A Request To Every Strong Woman, From Every Strong Man

Strong women intimidate boys… and excite men.

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Ladies, you might have noticed that I tend to avoid making posts about dating and about women. The reality is that I have never wanted to turn Being Caballero into a dating advice column, but rather about how men need to better themselves. Also, I find it absurd and a bit arrogant that I, as a man, would tell women how to be.

That being said, I do have to bring up a topic in specific that does affect men’s efforts to become better men, and that is the notion that women today have to act dumb or weak to avoid scaring off men. To that mentality, I have but a single request to all you ladies out there that have considered it.

Please don’t.

Now for the elaborate explanation. Every woman has at one point or another either said the words “where are all the good men” or “guys are all the same.” They have felt that being strong, intelligent, and independent might be a good thing from a personal and professional level, but hinders them in finding a good relationship. They end up with the notion that good men are hard to find, so let’s settle with Mr. Good Enough.

Sure, you end up fulfilling the need to be in a relationship, you quench your thirst for companionship, but at what price. You end up in a relationship where you either keep up the mask of weakness and stupidity just to keep the man content, while your own happiness falters, or you show who you truly are at the risk of anyway creating further insecurities on an already insecure man. Is “at least I have a man” worth saying for a few days, months, or years of bad companionship in a bad relationship?

Consider the following. Every time you say that good men are hard to find, every other woman who hears you finds herself validated in lowering her own standards. This then creates a cycle of insecurities, where women assume that the price to pay for being strong and intelligent is loneliness. That’s not true.

Also consider the effect that it creates in men. “Every guy’s the same” just tells men that they don’t need to become better men, as they assume that their efforts won’t be even noticed. They assume that being “Good enough” is good enough to get a woman way out of their league. This makes men assume that women have to put up with half-assed relationship efforts, as they know that you are already willing to put yourself down just to avoid scaring him off.

The reality is that there are plenty of good men out there, and all too often they are asking themselves the very same question you are; “where are all the good women.” Nowadays, we find that men are more willing to better themselves, as they become aware of the personal need to better themselves, to not settle for a woman just based on her looks. They are looking for more from a relationship, usually the result of the same things that lead women to wonder where the good men are; previously failed relationships. The problem is that those insecure men and women tend to be really loud and drown out the rest of those who are strong enough not to need the social approval of others.

So go out there, be strong, be intelligent, be powerful, and be yourself. Who you are will automatically weed out the undesirables. Start looking for men you can look straight into their eyes, men who stand shoulder to shoulder and you don’t have to carry around. Look for men who are your equal. That kind of man is probably looking for the same thing.

Casually a Gentleman

The biggest criminals wear ties, not tattoos.

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If you’ve been reading these posts for a while, you will have noticed how the concept of the gentlemen and chivalry are under constant evolution based on how society evolves. Back in the day, education and manners was a way to show your social standing, to set yourself apart from the lower classes, and a suit was a way to carry your standing without saying a word. Today, that’s not always true as we live in a society where sometimes suits carry a stigma of arrogance and greed. On the flip side of that coin, you find ideals and morals of chivalry alive and well living within those who would never be caught dead in a suit.

Let me start by saying that I like to suit up. There is a certain power that comes with a suit, a certain social respectability. It carries the traditions of the old school gentleman as back in the day, the suit represented a status symbol, and it made it clear to the world that “you have your shit together.” I also understand how suits also carry a message of power and authority, and have used them plenty of times just for that reason. This means that there are times when wearing a suit might not be to my best interest. Sometimes being approachable and kind to others can actually be hindered by wearing a suit.

Sometimes a simple shirt and jeans let you do more as a gentleman than a suit. And that’s why we need to extend the image of the gentleman past the suit.

It used to be that a suit helped you to stand out from the “undesirables.” Today, we live in a more casual society where successful men prove they have their “shit together” by not needing a suit to prove it. Sometimes you would want to avoid the traditional suit to actually stand out from the real “undesirables.” I’m in no way telling you to ditch the suit. What I AM saying is that a suit should never become a regulation uniform for your life. The important thing is to look presentable and dress appropriately for the situation.

Find your own style and your own look. Within these parameters, mess around and play around with different levels of presentability. Just remember, your armour isn’t your suit, but your character. Just make sure that your appearance reflects your character.

