The Cult to Averageness and the Persecution of Excellence

You have competition every day because you set such high standards for yourself that you have to go out every day and live up to that.

Michael Jordan

The last few weeks, we have seen social media buzzing with the wonders of the “Dad-Body” as the new fad in male body types. In most cases, I usually ignore internet fads, as they tend to be as relevant as they are permanent. Yet in this case, I found it more amusing than ever, as this fad in particular, and its resulting discussion, placed yet again the limelight on an aspect of society that has grown within social media’s ability to give the masses a voice;

The Cult to Average and the Persecution of Excellence.

The cult of Average is this idea that we are all good enough. And that’s true, we are. We see it in every aspect, ranging from beauty to intelligence, from financial success to physical fitness. It’s the idea that we are perfect just as we are, and there is no real need to try to be better. It gets to the point where people expect applause and adulation simply for resisting the need to be better! And that’s where it gets really messed up.

In an attempt to resist the “social pressures” to be better, they will condemn anyone who chooses to be better. We see this when in our discourse of “all bodies are beautiful” the follow up is basically “except those who make an effort to look good. They deserve our hate.”  The same goes into every other aspect. We need to demonize anyone who’s successful, anyone who looks good, anyone who’s educated, and the list goes on. We see it in the generalized idea that anyone with physical beauty or fitness must be a narcissist, that genius is accompanied by arrogance or that financial success can only be achieved by having no moral standards.

The amazing thing about this social condemnation of excellence is how being above average is only acceptable when it comes accompanied with acceptable flaws, as if the flaws compensate for the additional efforts of the person. We see it in the socially awkward genius, or the dumb, but lovable, jock, or the clumsy beauty.

All of these negative aspects are assigned to excellence because excellence exposes the averageness of others. Nobody is born in excellence, that’s the result of discipline, dedication, and a lot of effort. The problem is that the same people who profess not being superficial only see the superficial picture. They neither see nor care to see the work that lead to excellence. It’s easy to assume that beauty, physical fitness, or intelligence is only the result of genetics or that artistic or athletic skills are the result of natural talent, or that financial success is the result of getting an inheritance. This attitude only serves as an excuse to minimize the work and effort of those who achieve excellence.

Genetics, natural talent, and, even to a degree, inheritance only benefit you at the starting point. What counts is what you do with what you have. That’s what determines how far you can go. Let’s stop celebrating averageness as the best we can achieve as individuals. Stop assuming that the limitations society places on you are the highest standards you deserve to put on yourself. Effort, discipline, and self-sacrifice will always trump the small minds and insecurities of others.

How To Become A Noble Man:

There are complete men and incomplete men. If you would be a complete man, put all of your soul's strength into all of your life's actions.

Eugenio Maria de Hostos

I once asked my grandfather how I could become a Caballero. He looked at me, somewhat amused at the question. He took a sip of his coffee and told me another story.

Do you know what's hell? Hell is the day you meet the man you could have become and then look into a mirror and see the man you actually became.

Many people will over complicate who they are simply to excuse not being more. They will complain that they don’t have the time to spend with their kids, yet have no problem making time to watch the ball game. They will complain how eating healthy is expensive, yet have no problem spending almost $10 in a Mocha Latte Triple Macchiato. They will complain how they wished they could be more romantic with their partner, yet spend their nights playing Call of Duty.

This is especially true within the “Social Justice Circle” as they will create morally acceptable excuses to do little while at the same time get a cheerleading section to back up their apathy. “I don’t dress up because I am my own man and magazines can’t tell me how to look.” “I am beautiful just as I am, so I’m planning to let myself go to a point that, even though I might be disgusting, I’m still beautiful.” “I swear like a trucker and treat others like shit because you can’t judge me.” “How dare you (work out/dress up/actually educate yourself enough on a topic to question my opinion). You’re the problem, not me!”

Personally, I am too tired to fight that fight, calling out all the bullshit excuses people use to actually do little for themselves. Because the reality is, it’s not that complicated to become a better man, or a better person. It’s not easy, but it’s not that complicated.

