Chivalry: Is it Needed?

Since it is so likely that children will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage.

C.S. Lewis

So, we have already discussed if Chivalry is dead and if it’s sexist. The next big question is if it’s even needed, especially in these modern days of gender equality. To discuss this, I am going to have to take a mind frame that I usually try to avoid, to focus at the negative aspect of this generation and the one to come of age. I say that I try to avoid this because I have never believed in judging one generation as if the previous one was exempt of their own issues. I also am a firm believer that spotlighting negative aspects does little to create positive results, but if we don’t understand the negative aspects that today’s men deal with, we can’t really understand if Chivalry is truly needed.

We live in a society that is providing men two options; become the douchebag slacker/mook or men who have been taught to be ashamed of being a man. Combine that with a scarcity for proper role models and a society that focuses on selfishness and self-gratification, we are left with a poor profile of what we can expect from modern men.

We are bombarded most media with the image of the slacker man-child, the incompetent dad, and the douchebag asshole; all of which are justified with the simple notion that you can’t expect any more from men. In social media, we are then bombarded with the idea that toxic masculinity has made all masculinity something of a death trap for anyone who relates with men in general. We have become guilty of the crime of being men, unless we ourselves begin to condemn the dangers of being a man, because apparently men have no self-control over their animal instincts.

With so many outside influences telling young men they aren’t good enough, you would think that we provide them with some kind of positive example, a role model to teach them what they can do right. Yet they are left to look up to men who can get away with domestic abuse, drug charges, and sexual violence simply because of their athletic ability, musical talent, or financial situation. The boys are learning these lessons well as we can see in our current college campuses.

Instead of telling boys everything they are doing wrong and will do wrong, why don’t we give them examples they can look up to, give them hope that they can be more, and teach them that life isn’t about “what’s in it for me,” but about “what can I give back.” That’s what Chivalry has been about from the beginning, men who live in a way that they set an example to others, who lead by doing, and inspire others to dream about achieving better world.

We need to stop glamorizing the slacker and the douchebag. We need to stop equating toxic masculinity with all masculinity. We need to teach boys to strive for more than just sliding by. We need to men that being a man isn’t an excuse for incompetent parenting, and that the label of Dad is earned. We need to teach men to stand up for others and not just themselves. We need to create a society where being a man shouldn’t be an excuse for bad behavior but instead a reason for good behavior. We need to set examples to men of all they can achieve, instead of treating them as a problem that needs to be fixed.

How far could men go if we taught them to do better, instead of telling them what they are doing wrong?

Chivalry: Is it Dead?

Some say that the age of chivalry is past, that the spirit of romance is dead. The age of chivalry is never past, so long as there is a wrong left unredressed on earth.

Charles Kingsley

There is one comment on Chivalry that gets more Social Media time than if it’s sexist, and that is if it’s dead. We hear it from the social justice warriors complaining that Chivalry enforces gender distinctions based on sexism, something we spoke about yesterday. Mostly we hear this countless times every time a guy complain about women and says that chivalry isn’t worth the effort or from women complaining that men are assholes. With so many people openly eulogizing Chivalry, could it be that it’s dead?

Far from it. From what I can tell, Chivalry doesn’t even have a cold.

But then why is it so rare nowadays?  The truth is, it isn’t rare. It just isn’t loud. We see it every day in the simple and small acts that men do that so often goes unnoticed because it’s second nature to them. We see it in the men who do good anonymously to make this world a little better. We see it in the WWII Veteran willing to go to jail for feeding the homeless. We see it in the famous actor who went back to his old job as a first responder during the 911 events. We see it in the young men who made the ultimate sacrifice to save their girlfriends. We see it in an anonymous "Santa" who paid off $50,000 worth of lay-aways for people he doesn’t even know.

And it’s not just in the grand gesture. We see it in simple everyday acts. We see it in another famous actor who offered his seat in the metro. We see it in the man who bought all the roses from a street vender with the condition that she gave them away to everyone she met. We see it in a president who shares his umbrella under the rain. And just this week, we see it in the Quarterback willing to help a lady stay out of the mud.

