When Labels Becomes More Important Than Causes…

There is a war between the rich and poor,

a war between the man and the woman.

There is a war between the ones who say there is a war

and the ones who say there isn't.

“There is a War”, Leonard Cohen

Those that have read my articles or know my work have heard me say time and time again how I proudly call myself as a Feminist, a Feminist Advocate, or a Feminist Gentleman. In my youth I had strong female role models, women who taught me about dignity and empowerment. I learned from them to challenge a world willing to impose a role based on a socially imposed label, be it because of your gender, your race, your sexuality, your social standing, or your religion. They taught me that the greatest gift I could give anyone was dignity and respect. For those reasons I considered myself a Feminist. And for those same reasons I find it hard to use that label any more.

My problem here is not that I no longer believe in the lessons I learned as a child, or that I no longer believe in gender equality, but quite the contrary. Writing and working in favor of gender equality has actually opened my eyes to the extent of the inequality our society has to deal with. Before I began, I had only a basic idea of just how unfair the world was towards women. And if I am completely honest, I never really took into account just how unfair the world was towards men.

In my eyes back then, objectification, sexism, domestic violence, and sexual assault were things women had to deal with because of men. If we created better men, the problem would be solved. Yes, I took a side in a battle against prejudice and gender inequality. Yet, the more I thought and discussed with others about women’s inequality the more I realized how men also suffered from the social double standards, just in a different way. I also started to realize how women’s inequality was also directly tied to men’s inequality. I realized that the problem isn’t men nor is it women, but the lines drawn in the sand between the different camps of the gender debate.

Imagine my surprise when I realized this idea was nothing new, as many men and women, a lot more versed in the topic, had come to the same conclusion. The great Gloria Steinem, during a speech a few years ago, mentioned how we need to stop the idea of sorting each other by gender and skin color. She went further in supporting how we need to fight, not only for women, but for men as well. “Women are not going to be equal outside the home until men are equal in it.” More recently, Emma Watson’s UN speech spoke more of a movement of inclusion, where men and women worked together to achieve a greater good. Yet when you see the actual application of the UN resolution, it was a completely different story.

Today we have most people involved in the debate banding together under the label of feminist or anti-feminist, Feminist advocate/ally or Men’s Rights Activists. And THAT is the great challenge here. As many of the leaders go and give a message of unity and hope, there is a small band of extremely vocal and aggressive members within the different camps that promote and thrive on conflict and shaming. It’s these members who have caused most of the stereotyping and divide within the gender issues. Depending on what side of the debate you are, you will routinely view one group with pride and the other with disgust thanks to these extremist. They reinforce the labels, using them as a reason to attack someone, as shields to ignore criticism, and battle standards held high in the field of battle, more important than the cause they fight for.

And that is where I have drawn my own line in the sand. I am no longer willing to accept that gender equality, or any other equality issue for that matter, should be a movement based on conflict between those involved. I refuse to participate in an extremist-manufactured war based on semantic short-cuts that only work to stall the real conversations about pay parity, healthcare, and childcare. Doing so only keeps us from address the real underlying, practical inequalities that are strangling our society. I refuse to recognize a hierarchy of suffering, where victims are used for a pissing contest between sides. I refuse to participate in the constant double-speak and double-standards used conveniently in the discussions of equality. And I refuse to allow myself to be dragged into the “your with me or against me” that so many of the extremist within the debate love to use to enforce support in their actions.

The greatest irony within the debate is that, after you remove all the labels and insults, the message within all the camps is the same, people asking for safety, respect, equality, and empowerment. None of these are finite resources; where you have to take it from one group to give it to another. In truth, we need to look past the mudslinging, the insults, and the shaming done by the worst elements within the debate and step out of our trenches. We need to turn the debate into a conversation.

The easiest cop-out to the label issue would be to simply view everyone as humans, and simply call yourself a Humanist. But this is denying what individual groups go through within society because of who they are, be it gender, race, sexuality, or religion. It’s easy to applauded equality when everyone is the same. We need to promote equality when everyone is different. We might all be human, but the inequalities dealt with by women are different than the inequalities dealt with by men. Because I see the parts of you, doesn’t mean I don’t see the human in you; just as because I see the human in you, doesn’t mean I don’t see the parts of you.

As for now, since I don’t call myself a Feminist and don’t quite fit within the label Humanist, what word do I use?

I have become quite fond of “Me.”

Questioning the Term Patriarch, Becoming a Don

I take some pride in... representing myself exactly how I would like to have my son remember me to his kids.

Robert Downey Jr.

Hopefully, we live in changing times, where our gender or race or ethnicity shouldn’t determine what opportunities, privileges, and limitations are imposed on us. So any social movement that challenges inequality and intolerance should be challenged and brought down. So why is it that every time I hear about bringing down the patriarchy, I end up with feeling angry, self-doubt, demeaned, and dehumanized? And till today I didn’t really understand why.

