Not All Absentee Fathers Are Absent By Choice

If there’s no relationship with a father who’s absent, nobody talks about it.

Charles Rangel

If there is a phrase that carries the emotional weight of the world, it’s absentee father. We automatically think of the deadbeat dad, the emotionally distant father, or the man who chose to abandon his family for no other reason than selfishness. If anything, absentee fathers set the example of why single moms are viewed with such reverence, as they take up the roles of both mother and father. Ask any dad who’s involved in his child’s life and his reaction will be one of either disgust or hatred towards these kind of men as they will never understand why any man would chose not to be part of his kid’s life.

I have seen firsthand, in the lives of those close to me, the wonderful effects of being a son or daughter to an involved dad. I have also seen firsthand, in the lives of those close to me, the effects of being a son or daughter of an emotionally distant father or not having a father present at all in their lives at all. There are plenty of men who simply never grew into their role as a father for whatever reason. They never really wanted it and now that it’s happened, still refuse to step into those shoes. For them, I have little sympathy.

But there are others that have made me change my judgmental attitude.  I am seeing the effect on a father not having their child in their lives, and this changed my entire perspective.

I have seen service men that due to their oath have missed plenty of important moments in their child’s lives. These men, not only risk their lives constantly, sacrifice their emotional state as they get to see their kids every once in a while on a screen for only a few moments. After that, they are forced to swallow whatever sentiments they have to focus on the task at hand.

I have seen men having to move away from their families and taking on the jobs away from their family as local options are no longer in sight, as they search for a better life for their kids. And in their search for a future for their children, they are forced to miss the lives these kids have now. Their only hope is that they child won’t have to go through the same sacrifices when their time comes. This is often the story of most immigrants who have come to this country since its founding.

I have seen men working 12 and 15 hour shifts simply to ensure that there is a roof over their kid’s head and food on the table. These men pile on themselves unhuman levels of stress, burning out before their time, with the only consolation that their children will have anything and everything they need or want, except for a father.

And the one that I have seen hurt the most men, and the one that breaks my own heart every time I speak with a man going through this…

I have seen men who have braved the worst that manhood has to offer, break as their involvement in their child’s live is limited to 2 days every other week after a divorce. I have seen men cry simply because they can’t read their son or daughter a bedtime story every night as they did before. I have seen these men struggling with this new life, one where they are no longer constantly present within their child’s life. And this is when the divorce was amicable. Just imagine the many cases where the spouse demonizes the father figure to these children.

We need to see past the obvious judgmental views, and realize how often these men are sacrificing themselves, sometimes literally killing themselves, as they are trying to be in some way present in their child’s life, even if it’s indirectly.

In many of these cases, the men are forced to swallow in their emotions, if for nothing else, as a survival method just to deal with the day by day. The problem is that after a while it stops being a day by day mentality as you internalize it, and that’s when your soul starts to die and you lose yourself.

In other cases, these men are swallowed by the emotional abyss, as they feel ashamed of not being there for their kids, or not living up to the ideal of being a father. This creates a vicious cycle as they fall further into oblivion every time they realize just how deep into oblivion they already are.

Gentlemen, in both cases, seek help. You can’t be of any use for your child if you lose yourself. There is no shame in asking for a helping hand. There is no shame in talking to your kids about it, letting them know what you are going through. There is no shame in talking to your spouse or ex-spouse (again, only in cases of amiable separations) so they know you’re working on being better. There is no shame in looking for help in cases where you’re children are kept from you and used as a tool to hurt you. (This last case can be viewed even as child abuse, so get your ass in gear.)

Men, we need to understand that the best father any child can have is one that’s there. Sure, you might not see yourself as the father you wish you were, but know what? Fatherhood is about winging it the best you can, about being there when your son or daughter needs you. The only way you guarantee not being a good dad is by not being there as a dad. 

The Brotherhood of Men

I don’t care about whose DNA has combined with whose. When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching, they are your family.

Jim Butcher

Every time I read a post or an article expressing the solitude of being a man, the lone wolf ideology where man stands alone…in loneliness… part of me simply wonders where the hell this guy’s brothers are. I’m not talking about his biological brothers, or anything of the sort. I am talking about his ‘brothers,’ his ‘crew,’ his best man, his wingman, his ‘bro,’ his ‘brother from another mother,’ ‘compadre,’ and the list can go on.  

You see, that’s one of the most noble traits of men; one born out of respect, loyalty, trust, and (forgive me for saying so) love. Its men who stand strong as individuals, yet stronger as they become each other’s shield bearers. These are the friends you don’t need to ask for help, because they are already there helping you before you ask. They are the men who get offended when you tell them not to worry, the ones who will take up look out duty while you do something stupid. These are the ones who will smack you down when you deserve it while at the same time wouldn’t hesitate to take a bullet for you. They aren’t the best option when you need someone to bail you out of jail, as they are probably the guy sitting next to you in the same cell.

Sure, women have that sisterhood going for them, but honestly, as a man, I take it as a rule never to assume I know about the social aspects of women’s lives.

Yet, we find plenty of men out there without brothers. Why? It’s simple. Brotherhood is born out of trust. You trust your brother, as so often your life will be in his hands. To achieve this, two things must happen. First, you have to actually place your trust on someone, risking the possibility of being betrayed. Secondly, and the hardest to achieve in this self-serving society we live in, you have to give selflessly enough to someone so they can trust you. We might complain that we don’t have brothers to stand by our side, yet how many times have you stood by your brothers? How many times have you risked yourself for another man’s safety?