We have all heard the stories about men doing good, yet these stories are constantly drowned out by social media noise. With a medium dominated by loud groups of self-centered individuals screaming look at how awesome I am and self-righteous individuals screaming look at how awful he is, what chance does chivalry have to be heard?

None, and that’s a good thing. You see, chivalry should never be about looking for the spotlight. It should be about doing what’s right because it’s the right thing to do. And as long as there are good men in the world, good acts will follow.

Chivalry: Is it Sexist?

Chivalry: It's the little boy that kisses my hand, the young man who holds the door open for me, and the old man who tips his hat to me. None of it is a reflection of me, but a reflection of them.

Donna Lynn Hope

Every couple of months, we will get some kind of post calling out the sexism that is intrinsically attached to Chivalry, sometimes based on the latest study on gender issues, or simply a re-post of a previous one. We have a clear exposition as to the dangers and horrors of social inequality that have been reinforced for centuries by an outdated code of conduct that does little more than reinforce the repression of both men and women as the only reason any man would be chivalrous is to take advantage of his position within society.

The problem with that statement is that it’s pretty damn sexist on its own.

Chivalry is usually condemned as sexist by two specific groups, men who assume that chivalry places a women in a beneficial social position, assuming that it forces male servitude to women, and women who assume that the only reason men are chivalrous is to receive some kind of ulterior motive. Both cases say more about the person complaining than it does about Chivalry. The men assume that treating women with respect is degrading to them. The women assume that the only reason a gentlemen would treat a woman well is to degrade her or to take advantage of her, simply based on his gender. As we can see, sexism (prejudice based on gender) isn’t something exclusive that men do to women.

As a man and a gentleman, I am offended by both assumptions.

Ignoring the fact that those who call out chivalry as sexist do so from an ill-conceived preconception, I think it might be a good idea to actually ask if Chivalry is in fact sexist. For starters, as chivalry is a code of conduct and an ideal, it can’t be sexist. Now, can a chivalrous gentleman be sexist? Yes. You see, sexism isn’t dependent on chivalry, but on the person. Just as much as a woman can. Anyone can be sexist and sexist people will often use ideals and stretches of logic to justify their sexism, as do the racist and the bigot.

But what about all those extra attentions gentlemen offer ladies? Am I going to dismiss that reality? No. Then again, keep in mind that a gentleman doesn’t offer “extra” attentions to ladies; it’s that these attentions are more obvious to the observer. Treating people with respect and honor isn’t as obvious as opening a door or offering a seat in a bus. For this debate, I am going to focus on the logic behind a Gentleman’s actions towards women.

There are innumerous reasons behind said actions. Here I am going to break down some of different reasons gentlemen do them. I will focus beyond the practicality behind chivalry and the security aspect, as I already talked extensively on both cases. If I feel that the logic behind them is sexist, I will gladly admit to it. Do note that these are not the only reasons behind chivalry, as I have constantly tried to illustrate, there are as many paths to chivalry as there are chivalrous men.

The Sexist Gentleman.

This is the well-mannered, impeccably dressed, twin brother of the chauvinist pig of a man. They do exist, and are pretty much my main nemesis as they give the rest of us a bad name. He assumes that women are less than men and will uses chivalry as a tool for superiority. These men aren’t gentlemen. They simply act like one.

The Feminist Gentleman

Women have to deal with a lot of inequality and injustices from society and less scrupulous men. The gentleman views his actions as a way to compensate for what women must endure. Their actions become a leveling device, as they become an agent of equity.

The Equalist Gentleman

We assume that Gentlemen treat women with special treatment. This would be true, if it wasn’t that said special treatment is extended to EVERYONE except other men of equal standing. Is it because we assume that men of equal standing are better? No. It’s because we assume that men of equal standing should be just as chivalrous as us. We hold them to the same standards and expectations we hold ourselves, and that’s usually a lot higher than what we expect from anyone else.