I know that you are probably thinking it’s just a guy being defensive based on cultural and social programing defending his position of privilege within a society. If you haven’t read any of my other comments on feminism and gender equality, that might be a simple quick assumption. I thought it stemmed from a feeling that the word Patriarchy placed the burden solely on men’s shoulders and it promoted division between men and women. In my eyes, blaming the current state of affairs on the patriarchy promoted the idea that gender inequality was caused exclusively by men, and men didn’t suffer within it. But after reading a post by fellow writer this morning I realized that my anger didn’t come from being a man, but from being a father.

Many people use the word Patriarchy to define a system where men hold power and women are largely excluded from it and repressed by it. This is probably the most acceptable definition within the debate. But for me, and apparently several others, that is not how I view the word Patriarchy. Sexism and gender inequality is real, but for many years Patriarchy held another meaning. It literally means ruling father, a government where leaders behaved like fathers to the people, and society becomes an extended family.

I had the blessing of growing up within a strong Patriarchy, but not the kind ranted against. I grew up in a Patriarchy that taught me respect, honor, and accountability to my family and my community. My Grandfather led his businesses, his community, and the family the same way, by example, expecting everyone to do their best, and offering compassion to those in need. In his eyes, everyone was equally deserving of respect, no matter what social position they held.

Don Edwin owned several businesses in the town, but his pride was his little Café/Bar, where he could sit down and talk with everyone. I saw him serve lunch to homeless man, offering him the same dignity as when he sat down for coffee with the town’s mayor. I saw him walk up to someone and discretely lend money because he found out they couldn’t pay their bills or so their kids could go off to college. I saw him give work to people ex-cons and ex-drug addicts, people no one else would hire. I saw him help a couple his waitresses get out of abusive relationships. In that coffee shop I saw more people helped and more charity than in any missionary service.

You would think that growing with such a man would have made my life easy. Not really. It meant I had really big shoes to fill. I was Don Edwin’s grandson, and that meant constantly needed to prove I was worthy of the position. That’s what so many men suffering from entitlement don’t get, you can’t inherit respect.

You might easily dismiss this view of Patriarchy as simply defined by being a leader. The reality is that leading this way involves love; to a family or community. It’s about treating those with respect, leading by example, and serving as support to those around you. It’s about striving to be wise enough, experienced enough, tempered enough, and compassionate enough that you earn people’s respect, becoming a role model for those around you. This kind of leader is slowly disappearing, as we struggle to find even a few proper male role models within society is so eager to question any man’s intentions and even capability as a human, simply because of his gender.

To this day I strive to become even half the man he was. And every day I pray when my time comes to take the mantle of Patriarch, I am able to fill those shoes.

The interesting twist to this story is that when my grandfather passed away, the position of authority fell upon my mother, Doña Edna. You know how you call a Patriarchy with a woman leading it? A Matriarchy.

She was just as impressive as her father. 

Men of Quality Don’t Fear Equality.

A man has two options in a relationship: Either stand up and be the man she needs or sit down, so she can see the man behind you.

-Unknown- (If anyone knows who it was, let me know to give proper credit.)

Gentlemen, today I am speaking directly to you. Usually I keep it rather generic and open to either gender of readership, even if I speak about Gentlemanly issues. But today I want to direct myself specifically to men. Because I want to talk to you on why you should neither fear Feminism nor be shamed by the Feminist into becoming an ally.

This weekend, two Vids were going around the internet. One was Emma Watson’s speech on Gender Equality for the UN’s HeForShe movement. The other was a PSA from It’s On Us, organization focused on people understanding how we are all responsible to stop sexual assault.

Unlike most write-ups you can stumble upon online about feminism or about sexual assault, neither of these were about shaming men on how women are treated. And this is important because in neither issue women are exclusively the victims and in neither issue men are exclusively the aggressors.

Gender inequality and it’s sutdle effects affect both women and men. Yes, feminism started as a woman’s movement (hence “Femin”ism) but in its current manifestation, it’s about Equality for BOTH genders, in rights and opportunities. As a gentleman, this should make perfect sense, as you understand the importance of offering respect to everyone, to understand that nobody is above anyone else.

Feminism isn’t about putting men down, or hating men or shaming them into submission. Feminism isn’t about women hating femininity or men hating masculinity. Feminism isn’t about removing Genders but about understanding how, even with our differences, we are equally capable and deserve equal respect.

The problem is that you will find wave after wave of men complaining how women use feminism to their convenience, as well as wave after wave of extremist feminist women trying to shame men into submission. And that’s where you treat the issue of feminism, just like you treat every other moral and social issue; YOUR actions should be a reflection of YOUR values.

You can’t condemn men based on the actions of some men; neither can you condemn feminism based on the actions of some feminist women. Both cases are a result of insecure people using an ethical issue in unethical ways.

So what do you do? Read, educate yourself, be critical of your beliefs. Understand that what you have been taught before might be wrong. Understand that what you are told now might also be wrong. Create your own opinion and avoid being a sheep. Do understand that everyone should be treated equally without removing what makes them different.

Below you will find both Vids I mentioned above. Please sign up with both organizations, as good causes need good men.