Create A Life...

Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, maybe you should set up a life you don’t need to escape from.

Seth Godin

We’ve all heard that old adage, “create a life you don’t need a vacation from”. From a theoretical point of view, this sounds like something so simple; it’s illogical not to do it. Yet from a practical perspective, this can be a challenge so overwhelmingly impossible that we end up living within a life we can barely stand, just holding it together till the weekend arrives. And as Monday roles along, we caffeinate ourselves enough to do it again.

Here’s a reality we sometimes don’t want to acknowledge. We chose this life. We chose it with every action and inaction we have taken, with everything we put up with and everything we avoid. Just think of how many times you have complained about your job, or your relationships, or yourself. Now consider just what real actions you’ve taken to change them, fix them, or better them. Wishful thinking doesn’t do much if it’s not followed up with actions.

Take a moment to define the world you want, the world you really want. I’m not talking about fantasizing about winning the lottery so you never have to work again or randomly meeting a CEO looking to hire you as his successor because he likes your “spunk” or a Victoria Secret’s model who just happens to fall madly in love with you for whatever reason some disconnected RomCom writer can come up with. I’m talking about defining what would be the world you want, based on who you are and who you can become.

Some of these things are simple changes you can start right away. Others are more complicated and require a greater effort. Just keep in mind that you can’t change anything unless you realize what you want. Hate your job? Unless you can figure out what job you won’t hate, changing it “just because” won’t solve anything. Figure out what kind of job you want and then get off your ass and work towards getting it. Want to live a more active lifestyle or have a better body? Get off your ass and start working out. Want to have a more active social life? Get off your ass and go out to meet more people. Want to have a more romantic relationship with your spouse? Get off your ass and do romantic things. It’s not about moving away from what you hate, but rather towards what you want. And it all starts by getting off your ass.

You have to understand who you are and who you want to be. Change your life to fit the man you are and want to be. This means working for the life you want for yourself. You can’t complain about your life if you are a willing participant of everything you hate about it.

Hold On To That Instant

I believe enlightenment or revelation comes in daily life. I look for joy, the peace of action. You need action.

Pablo Coelho

A long time ago, when I was in my early twenties, I went through a really bad break up. For what seemed an eternity to me, and probably even longer for my friends trying to cheer me up, life just seemed dull and meaningless. The guy known for his hopeless optimism and constant sarcastic humor was gone, replaced by an angst melodramatic shell of a person. That was till I was almost run over by a car.

Bare with me…I promise there’s a moral to the story.

As I was crossing a local street without taking the proper precautions, I ended up in the path of a minivan. A second of tire screeching turned into an overly concerned lady apologizing for almost hitting me. I told her not to worry, that everything was fine and I was fine. And I smiled that half cocked smile of the overly confident smart ass I was back then (and still am today).

And for an instant, I realized I WAS fine. Everything suddenly fell into place as for an instant the universe, or at least my universe, made sense. It was like if someone finally pulled the blinds and I could see all the things I was previously stumbling over within the darkness.

I would love to end this story with the notion that from that instant forth, I was blessed with endless enlightenment, but those would be lies. The reality is that from the moment it happened, that light, slowly without my notice, started to fade away as I fell into old habits and old patterns.

I’ve been visited by similar instances several other times in my life. The only difference is that now I know that they are fleeting. So what I have done is to learn from those insights, squeeze them dry of any and all self-realization, extend their revelations as long as possible, and create a mental map of where I am, for those times when I find myself lost in darkness.

We are all gifted with those instants within our lives, and it’s usually when we need them the most. It’s in those moments when you find yourself lost, when you simply resign to stumble across life, that we accidentally end up pulling down the blinds from the windows. Call it a moment of clarity, self-realization, or enlightenment from above speaking to you, it’s an instant that provides you the knowledge you need to get back up, take a deep breath, and keep walking forward. Embrace it, relish it, and learn from it, for in that instant you will realize that you ARE fine. And you’ll realize that you can again smile that cocky smile of the confident man you are.

It’s Called A Partnership For A Reason

A man with dreams needs a woman with vision.

Unknown

Back in college, during a lecture on how to manage Architectural Firms, one of my old mentors shared with us the secret to finding good business partners. Instead of gravitating to like-talented professionals, you should try to find your counterparts. If you’re good at designing, the others must be good at production. If you’re good at marketing, the others must be good in accounting. You might have the best product in the world, but without someone to sell it, it’s useless. You might have the best hustlers in the world, but without something to sell… you get the idea. When you understand how each person contributes to the partnership, you understand where you have duplicated efforts, what bases are left uncovered, and if you have expendable freeloaders. Only when you can cover all the bases between all the partners, can a business be stable and successful.

He concluded the lesson by emphasizing how this mentality goes into any partnerships, especially marriage.

We live in a society that promotes self-reliance and autonomy. We are grilled by life into avoiding at all cost relying on others; all thanks to failed group projects, bad roommate arrangements, and the ever constant posts about life’s “givers and takers” or about “reachers and settlers.” By the time when we’ve been properly indoctrinated into a self-sufficient mind set, we end up unable to understand why marriage is so difficult.