The Serviceable Gentleman

A gentleman serves. It has always been this way. He serves his community, his family, his country, and his ideals. That’s what a gentleman does. So why should he stop serving someone simply because they are a woman? Do note that there is a world of difference between service and servitude. He stands strong by someone’s side, but never grovels by someone’s feet.

The Shameful Gentleman

Similar to the Feminist Gentleman, the gentleman is actually ashamed of the actions of other men. Their actions are in a way penance for their gender as they try to prove that not all men are “like that.” Many times, this is the result of having been exposed to the hurt that men can cause women.

The Respectful Gentleman

Believe it or not, this one, by definition is actually sexist. Gentlemen treat women from the starting point and notion that women should be respected because they are women. “Treat her like a princess because you were raised by a Queen.” This is usually the result of a man being raised by proper women role models. These gentlemen tend to assume that all women will measure up to the standards set by the women who helped shape them as men. Their actions are guided as a sign of respect towards the women in question.

The Romanceer Gentleman

This is another that falls on the “sexist by definition” category. It isn’t that they view women as inferior, but rather they view women as beautiful and tend to place them on a pedestal. Keep in mind that these men don’t focus these actions to “pretty women” only, but rather look for the beauty is ALL women.

The Simple Gentleman

The simplest explanation for these acts is simply because the man was raised with manners. There is no hidden agenda, no philosophical logic, and no profound insight. The man was simply raise with manners, and these manners align with chivalry, plain and simple. Why do we need to overcomplicate everything in life?

As I mentioned at the beginning, chivalry isn’t sexist and if a man is sexist, it isn’t because of chivalry. I can almost hear the cries of “I am civil to everyone, irrelevant to their gender.” The reality is that so is the Gentleman. Just because you choose to ignore everything else a gentleman does simply to focus on what you can use to support your click-bait article, doesn’t take away from what he does for those around him. 

Killing Selfishness with Social Skills

A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That's why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet.

Truman Capote

I want you to consider something for a second. At this very moment, we are having a conversation. Seriously, we are; me as the poster and you as a reader. As soon as you walk away from this post and walk along your everyday life, you are having a conversation with every single person in the street, with every person who can see your social media, with every person in the world. And this is happening every second of every day. Your world is the result of how the world reacts to you.

Kind of makes you feel small and important, all at the same time.

To understand this concept, let’s start by understanding what a conversation is. A conversation isn’t one person saying something that another person hears. A conversation is a message that one person sends and is individually filtered by the other person. This means that whatever you say is not only dependent on you saying it but on what the other person understands. A conversation is never about “I” but about “Us.” Success and failure, understanding and misunderstanding are shared responsibilities!

This means that to properly convey a message, you have to understand how to make your message clear. You want to be treated seriously? Be serious. You want to be treated with respect? Be respectable. You want to be understood? Be clear. Always be clear. When people confuse on who you are and what you are telling them; ask yourself what message you are sending out.

Also remember that what people hear is filtered by their own preconceptions and predisposition. That means you have to understand the recipient and tailor your message accordingly. Does this mean you have to behave differently depending on the person you are with? Yes. Before you get all judgmental with me, consider how you speak with those who know you for a long time and those you just met.

The end message is a shared responsibility, one shared by the person giving the message and the person filtering the message. It also means that you can’t place the full blame on someone’s comments or reaction as they are based on the message you sent out. It also means that you have to view a person’s comments and reactions based on who they come from.

When you understand that how people treat you is usually a reaction to your actions and attitude, to how you dress and present yourself to the world, you stop assuming both a selfish and a victim attitude. You start taking accountability for every word and every action you take. You also understand that you have a choice on how you react to the comments of others, basically taking away their power over you.

When you understand the concept of conversation, you understand how truly responsible you are for the world you create for yourself and how much of this world is a result of the world you share with those around you.