My
men have turned into women and my women into men!
Herodotus
(484 BC – 425 BC)
Masculinity is going
through a social redefinition, as the old “Boys don’t cry” has been finally
called out and we’ve opened up our eyes to the damage we’ve caused our boys.
Phrases like toxic masculinity have become common place within our everyday
language, we’ve realized that maybe we’ve been doing future generations a
disservice by placing unhealthy expectation of the world’s men. And so have
been born the foundations of a more sensitive masculinity.
And for an instant I’m
full of hope for the next generation of men; men sensitive enough to appreciate
the world we live in, men with compassion and empathy. Unfortunately, this
isn’t what’s happening. The end result has less to do with empathy, sensitivity,
and compassion and more to do with conformity, entitlement, and selfishness.
Masculinity, like so many
other aspects within our world, has become a pendulum. To stray away from the
moral and emotional damage created by the “tough it out” mentality, we’ve
embraced the full swing of the now emotionally open “modern masculinity.” The
problem being that the pendulum has swung so far that we now have men to soft
to deal with a simple reality.
The world isn’t a nice
place and will break you if you let it.
Yes, emotional openness
is crucial for a healthy life. If you’re unable to appreciate the beauty within
our world and understand the emotional intelligence we all posses, there isn’t
much left to live for. The problem lies in the fact that we’ve moved from the
desensitized extreme to the overly sensitive extreme. We’ve taught men that
it’s ok to cry, that it’s ok to ask for help, and that the world should show
men more understanding. The problem happens when we, in fear of bringing back
the old toxic aspects of masculinity, we won’t teach them to “Man Up,” as we
teach them that their emotions matter more than dealing with life. And this
wouldn’t be an issue if we didn’t forgot to teach them that life doesn’t stop
while you cry your heart out.
Before you get all
offended, take a moment to consider the following examples:
A
boy puts out his heart for all to see, but the girl’s not interested.
A
young man about to head off to college just found out that he’s going to be a
father.
A
business man who’s given his life to his company gets fired due to financial
issues out of his control.
A
husband just found out his wife has terminal disease.
A
father is told that his child has a permanent condition that will make the rest
of their life more challenging.
A
man dealing with a divorce, with a death, with an illness, with failure, with
life in general…
These are just some of
the simple realities of life, the ones that teach you just how unfair it all
can be. You can choose to curl up in a ball and break down as you feel sorry
for yourself, or you can stand up tough, look at life straight in its eyes,
smile, and utter the most empowering words you’ll ever learn.
That girl who’s not
interested in you doesn’t owe you her affection, no matter how much that might
hurt. That child to be born isn’t going to stop while you decide to grow up
emotionally enough to be a dad, no matter how unprepared you might be for that
new role. That job you prioritized over your family, the one that defined who
you were, showed you that putting your faith on your job will lead to emptiness
when it’s gone no matter how much effort you put into it. And most importantly,
when life goes into a whirlwind of chaos and those around you need your
strength and support, do you really think breaking down emotionally helps in
any way? Does self pity? There will be enough time for that afterwards, when
you finish dealing with it.
It’s not that we should
go back to the emotionally castrated manhood of the past. Nor is the solution
what we’ve taught now as we’ve moved into the overly emotional drama full
manhood of today. If we want a respectable manhood, we have to create men worth
respecting. We need men who are soft enough to embrace their emotions while at
the same time strong enough to not become victims of his own heart. Strength
and sensitivity aren’t exclusionary. We need to teach boys to be tough enough
to deal with life’s challenges, and soft enough to understand that life is worth
the effort.
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