Guerilla Compliments

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

Mark Twain

I’m going to say something that, although isn’t true, most of us have thought about. The world is full of idiots and assholes. The reality is that it isn’t. It’s just that assholes are pretty vocal about proving to the world what they are, usually loud enough to drown out the rest of us. And the problem lies in the fact that it just takes one single awful word or act to ruin our entire day. We’ll let it simmer within our minds, poisoning our every thought, and spreading it out to our environments as if it were some kind of virulent disease.

But here’s the flip side of the coin many of us usually don’t consider. It also takes a single compliment, a single kind word, to make someone’s day. When someone, specially a complete stranger, says something nice, you will probably end up smiling on the fact that someone was able to say something nice to you in a world proud of just being mean. You’ll share the story to your friends, reliving that simple moment where for an instant, the world wasn’t that horrible.

Now here’s the truly amazing fact that we keep forgetting, you have that power over everyone around you, especially those you don’t know in a personal level. You can be an asshole and ruin someone’s entire day or you can be nice and make someone’s entire day. You can make a difference every day to make this a nicer world, a single smile at a time.

With that in mind, I have always believed in guerrilla acts, as they become so random that the person is left without the possibility of accusing you of having ulterior motives. I mentioned this before in an old Valentine post. But what if it’s not limited to romance and valentines, what if you expanded it to everything and everyone?

What I am proposing are simple acts that take very little effort. It’s as simple as smiling to a complete stranger and saying “good day.” It’s as simple as offering a compliment on something about the person. “That’s a beautiful scarf” or “what a lovely pendant” will usually let the person realize that the world recognizes their existence in a positive way.

Just make sure to leave it at that and not turn it into some kind of opening gambit or pick up line, as it take away ALL validity of the act. Also consider what you compliment on. ’Dat Ass or Damn aren’t really appropriate compliments. Neither is complimenting on things that might be interpreted as inappropriate.

A while back, there was an online joke about #DudesGreatingDudes, as a criticism of catcalling apologists. Although it was intended as a joke, I actually agree with it. Limiting your compliments to the ladies proves that you’re intentions aren’t about making a decent world, but rather to see how many numbers you rack up. See a gentleman wearing a nice tie? Let him know. They have a nice car, why not mention it? Is it really that hard to say something as simple as “nice hat”?

You see, anyone gets a kick off a compliment and anyone deserves to be reminded that decent people actually outnumber the assholes. We just have to start being as loud as those who ruin everyone else’s day.

Being A Charitableman

Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.

Muhammad Ali

One of the defining aspects of being a man of virtue and character, a true Gentleman, is what you are willing to do to help others. You see it in almost all their everyday actions and manners; be it holding a door for someone to mentoring someone. What not everyone knows is that this is the time of the year when the Gents head out in force to help other men be more; so I thought it appropriate to call out some of the recent and upcoming events that you Caballeros out there might be interested to learn about and participate.

Last Sunday, September 27, was the Distinguished Gentleman’s Ride. For those unaware of the Gentleman’s Ride, this is a yearly even were “more than 37,058 smartly-dressed gentlefolk in 410 cities from 79 countries will straddle the saddles of their café racers, bobbers, scramblers and other marvelous custom motorcycles to raise awareness and help fund the cure for prostate cancer.” They were able to raise about 2.25 million dollars worldwide, but are still accepting donations. If you missed it this year, start planning for next year’s ride.

For something closer to this date and a lot easier to do, MAN MADE has brought up again their Gentleman Up campaign and has determined October 9^th as #FormalFriday. If you use #FormalFriday on Twitter and Instagram that day, MADE MAN will donate $1 to CAREER GEAR in support of the development of men in need. So this Friday, suit and be counted. For those that haven’t heard about the Gentleman Up campaign, I am including last year’s and this year’s promotional videos below.

 

Also, please remember that “the hairiest month of the year is almost here” as next month is Movember. For those unaware what I’m talking about, “The Movember Foundation is a global charity committed to men living happier, healthier, longer lives. Since 2003, millions have joined the men’s health movement, raising $650 million and funding over 1,000 programs focusing on prostate cancer, testicular cancer, poor mental health and physical inactivity.” This is the big daddy of all Men’s Help & Health movements.

It’s important to mention a couple of other charities helping men be more. If you happen to have a suit you’re no longer using, remember that you can donate them to That Suits You if you’re in the New York area or Suited & Booted if you’re in the London area.

Please let me know of any other charity organization helping men and boys become more, so I can add them to future posts. It doesn’t take much to make a difference, but that difference might mean the world to someone else, so please be a charitableman.