waste of space and word count. Now, gentlemanly details like opening doors for others, standing up when greeting someone, tipping your hat, all of this is also basic knowledge. Just be careful not to overdo it. Fake it enough to make it look natural, who knows. Someday it might become natural.

Speak The Part

Here’s a simple trick that will help you out when you are speaking as a gentleman, the ultimate language cheat, the only trick you will need to know… “Think about what you are going to say before saying it.” Impressive, isn’t it? Take the time to think about what you say and how it will be taken. Oh, here’s another one… “Let the other person speak and make them feel like you are paying attention to their words.” I’m full of wisdom today, right? Oh… and I have one more… “use proper grammar.” Nothing will invalidate whatever you say as improper language use. Gentlemen, it’s not that hard. Take care how you use your words and pay attention to the words of others.

Live The Part

Here’s the challenging part… you have to lead a life as interesting as your Facebook profile. This means you have to lead a life worth leading, or at the very least have plans to lead a live worth leading. Have big plans, live with passion, do more than simply exist. Realize that Carpe Diem can excuse almost any dumb decision as long as it produces a memorable story. (Note to reader… NEVER USE YOLO. Use Carpe Diem. Google the difference.)

In closing I want to make two thing clear. First, if you are faking being a gentleman, you probably have no idea what you are doing and why. When asked or challenged about your behavior, if you don’t understand why you’re doing it, you will probably end up putting your foot in your mouth. For that reason, I would recommend you to not explain it. Say you’re a gentleman because “your mother taught you how to behave and to respect others.” Anyone who sets out to questions what “your mother” taught you is simply looking to condemn your actions, no matter what.

Second and a lot more important still… NONE OF THIS MAKES YOU A GENTLEMAN. You are playing off other people’s prejudice and preconception. You are manipulating them as much as they are being judgmental of you. Sure, start off working the “gentleman gimmick” till you realize that faking it can only carry you so far, and that the real worth of a gentleman isn’t in the suit he wears or the shoes he has or even the ties he owns. A real gentleman is defined by his character and the respect he shows to those around him.

Chivalry: Is it Classist or Elitist?

A noble man compares and estimates himself by an idea which is higher than himself; and a mean man, by one lower than himself. The one produces aspiration; the other ambition, which is the way in which a vulgar man aspires.

Marcus Aurelius

With this post we end this Chivalry centric week which, to my surprise and enjoyment, has had some rather positive reactions. (Note to self, make more themed week posts) For closing, I thought it might be a good thing to touch on a topic that is often related in a negative aspect with chivalry. That is the immediate social relation between chivalry, classism, and elitism.

Let me start by saying the following, they are right… up to a point. Chivalry originated as a code of ethics for members of the Warrior class or the Nobility. Keep in mind how the world worked back then, your life was pretty much determined by the social class you were born into. If you were born to artisan parents, you pretty much were going to be an artisan. If your parents were from the Warrior Class, you were going to be a warrior. You pretty much followed in your father’s footsteps…even if you didn’t want to. It’s not like you had much of a choice. So, if you followed chivalry back then, it was basically because you were born to the Warrior elite or the Nobility and chivalry was pretty much thrusted on you.

As society advanced and it’s rigid black and white class system started to take shades of grey, we see the ideas of chivalry seep into all social classes as a way for men to better themselves. The philosophy of the “lord’s son” was now something that any man could use to mold his life. As travel and education became more and more accessible, some men would no longer let their birth limit what they could achieve, so they expected more from themselves in all aspects of their lives.

Thus we have the ideal of the well rounded man, the superior man, as something any man could aspire. And that created an elitist mentality, a mentality where men chose to become elite. You see, greatness isn’t something that choses you. You CHOSE to be great; you CHOSE to be the kind of man others can look up to. The lonely people who see this kind of elitism as a bad thing are those men who pray to the cult of averageness and condemn excellence.

As for classism? Base and honorless men can be found anywhere, as can Virtuous men; from the executive suite to sleeping in the streets. Financial success doesn’t make you a devil, just as financial challenges make you a saint. Last I checked virtues, character, respect, and determination don’t come with a monetary price tag on them.

You chose the kind of man you are, and expecting more from yourself isn’t a bad thing. My advice to you? As cliché as it might sound; always chose to be better a better man than the man you were yesterday. 

Next To The Gentleman-Warrior Stood ... The Lady-Warrior

Don’t look for a Princess in need of saving.

Search for a Queen willing to fight by your side.

Being Caballero

As I continue with my research on how the Warrior-Scholar archetype that later evolved into the concept of the Gentleman, I have come across a rather interesting bit of knowledge I thought I should share. When we think about the warrior class of ancient times, we have visions of sword wielding men who defined themselves by a strict code of conduct, the proto-gentlemen. Yet within all of the available information that speaks of the Gentlemen-Warriors, individual warrior women kept popping up, as heroes and exemplary warriors of their times. These Ladies became regional heroes who fought with or lead armies into battle, not as companions to men, but as their equal. With the cultural idea that it was the men who went into battle while the women stayed home, were these women the exception to the rule?