During that entire process of independence, we’re never taught to open up to others or to actually trust and depend on them. We are told that “love overcomes it all” as if love, a wonderfully ephemeral sentiment, was enough to overcome some very practical issues that happen within relationships.

Let me make something clear here. No matter how “complete” and well rounded you are, you have your strong points and your weaknesses. We want to believe that we’re so “complete” that sometimes being with someone with a different skill-set or a different mindset just exposes our shortcomings to ourselves, a mirror into our “weakness.” The insecurities then tend to flourish as we become defensive of our weak points or arrogant with our strengths.

You need to view your relationship like any partnership. You bring into the union your own personal weaknesses and strengths and hope they play well with those of the other person. It’s about moving past our inability to accept our short falls or dismissing our partner’s strengths. Instead, start looking at how you balance each other out and trust your partner to have your back, even if that means keeping you in check.

The dreamer needs the realist to ground him, while the realist needs the dreamer to fly. Maybe that successful person is constantly in business mode, yet what they need and crave in a life partner is a free spirit, someone that reminds them that life isn’t all work, that play is important. Maybe that “smart” person needs someone who reminds them that life can’t be overanalyzed, that some things simply are. Or that imaginative and creative person needs a pragmatic and logical partner, who can give them the necessary focus to fulfill their dreams.

It’s amusing how we are willing to understand this concept when we speak of businesses, as the social savvy marketer will partner up with the economy savvy number cruncher. Each realizes the strengths within their partner and weaknesses within themselves, so the power and command constantly shifts and flows between them depending of the situation and the needs. If this is so easy to understand as a concept when dealing with business partnerships, why is it such a hard concept to embrace when speaking of romantic partnerships?

We don’t need someone to complete who we are within a relationship. We need someone to complete the relationship based on who we are. We need a partner who can pick up the slack left by our own weaknesses, helping us to excel in our strengths. We need a partner, who can see what we can’t see, who can give a different perspective than the one we have. And we need to trust this person to hold their end of the bargain and that is willing to let us do the same for them.

Be Wary of Sheep in Wolf's Clothing

In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all be a sheep oneself.

Albert Einstein

We've all heard the old adage, "Be wary of sheep in wolf's clothing." If for some reason you haven't, it's a biblical warning about people hiding their true nature. "Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves." (Matthew 7:15) It's used to describe those playing a role contrary to their real character, one who hides how dangerous they truly are and how they work off other people’s trusting nature, leading them to a certain demise. Today our challenge seems to be quite the opposite, as we praise the wolf and disdain the sheep.

We, in our ego driven need to stand out, try our best to not become sheep. Society tells us that, in order to be successful, we need to become wolves, so we are fed motivational meme after meme relating to the badassery of the noble wolves and wolf packs. Maybe this has been an indirect result of "gritty is cool" or "idealism is for kids," yet the direct result is how people are flocking to become pseudo-rebels who "challenge the establishment." These men and women model themselves to fit the expectations of the crowd as they regurgitate what that same crowd fed them in the first place. We used to see it in people taking actions simply for the amusement and validation of their friends. Today, with social media, it has become increasingly worse. They work off "like" and "share" of complete strangers, where their followers tell the "wolf" what to say and do, as they become little more than another sheep in a flock.

How often, in your attempt to be your own person, are you simply following the crowd? How often are you playing the bad boy just for the approval of others? Is their approval more important than the people you're hurting, so often simply to prove how badass you are? Harder to recognize still, but just as dangerous to yourself, how often you take a contrary stance to the crowd just to play the rebel? Isn't the crowd still telling you what to do? Are you viewing the crowd's reactions of approval or disapproval as a validation of your actions, instead of using the actual repercussions as a true measure?

In your attempt to prove how secure you are, have you become that insecure?

That's why social media is sometimes a dangerous place. Anyone can present themselves as a leader, an influencer, as everyone tries to market themselves as the protagonist of their own novel. In reality they're just rehashing the same thing everyone else is doing. If they don't keep their egos in check, or at least are honest enough with themselves to understand why they're doing something, they'll easily fall prey to the comfort of the approval of the masses as the final goal becomes being "liked" by “friends.”

Consider that person you follow and respect. Are you following them because they have something to contribute to your lives or are you following them simply because they validate your own prejudice? Gravitate to those who can make you grow and open your eyes. Do so, not to follow them, but rather to learn from them, as you become your own person. And above all, be careful that in your desperate need to become a wolf, you don't become a sheep.

It’s Good to Be Bad

The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.

African Proverb

If you’re like me (and if you follow this blog, you probably are), your social media feed keeps getting populated by “Gentleman” articles and memes about how men can be better men. Most of these tend to focus on the honorable development of your Chivalry, as we strive to become the hero of our own saga. In a similar manner, many people view the prototypical gentlemen as being too soft or nice or even delicate to deal with today’s chaotically aggressive society. So, if being a Gentleman is so conducive to being the “good guy” or a KISA (Knight in Shining Armor), why is it that every time Hollywood needs a memorable bad guy, they give us a Gentleman Villain?

When a movie starts, we see just how bad-ass our hero is in that initial sequence, as he spends the first 10 minutes of the film having to prove himself to us as an audience. The villain? He just has to step into frame in his perfectly tailored suit, impeccable eloquence, and overwhelming presence and we buy it, no questions asked. Is it because of their calm superiority? Because they are effortlessly imposing? Their arrogance? Their style? It’s all that and more.

