Casually a Gentleman

The biggest criminals wear ties, not tattoos.

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If you’ve been reading these posts for a while, you will have noticed how the concept of the gentlemen and chivalry are under constant evolution based on how society evolves. Back in the day, education and manners was a way to show your social standing, to set yourself apart from the lower classes, and a suit was a way to carry your standing without saying a word. Today, that’s not always true as we live in a society where sometimes suits carry a stigma of arrogance and greed. On the flip side of that coin, you find ideals and morals of chivalry alive and well living within those who would never be caught dead in a suit.

Let me start by saying that I like to suit up. There is a certain power that comes with a suit, a certain social respectability. It carries the traditions of the old school gentleman as back in the day, the suit represented a status symbol, and it made it clear to the world that “you have your shit together.” I also understand how suits also carry a message of power and authority, and have used them plenty of times just for that reason. This means that there are times when wearing a suit might not be to my best interest. Sometimes being approachable and kind to others can actually be hindered by wearing a suit.

Sometimes a simple shirt and jeans let you do more as a gentleman than a suit. And that’s why we need to extend the image of the gentleman past the suit.

It used to be that a suit helped you to stand out from the “undesirables.” Today, we live in a more casual society where successful men prove they have their “shit together” by not needing a suit to prove it. Sometimes you would want to avoid the traditional suit to actually stand out from the real “undesirables.” I’m in no way telling you to ditch the suit. What I AM saying is that a suit should never become a regulation uniform for your life. The important thing is to look presentable and dress appropriately for the situation.

Find your own style and your own look. Within these parameters, mess around and play around with different levels of presentability. Just remember, your armour isn’t your suit, but your character. Just make sure that your appearance reflects your character.

How To Fake Being A Gentleman

Fake it till you make it.

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I know I have always mentioned the idea that Gentlemanly behavior isn’t something you should fake. Either you try to walk the path or you don’t. Faking it means you are lying about who you are and your intentions are probably not that honorable. You will probably end up being one of those guys who tend to give gentlemen a bad name as you are probably doing it for the wrong reasons. But a post I found online got me thinking that I should reconsider my views.

Buzzfeed posted an article about 15 Tips That Will Trick Your House Guests Into Thinking You Have Your Shit Together. It was basically how to make people think you, well, have “your shit together” based on how you decorate your apartment. At face value, you might think this article is about how to lie to your guests, but when you think about it, it starts teaching you what it means to have your shit together, makes you realize how people react to having your shit together, and sets up the foundation to getting your shit together. Without you realizing it, you’re actually on your way to having your shit together!

Can this strategy be used for other things in life? Of course! The best way to fake knowing about art is to actually start reading up on art. The best way to fake being a musician is to learn about music. The old adage of “fake it till you make it” is truer than most people think. Just make sure that “faking it” is just a step in the path of “making it.” With that in mind, how do you set out to fake being a gentleman?

Look The Part

First off, you have to look the part. I’m not talking about going out and spending a mortgage payment on a suit. I’m taking about putting away those stained sweat pants, ripped jeans, satirical graphic tee, worn out sneakers, trucker cap, etc. You get the picture. Dress to impress, to how you want to be treated, to be taken seriously… Again, you get the picture. Replace your gym sneakers with some leather dress shoes, or at least some casual dress shoes. Find a nice looking watch (nothing say’s grown ass man like a nice looking watch) and wallet. Wear ironed out clothing (nothing says you don’t care about yourself like wrinkled clothing).

Before I forget, GROOMING AND HYGEINE!!! Grooming is basically the same thing as shine is for shoes and ironing is for clothing, it shoes how much you care about yourself. You don’t have to go for the typical clean cut, short hair, clean shaved. What you do need is a general look that you don’t suffer from any mayor aversion to bathing and barber shops. What you do want is well-trimmed hair (if you still have it) and facial hair (if you can grow it), clean nails, and a nice odor. Pick some kind of slight aftershave or perfume, but avoid overdoing it, as assaulting someone’s senses with in bad taste, be it with stench or perfume.