The reality is that women like Boudicca, Mulan, Rani of Jhansi, and Joan of Arc weren’t the exception. They were the norm! But why do we have the image of the Gentleman-Warrior and not the Lady-Warrior? As 19^th century British archeologists and historians set out to write their version of history books, they applied the Victorian ideals of women belonging to the home and men being out in public into these books. This lead to a revisionist version of our history.

If you have any doubts of the validity of the Lady-Warrior, just consider the following. The Greek deities of hunt and of military strategy were both female (Artemis and Athena respectively). The Roman Legionaries didn't pray to Mars, the god of war. Instead they maintained a cult to Disciplina, goddess of education, strategy, and self-restraint. Almost every culture is filled with warrior goddesses, such as Andraste of the Celts, Menhit of the Egyptians, Menrva of the Etruscans, and many more. So with so many goddesses attached to strategy, discipline, honor, and the battle field, how is it possible for there to be no women warriors?

Because there WERE women warriors, ladies of war just as honorable and as passionate as the men they fought with side by side! Recent archeological investigations have found that among the Viking burial grounds, about half of the warriors found were women. This meant that the legends of the Valkyries and Shield Maidens held facts previously dismissed as myths. (This also challenges the idea of Vikings going on rape rampages as a consequence, but that's another story all together.) Similar evidence was found among the burial grounds of Spartan Women, as weapons were also found next to their bodies. Even the legends of the Amazon have had their mythic standing questioned as evidence has lead archielogists to believed them to be warrior who had women among their ranks, originating from the Steppes outside of Pokrovka. 

Within the Bushi class of Japan, there was the Onna-Bugeisha, or what is popularly called women samurai. Their skill with the Naginata was just as legendary as their male counterpart’s skill with the Katana, and just as skilled with the Yumi, the bow. In Europe, the term Dame was actually the female version of Sir, when refering to female Knights. Yes, there were ladies among the Knights of Old, women who followed the same Code of Chivalry that the men did. These Ladies would serve within the same Orders as the men or serve within Orders made up exclusively of women.

These are just a few of the warrior women I have come across, as the list would be too great to include in a single post. The reality is that assuming that during challenging times, women would shelter in place and just watch the men take charge is absurd and pretty small-minded view of the world. Women make up half of humanity and are equal to men in every way, so why would you think it be any different in case of the Warrior Virtues?

PS. If you have any doubt of how fierce a warrior a woman can be, cross one at your own risk.

Never Let The White Knight Die

Since it is so likely that children will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage.

C.S. Lewis

A couple of days ago, I came across a news article about how a group of boys proved that being an honorable man is not always a matter of age, but one of choice. These three teens, members of the school basketball team, stopped a game to confront someone bulling a member of their cheer-leading squad, a girl with Down syndrome. From there, the story just becomes truly inspiring, a perfect example of becoming a White Knight. Interestingly enough, the school’s mascot IS a Knight.

Stories like these are really not that rare, men standing up to do the right thing, no matter the cost or the risk to themselves. From a 90 year old veteran willing to go to jail for providing meals to the homeless, the store clerk who was fired for stepping in to help a woman who was being attacked, to 3 young men who died in the Colorado Shooting while shielding their girlfriends from the bullets. All of these are inspiring stories about men stepping up and doing what’s right, no matter the risk. They are also sad stories as in many cases these men pay the price of their good actions.

In the old days, the White Knight would step in and do what’s right. (We also hear the term Knight in Shining Armor. This isn’t talking about a Knight whose armor isn’t battle worn. Shining, Silver, Argent, and White were interchangeable terms referring to honor, purity, and virtue, hence Knight in Shining Armour.) They didn’t do it for glory or gain, as both pursuits were viewed as vile desires. As the days of the knights faded, the term was used to describe anyone who champions a righteous cause, a passionate advocate. (In the business world, a white knight is a company that saves a business from being bought out in a hostile takeover.)

Today? The “Internet White Knight” is used as a pejorative term to describe guys who “rushes in to save a damsel in distress expecting some kind of a romantic reward in return.” This meaning was actually assigned by “guy” sites and forums as a way to shame any man for not following the “guy code” of devaluing women. It became a way to shame men into not standing up against others within the group. The modern idea that chivalry is bad came from the same sites that promote debasing women. Let that sink in for a second.

Gentlemen, you have to understand that every time you do what’s right, you are showing the world what has to be done. Your good deed exposes other people’s indifference. And that bothers them. So instead of stepping up, they will try to knock you down because it’s easier. The world isn’t a nice place when indifference, shaming, selfishness can run rampant yet charity and good will are punished. This isn’t something new, as it has always been this way.

That is why a good man HAS to be a Warrior. He has to be willing to walk the path that isn’t easy. Nobody is born a warrior, as nobody is born without fear. Anyone can choose to be one a warrior, as anyone can choose to stand up in spite of their fear. You choose it when you refuse to stay seated. You choose it when you refuse to back down. You choose it when you stand up when knocked down. You choose it because if not you, who?