Take a moment and think of the most memorable villains we’ve been served, the ones that become more popular than the hero themselves. From Hans Gruber in the original Die Hard to James Moriarty in the Sherlock Holmes series to John Milton in Devil’s Advocate (in truth any role taken by Al Pacino), we end up more invested in the villain than we do in the hero. If you don’t believe me, just consider how out of the two hours of Silence Of The Lambs, Hannibal Lecter only appears for 16 minutes, and yet that’s all he needed to leave a lasting impression in our social psyche as one of the most memorable villains of all times. It only takes a few cords of the imperial march, to make us gasp in expectation, waiting for Lord Vader to walk into the scene. 

Movies (books, theater, and even video games for that matter) tend to make heroes relatable, so the audience can live vicariously through them. This means that our protagonist will be as generic (read as “bland”) as possible. It’s only through his development that he becomes more, as he is expected to learn and grow through some kind of musical montage. To counter his blandness, writers need to create a colorful antagonist that we can all relate to hating. He must be the guy we envy in our own lives because he dresses better, drives a better car, has the better job, and is more successful than us. They create someone who makes us feel inferior as they’re playing off our insecurities.

Except some of us look at that guy and want to become him! The women in the audience find themselves wondering why the leading lady’s putting up with our hero’s bullshit self-righteousness instead of running into our villain’s hedonistic arms. I mean, the villain is someone who’s driven and committed to achieve success, real a go-getter. His wealth, social standing, and attitude are a testaments to his success. On the other hand, the hero simply waits around to react to the bad guy’s actions. The villain’s passionate about his ambitions and desires as he’s willing to do what most people won’t even consider. His attention to detail, bespoke suit, and razor-sharp wit only serves to show off the lack luster of the hero we’re expected to root for.

Note: I want to clarify that this isn’t limited to the Gentleman Villain, as the Lady Villainess is just as imposing. Just look at Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep) in the Devil Wears Prada, Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty or the movie bearing her name, or even Selina Kyle (Catwoman) in the Batman Series. Nothing says “desire me all you want, but don’t even think I won’t kill you if you get in my way” like a well developed “Bitch Face.”

While the hero spends most of the time trying to prove himself, overcome his own flaws and insecurities, while the movie plays off his weaknesses for the audience’s sympathy, the villain doesn’t need our validation or sympathy. They just are, letting US bask in THEIR awesomeness. Playing the victim card? That’s left for heroes and victims to use. They don’t play to the crowd. If anything, they should inspire us to achieve greatness for nothing more than greatness sake. 

They’re powerful and imposing without the need to prove it or remind us. They embrace their passions without the moralist qualms reinforced by hypocritical social standards. If they display restraint, it’s to let us know about their iron will and self-discipline; only unleashing their fury when needed and then only to deal with the incompetence of others. Even John “Jigsaw” Kramer, from the Saw series, keeps a constant and even level tone to his voice. It’s this villain’s calmness that works off our own fear. They are the epitome of the adage “Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.” 

Note that the true Gentleman Villain isn’t an abuser or falls for pettiness, as they see these things below their notice. They don’t need to make anyone feel inferior or show off their greatness or even remind anyone of who they are, as that again would be playing to the crowd and needing validation. Sure, they’ll blow up a shelter full of orphaned kittens, but they’ll do it simply because it was in their way. Raul Juliá best exemplifies this mentality in Street Fighter. (Before you judge me for bringing this piece of cinematic crap up, I know this is a good awful movie, but Juliá chews through every scene he’s allowed to cut loose in.)

"For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for me, it was Tuesday."  

The fact that these gentlemen are so determined, so imposing, and so unapologetic makes them “Evil,” or at least that’s what their creator wants us to think. It’s later on, as the writers realize just how popular the villain has become, do they feel the need to “flaw” him so either, we can believe that the hero has at least a chance to defeat them or they can become hero’s themselves in the sequel. Suddenly Vader takes off his mask and stops being James Earl Jones or the Six Fingered man just flee cowardly, as the writers dismantle the well-developed villain in only two seconds worth of bad filmmaking. Why the hell do they think this is a good thing, I don’t know. Personally, I view it as a cheat to try and keep the hero more popular. Besides, we’re expected to root for the hero simply because he’s the hero. We ignore the fact that his only motivation is probably revenge (yet nobody’s motivated to get revenge on the hero for all the faceless minions he kills) or simply because it’s his job (get’s paid to stop the villain). Sure, the villain’s the bad guy of the story, but as long as Red Riding Hood’s telling the story, the Wolf will always be the bad guy. We aren’t shown all the work that went into creating his evil empire, all the personal sacrifices and dedication that went into becoming the powerful men they are.

Let’s make it clear. I’m in no way promoting the idea that Villainy should be viewed as a proper career choice, nor are we romanticizing the extremes that villains go to or the people they hurt. We still need heroes. We still have to understand that blowing up innocent kittens and puppies should always be frowned upon because… they are puppies and kittens, you sick bastard! Because that’s where the villain fails us. They cross the line where their personal passion ignores the people they hurt in the process. That’s the only thing that makes them into villains worth stopping.