Act The Part

Manners, gentlemen. MANNERS! This isn’t about knowing every single rule within the overly elaborate Gentleman’s code of etiquette. It’s about showing people you can behave with civility and that you care enough about them to treat them with respect.

Sure, some cultures might consider farting, burping, and slurping a complement to the chef. Last time I checked, this wasn’t one of those countries. Acting in public just takes simple common sense, so going into detail here would be a waste of space and word count. Now, gentlemanly details like opening doors for others, standing up when greeting someone, tipping your hat, all of this is also basic knowledge. Just be careful not to overdo it. Fake it enough to make it look natural, who knows. Someday it might become natural.

Speak The Part

Here’s a simple trick that will help you out when you are speaking as a gentleman, the ultimate language cheat, the only trick you will need to know… “Think about what you are going to say before saying it.” Impressive, isn’t it? Take the time to think about what you say and how it will be taken. Oh, here’s another one… “Let the other person speak and make them feel like you are paying attention to their words.” I’m full of wisdom today, right? Oh… and I have one more… “use proper grammar.” Nothing will invalidate whatever you say as improper language use. Gentlemen, it’s not that hard. Take care how you use your words and pay attention to the words of others.

Live The Part

Here’s the challenging part… you have to lead a life as interesting as your Facebook profile. This means you have to lead a life worth leading, or at the very least have plans to lead a live worth leading. Have big plans, live with passion, do more than simply exist. Realize that Carpe Diem can excuse almost any dumb decision as long as it produces a memorable story. (Note to reader… NEVER USE YOLO. Use Carpe Diem. Google the difference.)

In closing I want to make two thing clear. First, if you are faking being a gentleman, you probably have no idea what you are doing and why. When asked or challenged about your behavior, if you don’t understand why you’re doing it, you will probably end up putting your foot in your mouth. For that reason, I would recommend you to not explain it. Say you’re a gentleman because “your mother taught you how to behave and to respect others.” Anyone who sets out to questions what “your mother” taught you is simply looking to condemn your actions, no matter what.

Second and a lot more important still… NONE OF THIS MAKES YOU A GENTLEMAN. You are playing off other people’s prejudice and preconception. You are manipulating them as much as they are being judgmental of you. Sure, start off working the “gentleman gimmick” till you realize that faking it can only carry you so far, and that the real worth of a gentleman isn’t in the suit he wears or the shoes he has or even the ties he owns. A real gentleman is defined by his character and the respect he shows to those around him.

What Doesn’t Make A Gentleman (And Curiously A Lady As Well)

(Note: This is a two part article. It will deal with what doesn’t define a gentleman and what does. You can’t really discuss one without the other. Also I took the risk of dealing with the topic of ladies, as after presenting the idea to Ms. B, she realized how the elements discussed applied to both Gentlemen and Ladies. You will notice how this post is full of links. These are the individual posts where I have expanded on the topic in previous posts.)

There are complete men and incomplete men. If you would be a complete man, put all of your soul's strength into all of your life's actions.

Eugenio Maria de Hostos

A fellow Gentleman over on our FB page dropped a gauntlet at my feet, a challenge which I have avoided without realizing it. Tired of the constant criticism against masculinity in social media and the ridiculous portrayal of men in traditional media, he felt it would be an interesting challenge to propose:

Top 10 honorable good traditional traits of a Gentleman

Honestly, I agree with his assessment of men’s depiction in modern media. We have been bombarded by the idea that the sarcastic Man-Child is an acceptable attitude to have, something I wrote about here. We are told by other guys that the only way to be a man is to be a player, idea that I challenge as well. On the other end, there is a general idea that men should be shamed into action to deal with the worse among us, strategy that has only created a feeling that being a man is something shameful. This resent attitude has gotten to the point where I have refused to write for some sites any more.