Here’s a reality. As self-sufficient as we want to be, we all need brothers. We all need someone with whom we can count for help during our darkest times and we can share our greatest triumphs. We need someone with whom we have enough shared experiences that can help us understand life when we don’t understand ourselves. We need someone who can lend us strength and specially common sense when we are weak. We need someone who will laugh at us when we take ourselves to seriously and someone who opens our eyes to the seriousness of a situation when we refuse to look.

Above all, we need a brother to be there so we aren’t facing the horrors of the world alone.

Stop NOT Saying Man-Up

Manhood is the defeat of childhood narcissism.

David Gilmore

I will be the first to admit that I wasn’t the easiest kid to deal with. Then again, I’m not the easiest adult to deal with either. But for all my attitude and possible arrogance, one of my mother’s lessons always stuck with me. “If you want to be treated like a grown man, behave like a grown man.” If I had the big boy pants to try to do something, I had to deal with the big boy consequences of what I did. Simple enough, right?

Some time ago, the internet went on a buzz as we began to demonize the phrase “Man Up.” SJW went on rants as how this phrase was used to instill toxic expectations on men and how the marketing media would use it to manipulate us by telling us what beer “Men” drank, what was “Manly” clothing, or what truck you had to own to be a “Real Man.” Videos and posts were shared as we went on a crusade to get rid of that degrading idea, as we realized just how evil “Man Up” is…

Till we all rejoiced how a young woman within an animated movie proved just how empowering "Man Up" is, or rather how powerful Woman Up is. You see, Man Up or Woman Up is really about Standing Up for yourself, about growing up into your responsibilities, about being accountable for your actions. We see this in the character’s take charge attitude as she is no damsel in distress. She became a role model for girls, as she showed just how strong a strong woman is.

And this theme has been repeated over and over as motivational and empowering ideals for girls and women. “Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.” Girls are taught that it’s ok to cry, just as long as you than pull yourself together and come back stronger. The result of this message? Women who take charge and take no shit.

So then, if it’s such an empowering message to give to girls, one that has enormous results in providing a positive reinforcement in their development, why do we dismiss it and even demonize it when said to men? Because that would mean that men need to GROW THE (Insert appropriate swear word here) UP! It would mean that they need to take responsibility and accountability for their actions. It means that they can’t blame anyone else for their failures or justify not doing anything because “it’s too hard.”

Gentlemen, nobody is telling you it’s unmanly to be knocked down. Nobody is telling you it’s unmanly to ask for help. Nobody is even telling you it’s unmanly to even cry. What we are telling you is that life is hard. That it will knock you down. That you will have to ask for help and you will even cry every once in a while. That’s life. What you can’t do is stay knocked down, or shell in your own shame to avoid asking for help or let your pity party keep you from moving forward. And to do that you have to put on your grown up pants and belt. You need to deal with grown up problems like a grown up. And you need to stop acting like a boy and Man Up!

I Stand A Proud Man

We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honor and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful.

C.S. Lewis

The internet is riddled with articles exposing the damaging effects of manhood’s expectations on men, on the toxic behavior that has been not only condoned but rather promoted, as a boy grows into adulthood. We blame masculinity for all the shortcomings of men today, as we try to break away from the shackles of the oppressive restrictions that men place on themselves due to gender. Yet with all this negative implications placed on men, I am left wondering about all the great men, men who have left a legacy to the world, men who prove just how great men can be. That’s when I have to ask myself, is it manhood that is toxic to men, or are we as a society become toxic to men?

You see, for every time you call out the toxicity of masculinity, I am reminded of men willing to go above and beyond to help others because it’s the right thing to do. For every comment of the chains that hold back men, I am reminded of men whose strength of character has helped make this a better world as they are the first to volunteer to be strong. For every time you tell me I should be ashamed of being a man, I stand proud in the knowledge that being a man is nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s funny how every time a man does good, social media views him as a person or an individual, but when a man does wrong, his actions are a reflection of the potential evil within all men. A good man is special and a bad one is proof that all men are the same? Really? Yes, some men are bad, but it’s not because they are men.

It isn’t manhood that has placed toxic expectations on men, but a society that has bread insecure men who feel they need to prove themselves constantly. We are trying so hard to prove how damaging masculinity that we don’t realize it’s our persecution of masculinity that is hurting men. We are creating our own self-fulfilling prophecy about broken men when it’s our own persecution, negative perspectives, and judgmental attitude that are breaking men.

We need to create men who are sure enough of themselves that they see no reason to prove their manhood. And to do this we need to stop attacking manhood. We need to stop promoting the image of a man as one who works a 9 to 5 job, but one that works 24/7 to better his character. We need to stop promoting the idea that a man needs to be the main financial provider as he needs to make more money than his wife, but rather the idea that money doesn’t define the support he gives to his family. We need to stop measuring manhood with a tape line around his bicep, the length of his penis, or the size of his cojones.

We need to stop telling men that they have to attack masculinity as a way to prove they are not being victimized by it. We need to stop telling men that their own personal faults and flaws are not their responsibility as they can blame them on masculinity. We need men who know that they are responsible for themselves and the kind of man they can be!

But to be this kind of man, to understand this kind of manhood, we need to start looking at what men can do and what manhood offers them. Manhood is what gives your life priorities, as you calmly step away from the narcissism and selfishness of childhood. Manhood is defined by what you are willing to do to take care of your family, your friends, and your community. Manhood is defined by the bond you have with brothers you share no blood with. Manhood is defined by what you are willing to do past your own comfort. Manhood is having personal honor and a moral code that defines your behavior more than any laws of the land. Manhood is having the character to hold yourself accountable for your own actions. Manhood is about trying to be a better man for one simple reason, to be able to face life’s challenges proudly on your feet as a man.