We need the KISA to prove to society that men are honorable creatures despite all the bad press we get. But don’t you think it’s time to stop having to prove yourself for other people’s validations or even permission? In a society where you have to start most expositions with trigger word warnings or begging people not to take everything personal, seeing someone being proud of who they are or openly enjoying what they’ve achieved through hard work and dedication (all those sports cars and Italian suits aren’t cheap and building an evil empire isn’t easy) is almost a breath of fresh air. When you get to a point where you no longer have to impress others, that’s when you become free.

Isn’t it time to stop asking for permission to strive for greatness? Isn’t it time to enjoy being the man you are, the unapologetic Gentleman you’ve become? Isn’t it time to prove you've gone past your own insecurities as you no longer walk on eggshells, or feel like a victim, or even have to play to the crowd? Isn’t it time to discipline yourself into the man you’re destined to be?

The world isn’t going to conquer itself.

Stop Fixing Your Weaknesses

Some time ago I read a story Alejandro Jodorowsky that I wanted to share with you. I haven’t found the original again nor do I remember the title, so the best I can do is retell it to the best of my ability.

A father met with his son’s school teacher after the boy brought home his grades. The child had gotten good marks in art class yet wasn’t doing that great in math. The teacher looks at the worried parent and asked what he intended to do about the situation.

“I plan to find him a math tutor as soon as possible; making him do extra work till he gets great at math.”

The professor looked at the parent stunned.

“Instead, why don’t you find him an art tutor for art and develop the talent your son obviously has! We all have talents, but we shouldn’t be forced to all have the same talents.”

We have no problem understanding that we are all different, that we all have some things we’re each good at and some things we’re bad at. The funny thing is that we focus more on fixing “what’s wrong” rather than working on “what’s right.” We’re sold on the idea that there’s only one way to become successful in life, one single little formula that has been proven true. Then, as with that peg that just won’t fit, we try to hammer ourselves into that mold, only to left wondering why we’re neither successful nor happy.

Instead on trying to “fix” what we’re not so great at, why not focus on what we’re actually good at. Instead of pointing at other peoples flaws as reasons why they won’t succeed, why not point at all their abilities as reasons why they will succeed. Maybe then, people will stop seeing their failures and start seeing their potential.

Dress As You Want To Be Addressed

Dressing well is a form of good manners.

Tom Ford

A couple of weeks ago I headed to look over a few car options as my relocation removed my commuter options of daily travel. At the dealership, I have to admit, the sales clerk did an awesome job in how he treated us. They went above and beyond trying to make the sale, and at the end offered us a wonderful deal with numerous extras. While we were being “wined and dined,” at the same time another couple walked into the dealer. The sales clerk wouldn’t even give them the time of day. The difference between us and that other couple? How we were dressed.

You’ve probably seen this situation if you’re into people watching, if not lived it personally. A person walks into a high-end store and is completely ignored because he’s dress in rather casual attire. A moment later, someone well dressed walks in and the sales clerks magically appear, roll out the red carpet and even bring along appetizers. To the other person, the only thing they brought out, if they bring anything at all, are the cops to escort them out of the store.

Sure, we could call this classism, elitism, or might even bring out the race card into the debate. We’ll see online posts calling out boycotts of the place or making status updates as they feel the need to tell the world how a person’s more than their cloth or their appearance. And they’ll do this in the most arrogant, self-righteous manner, as they cite successful entrepreneurs who’ve made their mark while in worn out jeans and sneakers. What they fail to realize is that the world will treat people the same way that they present themselves to the world. Those successful entrepreneurs in question? Those are the exceptions, not the norm.

Ask any bartender, waiter, or sales clerk.  They know that a person willing to spend the time and money to present themselves properly to the world, AND treats others respectfully, will probably will tip better and will definitely treat the server better. If you want to be treated like you can afford something, shouldn’t it be a good idea to dress like you can afford it? If you want to be taken seriously, shouldn’t you dress like they should take you seriously? How you dress says a lot about your potential; be it to spend or to act.

And this isn’t limited to the service industry. Any situation where you have to deal with others in a social environment, how you present yourself to others will define in what direction the interaction takes. Be it a random conversation, be it a date, or be it an interview.  Clothes might not make the man, but I can guarantee they have gotten many a man a good job. You can achieve anything if you dress properly for it.

The Millennial Man and the Generation Gap

Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.

John F. Kennedy

While I was in college in the early 90’s, I was part of a small group of architecture students who dove right into the idea of using computers to produce our drawings. This wasn’t viewed very favorable by most of our professors who still viewed hand drafting as an art form and constantly dismissed the validity of computers as a valid tool of the profession. “A computer will never replace a good drafter” or “guess you can’t work if the lights go out” were repeated over and over as a way to put down our little clique. We would try to argue that the computer was simply a tool or if the lights go out, you wouldn’t be able to work anyway, but those replies fell constantly on deaf ears as the professors refused to listen to anyone else’s opinions on the matter.

The irony of the story was that as soon as I graduated, the government required that all construction plans had to be submitted in digital format. Now suddenly, the same professors who would constantly be putting us down were now in a bidding war to hire as soon as we graduated. The reality of why so many of those old professors kept trying to dismiss us had less to do with the purity of the art form and more to do with a fear of becoming obsolete with the changing times as their own insecurities were getting the better of them.