The reality is the net if full of articles like that. Really, it is. Go ahead and google “how to be a gentleman” or “10 traits all gentlemen have” or any other combinations of similar buzz words. Just get ready to sit down with a dozen of different versions of the “How to be a Gentleman to get the Lady” trope. Even on sites that proposed the idea that your actions “define you as a Gentleman, not her as a Lady” still fall on the Gentleman + Lady Stereotype we have avoided here, and reason why I have yet to put out a “How to Gentleman” post.

Ironically, for every social issue that men face, women face the flip side of the same coin. While men act like boys, girls act like women. Just as men are told how masculinity and being a Gentleman is something to be shamed out of them, women are attacked in a similar manner as femininity is viewed as weakness and the women are shamed out of the any intention of becoming a Lady.

A man’s interest of becoming a gentleman should never be dependent on a woman’s interest of becoming a Lady, nor the other way around. The reality is that a person’s interest into bettering themselves is not dependent on anything other than wanting to be one.

But before we can start to define what traits define a gentleman (or a lady for that manner) I think we should start by clearing the air of all the things that DON’T define a gentleman. There are way too many preconceptions carried by both words. Although this will be written from a gentleman’s perspective, understand that all of these apply to ladies as well.

Religious Denomination, Nationality, Race, or Ethnicity (or lack-off any of them)

This one is pretty simple, and can be inferred by this. Even though historically speaking, gentlemen had direct ties based on loyalty to their specific country, god, or king; almost every single country, society, and religion had their version of gentlemen (or similar archetypes) present. An English Gentleman is no more a gentleman than a Caballero. A Mensch is no more a Gentleman than a Junzi.  You use your ideals and beliefs to define the kind of gentleman you are. Others do the same with different ideals and beliefs. No one ideal has the right to trump another. No one nation should be held with more pride than another. No one race or ethnicity should be viewed as better than another. In the global world we live in, understanding this is critical.

Clothing

Whenever we think of gentlemen, you think of men in suits. I admit I have recommended the idea of the suit and the idea of being well groomed. Here’s the thing, wearing suit doesn’t make you any more of a Gentleman than a holding a weapon makes you into a warrior. Unfortunately, all too often people assume it does in both cases. The main idea isn’t the suit, but to respect yourself to care for yourself and how you present yourself to the world.

The reality is that if you don’t like to dress up, that doesn’t make you any less of a Gentleman. What makes you a Gentleman is how you refuse to make excuses for not dressing up. You understand and accept the reality that how you present yourself will define how others view you. You don’t need to justify who you are if you are proud of who you are. Consider that sometimes having a certain image is something that works for you and to what you do.

Social Standing

Way to often people assume that gentlemen are well off. How else are you going to afford all those suits, right? (Please read the Clothing entry again if you don’t get it.) I have dealt with well-off men who are Gentlemen. I have also dealt with well-off men who are anything but. The same I can say for men not as well off.

I have seen homeless men do acts of chivalry and hold themselves with honor and dignity, in spite of their situation. I have also seen rich men treat with more dignity and respect someone living in the street as someone living in a penthouse. I have seen the opposite on both situations as well. Your social standing neither makes you a villain nor a hero; neither makes you noble nor dishonorable. Who YOU are does.

History

All too often people think their past condemns their future. It does if you let it. The reality is you determine the man you are now, by the actions you take now. Sure, you might not have done the most honorable things in your youth, or lead the most saintly life. But as Oscar Wilde said, “all saints have a past and all sinners have a future.”

Never think you don’t deserve to be a gentleman just because of the guy you used to be. That’s actually the entire slogan of this site. Some of the most honorable men I have met started in the most dishonest lives.

Sexual Orientation (and maybe even gender?)

