The first step toward change is
awareness. The second step is acceptance.
Nathaniel
Branden
Some time ago, I wrote about the
importance of understanding that you can’t change anyone. People
need to change for themselves. What you can do is inspire them to change.
And it’s that inspiration that leads most men to change, to want to be more, to
be better. Many times this change is a realization of how they need to be a
better friend, a better son, a better brother, a better husband, or a better
father. With that understanding, the man sets off to grow into a better person,
inspired by how they can be more for someone they love; they are confronted with
an unexpected result.
The person doesn’t see it.
I know that you should change for
yourself, to become a better person because, well, you don’t change to impress
others. You do change to be a better man, and as a result, become more for
those around you. But if we are able to get off the moralistic high horse and be
completely honest, having those who inspired your change to recognize it gives
us a sense of validation, further inspiration to move forward. Yet, let me warn
you right now. Those who are the closest to you are probably the last to notice
your change.
Think of it this way. You realize
that you need to lose weight, so you go on a diet and start working out. You adjust
your eating habits and your lifestyle to achieve the goal. Before anyone
notices, you start to see the changes. By the 4th week, your
clothing starts to fit better or even loose. Nobody has said anything yet, as
these minor changes aren’t that evident. By week 8, maybe a coworker or a
friend you haven’t seen in a while compliments you on your weight loss.
Ironically, those that see you every day constantly haven’t said a word about
it. Maybe, if you’re lucky, after a couple of months, those around you will
notice the change.
The reason for this is simple, they
see you every day. Gradual change isn’t that easy to see. Your change is like a
rock being slowly eroded by the weather into a new shape. To those who see the
rock every day, they don’t see any change, but to those who see it every once
in a while, this change isn’t as gradual. But unlike weight loss or an eroding
rock, you can’t really track personal change. There isn’t a scale that can weigh
neither integrity nor character.
The reality is, like the rock being
weathered and eroded; you are trying to chip away at the image those close to
you have created for years and years. It’s ironic how your past actions and
attitude, the same ones you want to change as you realize how they affect those
around you, are the same ones that make it difficult to those around you to see
your change. You have to understand and become aware that you can’t change an
opinion that you forged for several years in just a few months of change.
The good news is that they probably
have included your change to their image of you; they just haven’t become aware
of it. Our image of someone is created by our subconscious, so these opinions
change and adjust without our realization. You just need to give the person
time to make the realization of just how much you have changed.
But, there are a couple of ways to
help the person realize how you have changed…
I have to bring this up before we
move on. Some people don’t want to see you change. Their image of you justifies
their attitude towards you or the fact that you changed into someone better
exposes their insecurities. Be observant as these people will try to hinder any
change you try to do to make yourself into more.
As I said, there are two ways to
help make someone aware of your change.
The first is to become aware of how
much the other person has changed and become more. We tend to focus on
ourselves, and quite often fall into the same behavior we criticize on others.
Look at the other person and become aware of how they have changed in a
positive way. Compliment them on this. Awareness and positivity is just as contagious
as criticism and negativity. Affect their attitude and perception by adjusting
your own. As they realize how you are aware of their growth, they will become
aware of your own.
The second is to make a change that
isn’t so gradual. Change the way they see you by doing a change they will see
every day. It forces the person to reset how they see you. Have you had a
mustache or a beard all your life? Shave it. You’ve always been a clean shaven man? Grow a
beard. Shave your head, or color out your greys, or get contacts to get rid of
your glasses. The idea is to basically dynamite the previous image they had of
you, shatter that shell to show off the new you. As they see you every day in a
way that doesn’t quite fit your previous image, they will start to reshape
their image of you.
With all that’s said, keep in mind
that as much as you might appreciate having your efforts recognized, receiving recognition isn’t why you decided to change. Take the time to see how your change is helping
those around you. Recognize your own efforts and the effects your change has on those around you. Also consider how those around you might be well
aware of your change. They just understand that helping you in your change is
more important than applauding your change.