Why do I bring this story up in a blog about gentlemen culture and modern men? Because I am seeing a very similar situation happening between the Old Guard and the New Guard within the Modern Gentlemen Movement. Every once in a while, a meme pops up stating how these modern gentlemen don’t know how to change a tire, or hunt, or chop wood, or use a firearm, or rebuild an engine, or some other “manly” activity. Others state how these men must be condemned for either their hairstyle, their beards, or their fashion sense. The penalty for their inability to do any of the previously mentioned hobbies or their fascination for certain trends is the disdain of the more traditional minded gentlemen out there.

To the Old Guard, as a member of that generation, I ask for a simple favor. Stop being such insecure little brats. Most of those things you mention only work if someone grew up within your own personal little world. I’ve been a city dweller my entire life, so I have never had any interest or even need to develop any kind of “survival skills.” The closest I get to “roughing it in the great outdoors” is driving with my top down. It’s funny to read post criticizing someone’s style or fashion sense done by someone with no fashion identity. As for some of the other “life skills” needed to be a man, they are actually more like “life skills” to be an adult. Not only men, but women as well, should have some basic mechanical knowledge if they every plan to own a car. I actually see no need to force anyone to validate their manhood to play to my insecurities.

If anything we should be applauding these young Gentlemen for helping revive what was once a dying art, as they took up the torch of chivalry and masculinity to light their way through life. Sure, the torch is no longer an actual flame but rather a flashlight app within their smart phone, but at the core, it’s still the same thing. The only thing that has changed is the tools at their disposal.

Yes, we must keep the old arts and the old traditions alive, but never at the expense of evolution and progress. Progress is impossible without change, and this isn’t the first time that Chivalry has changed. If anything, it’s constantly changing and evolving. That’s why, after over 500 years, we are still honoring the Code of Chevaliers and calling each other Gentlemen.

Social Activism and The Zombie Apocalypse

Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever the fuck you were going to do anyway.

Robert Downey Jr.

Thanks to movies and TV, we are all familiar with the zombie apocalypse to the point where we have fantasized about how we would handle ourselves within that improbable eventuality. There is some morbid attractiveness to the idea of being able to handle hordes of mindless monsters without owing them even the slightest pity or consideration as even the most heinous acts are viewed as heroism in support of the greater good. Such have been our fantasies that even the Pentagon has developed a national contingency plan in case Zombies try to take over.

The sad part of this fantasy is how we’ve embraced this mentality within our society, not against zombies, but rather against each other. We grouped together into little cliques of survivors as we set off to fight our own “zombie hordes.” We stopped looking at each other as humans with the capability of having different points of views and different perspectives within the same topic, as we embraced an “Us vs. Them” attitude where “Us” are right and “Them” deserve whatever we can throw at them.

People fashioned themselves as activists, posting their protest about one issue or another, were online media sites desperately scurried to fine the new offensive material to condemn or the new scandal to criticize. Everyone desperately seeks to became a victim or a champion of victims, as we unfriended, trolled, or attacked anyone who thought differently from us. And we all rejoiced at what great people we became as we dove head first into justifiable assholism. If we stop and looked at what happened, we would realize just how horrible of a society we are creating in our need to find enemies to fight or victims to defend.

There is an advantage of having enemies or of being a victim that we refuse to admit. As we define an enemy and refuse to view them as equal to us, we can assign all the evil and badness of the world to these people while viewing ourselves as having ownership of all the goodness and moral high ground. This allows us to wallow in our own anger and resentment, as we are given free rein to abuse people. We feel that we can’t be held accountable for our own actions as the label of victimhood absolves us from doing any evil, no matter what we are doing, as our actions are justifiable. We keep telling ourselves how we would be good natured and caring if it wasn’t for those “enemies” who deserve our attacks.

And that feels good. Real good. Just as with the zombie apocalypse, we can now be as drastic as we want while being a hero working for the greater good. To justify this mentality and fanatism, we post up memes calling out the evils of indifference or even the virtues of having enemies, as we troll, harass, lie, stretch the truth, threaten, and even physically assault anyone who disagrees with us. And we do this all while calling out those same actions from our counterparts.

We see this in both Conservatives and Liberals. We see this in both Feminists and Men’s Rights Activists. We see this in both #BlackLivesMatter and #AllLivesMatter. We see this within the religious and even in those fighting class warfare. In reality, we see this in any groups who fashion themselves as fighting for a “cause.” Ironically, if you sit down and have an open minded conversation with anyone within these different groups, you realize that each hold some shard of truth and from each you could learn. Believe it or not, you can actually find some knowledge, or at the very least some understanding and empathy, even within the bigot, the racist, the sexist, and even the homophobe.

Keep in mind that in no way I’m promoting any kind of discrimination or abuse, but rather calling out the socially acceptable discrimination and abuse disguised as social justice. The problem with calling out this kind of oppression is that we refuse to acknowledge when we do it, as we find it justified as we have turned the world into black and white ideologies, were you are either with me or an enemy.