This has got to be one of my biggest pet peeves, as I’ve mentioned before. “Guys act like gentlemen to impress women.” What if the guy in question has no interest in the woman? Again, who he loves or doesn’t, who he dates or doesn’t, or who he marries or doesn’t, has no bearing in his actions as a Gentleman.

I will admit, my posts are written from a straight man’s perspective; I fully support equality of all kinds and will challenge any kind of bigotry and hatred. Take a moment and consider the following. If a gentleman is defined by his dedication to his character, if he is honest with himself and others, why would he hide who he is? Coming out to an unsupportive society and family takes a lot more cojones than most straight guys have.

And on the topic of cojones, I have met women who carry themselves with more gentlemanly dignity than a lot of the men out there, just as I have met men who carry themselves with more ladylike elegance than many women out there. Don’t assume you’re a gentleman or a lady just because of your genitals.

Different roads, same path.

When everything is said and done, a gentleman can’t be defined by things he either has no control over, his environment, or simply the superficial shell around him. If that were so, only those born within a very unique situation could be gentlemen, and we know that’s not true. A gentleman can be anyone, just as long as he works on what truly matters, and what truly matters are all things he can control.

But that will be the next installment.

A Prince, Even If Others Want To Make You A Pauper

Being well dressed can improve our self-confidence and what we wear affects how we are perceived by others. Therefore, wearing appropriate clothes, for example, a formal suit for an interview, builds our confidence and can make us appear more serious, conscientious and respectful.

Dr Carolyn Mair

Today I want to touch a subject that most Gentlemen sites and self-empowerment groups tend to look over, if not outright ignore, the fact that not everyone is well-off enough to live the supposed lifestyle what society thinks a Gentleman has. It’s really easy to spout off advice like “Dress for the Career you want, not the job you have” when you don’t have to choose between buying a suit and paying rent.

Not everyone starts well off, and not everyone who is well off stay there. We all fall and fall into hardships and some start life in that hardship. Hearing someone tell you to simply dust yourself off, suit up, and get back on the horse is pretty hard when you don’t own a suit and had to sell the horse for food.

Be it that you’re starting off with limited resources, be it that you got fired and can’t find a job, be it that your divorce went worse than you expected. The reasons as to why you will fall into hardship are endless as there are men, so demonizing them just shows your true colors as a human being. So instead of simply making assumptions as to why you are better than those who were handed a bad hand, let’s talk about ways you could offer them a better hand.

Before you start complaining and judging (see my comment about ‘true colors’ in the paragraph above) I am not talking about handouts. I am talking about providing the proper tools so a man can stand on his own two feet. The reality is that the first step to being respectable is looking respectable.

We may have seen that image of drycleaners willing to clean a suit for free for those unemployed heading to a job interview. This is commendable and those doing this prove what being a good man really is… So when I learned that some organizations took this a step further, I was in absolute awe.

I have learned (and started to get in contact) with several charities in different countries that provide suits to qualified job trained men entering the workforce and young men attending formal affairs. These organizations understand fully well that stepping into a new suit or outfit not only changes the way others see you, but also changes the way you see yourself, and want to empower men to be a better version of themselves. Keep in mind that these are only some of the organizations I have found, and would love if you know of any others, to let me know.

 

That Suits You (New York)

TSY works with men who are looking to get back into the workforce, but unfortunately lack the means or resources to obtain the clothing required to make a good impression. We assist them in acquiring the suits, shoes, accessories, etc. that they require.

Suited & Booted (London)

Public agencies refer vulnerable, unemployed and low-income men to us, and we help them get into employment by providing suitable interview clothing donated by companies and professionals. We also offer our clients interview advice and mentoring.

Career Gear (New York, Baltimore, DC, Houston, Jersey City, Miami)

Career Gear provides professional clothing, mentoring, and life-skills to help men in poverty become stronger contributors to their families and communities.

So, next time you consider updating your closet and getting rid of some of your old suits, consider donating them. They might help someone else as much as they helped you.