We have polished this mentality so cleverly that we even created a concept to condemn anyone who criticizes our actions or exposing our hypocrisy. To avoid the possibility discussion brought up by others that we are doing something wrong, we call out their “privilege,” as we try to silence them through shame or guilt. We’ve gone so far with the “privilege” guilt trip discourse that some are made to feel that the only way to remove the shame of their gender, race, social class or any other personal situation is through the purgatory of combating their own. It’s amazing how we see nothing wrong with condemning someone over the personal situation, often one that they can’t control, as we use guilt and shame as little more than a tool for oppression.

So what can you do?

You can win by refusing to play this game. You have to realize that these hypocrites find their position validated with every share of online posts. You have to understand that social media sites profit from every controversial article as their hit counters pile up. All you have to do is sit back and stop playing their game as you realize the only power something has over you is the one you give it. Understand that the protest du jeur will be forgotten within a couple of weeks, as the moralist vultures move on to the next cause.

Work on yourself and on bettering yourself, and stop measuring your worth based on what group you belong. You can believe in gender equality without putting down anyone else. You can be a conservative on some topics, while being a liberal on others. You can be a traditionalist and a modernist at the same time. One ideology doesn’t trump the other. Disagreeing with someone doesn’t make you better than them. How you treat them in spite of disagreeing with them does.

Refining a Rebellion

What is a rebel? A man who says no: but whose refusal does not imply a renunciation.

Albert Camus

As a young man, I fancied myself a social rebel, a non-conformist with a mean streak. I was that outspoken student who would look for even the simplest excuse to challenge authority. I refused to follow the norms and rules, as I bulldozed my way across life. I hung out with the wrong people and did the wrong things. I wanted to change the world, so I set off to questioned society and its moral rules with every action and every comment I made, as I was convinced that this would give me some kind of power over how my life would turn out. Life doesn’t work like that.

As I look back, I have come to realize how alike everyone within that social crowd dressed, acted, spoke, and thought of themselves as rebellious independents. Makes me reconsider just how much of a rebel I actually was? It also makes me thankful that all of this happened before all social mishaps end up in YouTube. It also makes me think about all those social activists who go from one protest to another, were protesting takes center stage over actually making a difference.

Way too many people want to challenge the world, rebel against authority, prove just how independent they are. So they set up to do exactly what the rest of the “rebellious” crowd does. They lay in wait, as their social media feed tells them what to be offended off or what social justice bandwagon to get onboard. And as if pre-coordinated and pre-orchestrated, we see how profile pics change as the massive “injustice” du jour taints everyone’s face. What was once acts of rebellion are currently the norm. What was once viewed as challenges to the establishment have now become the social establishment?

So this leaves us with a rather interesting question; what is a modern rebel? It still is the person who’s willing to stand against the social paradigm, so a simpler question should be “what is the social paradigm?” Well, based on social media, it’s to protest simply to be cool, were insults and judgmentalism are more important that making a difference, as “look at me” overtook “let me take a hard look at myself.”

Ironically, when you start looking at the word “rebel” from that perspective, the result is rather amusing.

In a society that tells you to be selfish, being loyal is rebellion.
In a society that tells you to hate everyone else, being kind is rebellion.
In a society that tells you to conform to mediocrity, giving that extra mile is rebellion.
In a society that tells you to follow viral videos and consume media, getting off your ass and living life is rebellion.
In a society that tells you to call out everything wrong in everyone else, working to fix what’s wrong within yourself first is rebellion.

When you thing about it, society has now become this angst obsessed judgmental hypocrite child who refuses to grow up and take accountability for itself. With that in mind, it’s amazing how being a rebel can now be summed up in a simple manner.

Taking care of yourself and those around you

Treating others with respect
Expecting more from yourself
Being a decent human being

Funny how much of this can be defined with one simple term.

Gentleman.

The Worst Relationship Advice We Believe

Dear Men,

If you’re going to criticize a woman’s figure or any other aspect of her appearance, please make sure that you are either Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp.

Unknown

Every once in a while someone will come along to provide some wonderful insight to those seeking a meaningful relationship. They will remind those of you that are single that out there, in the vastness of this wonderful world, is that special someone who will make you understand why it never worked out with anyone else. This person will understand you and love you just as you are. They will embrace your faults as beautiful, your flaws as the things that make you special, and love you unconditionally. They will have everything you would want in a partner as they will be smart, independent, strong, sensitive, supportive, and attractive. They won’t have any of those deal-braking bad habits that have ruined so many of your previous relationships as you two are simply one soul that got split in two during creation…

And that’s a beautiful thought, until you realize it’s one of the most self-centered and selfish attitudes anyone can have and the reason why you’ve been so miserable in love. When you remove all the romantic literacy from that mentality and read it for what it is; you realize that you’re expecting someone who’s amazing, yet isn’t looking for someone amazing. You want someone who’s willing to happily put up with your crap without giving you any crap at all.

More amazing still is our hypocrisy; as we set the highest standards for others yet refuse to live up to those same standards ourselves. You expect someone to love you for who you are, yet you refuse to show any kind of self-love as you don’t have the slightest demonstration of developing for yourself since they have to love you “just as you are.” You expect them to put up with your “worse” as a price to enjoy you at your “best,” as if suffering was an acceptable toll for your company.

All this happens while you scrutinize the other person for any flaw or fault that will excuse you from feeling guilty of all they have to put up with. It’s to the point where instead of looking at what wonderful qualities someone might have, you focus on what flaws you’re unwilling to put up with. No wonder we keep hearing phrases like “all women are crazy” and “all guys are the same.” That’s what people look for when they look at someone, proof that the woman is “crazy” or the guy is just like the “rest.” It’s an easy way to avoid being accountable for our responsibility of every failed relationship we’ve ever been in.

If you want a relationship with an incredible person, you’d better be ready to work your ass off to become an incredible person yourself. Instead of looking for someone willing to settle for you, look for someone worth polishing who you are for them. Look for someone who pushes you to become better and worth growing for.

Don’t keep saying you want someone amazing when you only focus on the flaws people might have. What you focus on demonstrate what’s important to you. Everyone comes with baggage, but they also come with some wonderful qualities. Stop looking for excuses to treat people badly and start looking for reasons to cherish them.

Relationships aren’t about what the other person has to offer you, but rather what you both are willing to do for each other. Don’t expect to find a Leading Lady if you aren’t willing to be a Leading Man.

A Father who lost (guest post)

Do you want to know who you are? Don’t ask. Act! Actions will delineate and define you.

Thomas Jefferson

A while back I wrote about dads who’ve been absent from their kid’s lives for reasons beyond their control. The response was equally surprising as it was depressing, receiving messages from men who’ve lost their relationships with their kids due to several situations of life. I felt that I wasn’t suited to expand on the topic as I was fortunate enough to never have lived this kind of events myself, but as luck would have it, I ran into this wonderful post on No Deadbeat Society: An Army of Fathers who give a sh*t. I think that there was no way that I could best explain what a situation like this meant like a man who lived it himself.

With that I leave you with an open letter to any Dad’s facing custody dispute: From a Father who lost.

Dear Dad soon to be standing in front of a judge for rights to see his children,

This letter is from a man who lost everything. I immaturely acted like a 20 something year old man would to things I didn’t like in my situation. And in the end, I lost everything. Enough time with my children to be able to do simple things like take them to park, or see them off to school on their first day…

Most of what you will read online, especially where there is opportunity for men to openly discuss the court process; you will read and hear that the court systems are extremely biased. That the system is ripping men from their children. While it sometimes seems that is true, you have to understand that it’s quite often the actions of men that cause it. Note; this letter is in no way aimed to speak about or cause debate about the court system. You can form your own opinion about the process, and any bias you feel judges may have in America towards mothers. All I can offer you is passionate advice on how to best situate yourself as you are preparing to face a custody debate.

You need to humble yourself. The truth is that as men, we are raised to be strong. We see it in the news, the media, movies, video games, books, music, the list goes on and on. A man should be able to protect himself and his family, no matter the battle he has to fight. No matter who is on the other side of that battle. Someone hurts one of our family members, we have almost been taught over the years to let them know in whatever way possible that you won’t tolerate that, and they should fear doing it again. What we have to learn is that sometimes, that fight requires you to humble yourself. Not become a victim per say, but accept that sometimes you have to let things go…

Your children must be your first priority.  There is absolutely NOTHING more important than them. You have no excuse, there is no situation you can justify anything over them. So if at this point in this letter you are muttering “bullshit” to yourself. Don’t even bother continuing to read. But if you are open to understand continue on.

This isn’t legal advice, if you are seeking that google a family lawyer in your area that represents fathers. Quite often they will have free resources on their websites that provide detailed action plans for fathers seeking custody. But trust me, they will tell you to act similar to how I am, only they will say it’s for purposes of court proceedings, I am telling you this because it is for your mental health and happiness.

My advice is from the heart. From a father who lost.

Your ex has a new man in her life?  Let it be….. If he isn’t hurting your children, let it be…  You will someday fall in love again and want to have your new wife or girlfriend around your children. Your children’s mother will feel exactly how you are about her new man in the picture.

Let go of your ex. Let go of everything you remember that may have been a great time. Now is a time for you to focus on your mental health and unconditional love for your children.

Your ex speaks down to you? Let it be…. it doesn’t matter.  Reality check.

No matter the abuse you may go through, do not react. Find sources of healing, support groups. Learn about meditation. See a counselor.  Don’t act out, but don’t keep it bottled in. There are people you can talk to. Just don’t let it be your ex, or your children.

Never act out in any abusive form. Mentally or Physically. No matter how big and bad you think you are. If you can’t control your anger and realize how much that could negatively impact your children if they witnessed it, you will end up in a very dark place.

Embrace and love your children every chance you get.

Never speak negatively of their mother in front of them. No matter what they repeat to you that may have come from her mouth. Respectively address it via some sort of correspondence with her and ask her to correct it with your children. Do your best to articulate to your children that it isn’t true, but never call her a liar. Keep their happiness and wellbeing a priority throughout these kinds of conversations.

If you have to pay child support. Who cares. Pay it. Is not paying a few hundred bucks a month worth risking seeing your child at all because of your reaction to having to pay it? If it is…

Create goals for yourself that better your life. Career goals, health goals. Focus on becoming the best person you can be.

If you have ever acted towards your ex in a way that if a man acted that way towards your sister or mother you would have been extremely upset and confronted them; seek help. There is an underlying issue there, not only for the courts, but for yourself.

Do not claim victim. Immediately humble yourself and start the processing of obtaining peace and happiness.

Her new boyfriend threatened to beat you up? You know you could beat the hell out of him… Don’t. There are other means to addressing this that set a much better “I will not tolerate this kind of bullshit in my children’s lives” message to her.

Don’t fake being a good person to prove to the courts that you are a loving father. Truly become a good person, develop the skills necessary to make yourself such a good person that it makes you a happy person. That there is nothing false about the man you have become. You are stronger for it, not weaker.

Look at this process optimistically. This is your opportunity to seek a better future. For yourself, and for your children.

People say that if you repeat something enough times you will believe it as truth. Let your actions do this as well. Make doing good deeds a regular part of your routine, even if it’s not in front of your children. (hold the door open for people, give to charity if you can, volunteer, help people, etc…)

It truly takes a village to raise a child, be good to all of the people you love. That love will be returned 10 fold in ways you could never imagine. They will appreciate your struggle and they will provide your children with an overwhelming amount of love.

Never make a choice in your life that could negatively impact your kids. Don’t do it. There is no but, what if, or any excuses acceptable here… You met a sexy chick at the bar on your weekend off who frequently uses drugs and you want to start dating her? Don’t…  You’re invited out with some boys you used to hang out with who you regularly used to get in bar fights with? Don’t go. You drink and drive and never caught? Stop it… You think hanging out with “tough guys makes you look cool”. Get over yourself. Grow up.

The basic impulses no longer apply to you. You aren’t a man. You are a father. It’s a different breed of man. It requires a depth you never had before.

Never make an impulsive decision of any kind. Weigh out all the negatives and positives and then form your opinion and act. Do this for everything, even minor decisions like where you are going to go for dinner. Do this so much that it becomes a regular part of your decision making process.

Humbling yourself his one of the most difficult things a man can do. Some women are horrible people, just as men are. Some judges will look down on you. Midst all of the chaos that is a custody dispute you have to humble yourself. You need to shift your focus to being the best person you can be. It took me years to realize this, and quite frankly it was too late.

I never want a man to feel what I feel now.

Do it for your kids.

Signed,
A Father who lost, and learned the hardest lesson in life he ever learned.

Casually Challenged

To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.

Winston Churchill

As many of you know, I relocated due to a change in employment. Within all the adjustments that come from such an endeavor, you expect to deal with many other changes as you handle the challenges of relocation, the new surroundings, and even dealing with a new work team. Yet it was one thing alone that caught me off balance, something I never considered as it seemed so inconsequential that I never really put any thought into it. It was something that most of you will actually think is absolutely trivial, but honestly, was the one thing that took the longest to get used too.

I no longer wore a suit to work.

I know this sounds dumb, and even as I write it, I realize that it reads even dumber, but let me elaborate.

For the last decade I have been defining who I am and who I wanted to be as a professional. I reflect this with my attitude, my habits, and even my wardrobe choices, so my closet pretty is pretty much a reflection of this. As I am now the kind of professional I sought to become, suddenly all of this changed, and in a way it broke my "sacred" morning routine that helped me focus into what the day held in store. As I got dressed in the morning, I realized that my closet was either suits or overly casual stay home t-shirt and jeans. I realized how something as simple as making a tie knot or putting on cufflinks were more of a meditation to me than getting dressed, as my suits become a comfortable shield and armor with which I faced the work ay. Sure, I got some new work clothing to compensate, but something about not suiting up in the morning kept bugging me. I just couldn’t figure out I couldn't yet carve out a new routine with this more casual look. That was till I had a conversation with a gent later on that week.

The gentleman in question was someone who after 20 years of military was about to retire. His personal challenge was that he had no idea how to handle a civilian life or, worse yet, I life where he no longer had any pressing financial or professional obligations while still being young enough to have his whole life ahead of him. My answer was pretty simple. “Think of it as an extended weekend were you do whatever makes you happy.” His response made me understand my own situation.

“You spend your entire life trying to figure out what works for you. When you finally figure it out, it doesn't work for you any more because you’re no longer that same man.”

That’s when I got it. I spent so many years working to become the man that I wanted to be. Yet when I became that man, my life had changed enough that the image I had created no longer fit me. We often work so hard to become something that we stop striving or adapting when we get there. We see it with anyone whose life changes, yet they want to keep doing the same things they did before. The college man who keeps prolonging his graduation, the retiree who never wants to retire, the married man who keeps holding on to his single life's habits, or the father who refused to accept his role as a dad.They worked so hard to become good at a certain stage of life that they have trouble moving forward into a new stage in life.

So as I start now a new stage , I am tasked into walking forward and adapting who I am, again setting myself on the path to become the man I was meant to be, yet this time I start this path with the eyes of a man who’s mature enough to know that he must change and grow in the same way life changes. Sometimes we define who we want to become, yet do so from the perspective of where we are in a specific moment in life. As we grow, change, and evolve, so should the man we strive to become. That man we are meant to be should never be static image created within a particular moment in our lives, but rather one that changes and evolved with us.