Start by defining who you want to be, what makes a better man in your eyes. Look at those around you, what do they do that inspires you? Do you want to be more dependable? More romantic? More honorable? Throw into the mix anything and everything you think makes a better man, a better you.

You know what you just did? You just created your own role model. In a society where role models are few and far between, having your own in your back pocket is more than just a social hack, it’s a survival tool.

Now for the hard part. Become that man. This takes work, self-sacrifice, and determination. It takes throwing away the ability to make excuses for your own behavior. You want to be more educated? Force yourself to study. You want to be more skilled at something? Force yourself to practice. You want to be there for those who you care about? STOP MAKING BULLSHIT EXCUSES AS TO WHY YOU'RE NOT THERE!

But here’s a little trick. Role play that man you want to become. Act out the qualities he has while you grow. Use him as a shell, as a suit that still fits to big, one that you will grow into. In simpler terms. Fake it till you make it.

After a while you will notice that the suit seems to shrink and fit better. The reality is that it’s not the mold that shrinks, but that you grow. And after a while you won’t need the mold any more as you became the man you wanted to become.

It might not be easy, but it’s really that simple.

Old Traditions And New Worlds

Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.

Pablo Picasso

Many of those who read my posts comment and compliment my support to the old traditions and old virtues of life. Some of those who don’t agree with me do so under the ideals that change is inevitable and that we must cast aside old traditions to give way to a better future. So…Who is right? Is the older generation’s support of time tested traditions better? Or is it the younger generation’s desire to bravely go into uncharted lands better?

If I am to be completely honest, I have to say both.

Life is the result of a constant evolution, redefinition, and reinvention. But this isn’t about change for change’s sake. It’s about understanding why things were done in a specific way and why they worked. Then, and only then, can we try to change them, or at least develop them into something more. Old isn’t always right and New isn’t always better.

Doing something in a specific way simply because “that’s the way it’s always done” is the worst reason imaginable to do it that way. We must always try to consider why it was done that way. And usually there is a very good reason behind it, and that’s why we keep doing the same thing over and over.

The older generation needs to understand that change has been a constant in life, and they don’t need to feel threatened by it. Things no longer useful should be discarded as they only serve to hold us back.

Changing something simply because “change is good” is also the worst reason why things might need change. Dismissing the old simply because it’s old is literally ignoring all our previous experience and knowledge before making a decision.  

The younger generation needs to understand that they are no more special than every single generation that came before them. Things that work shouldn’t be discarded, but rather improved upon. And we can only do this after we learn and understand them.

We need to understand traditions but we also need to understand the need to challenge them. Only when something has stood against being challenged can it be of any true value to you. There needs to be a balance between the old and the new within your life. Only when you appreciate what has come before you can you move on.

Do We Really Let Men Be Better?

I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinions of himself than on the opinions of others.

Marcus Aurelius

For the longest time since I began Being Caballero, I was confused over who my main audience was. When I looked at Facebook’s media matrix, I just couldn’t understand how my largest audience was men between 25-45, yet they were the ones who least “engaged” with my posts. I saw how “Dating Advice” or “Business Empowerment” sites had better movement among my main audience. I actually considered redefining out target mission because of it, especially since a few of these sites had approached me a couple of time. That’s till I received a message from “Andrew from New York.”

Mr Caballero, As a 30 year old newlywed I often find myself thinking about the kind of person, the kind of man I would like to be for my wife and future family. I just want to tell you how much I appreciate your thought-provoking writings about character and all your shared nuggets of wisdom. Your content is in its own class, and so refreshing in a sea of click-bait noise and "list" articles that do nothing for the soul. Please continue to do what you do and know that you are making a tremendous impact. Thank you, Andrew

Before you all think I post these kind of private messages as a habit, I actually asked his permission beforehand. We get those every once in a while, usually keeping them private. Yet this one was different, since as I wrote my response to his message I came to an epiphany. It’s not that men don’t want to become better; it’s that we have told them that wanting to just be better is wrong and something to hide.

All these “Dating Training” or “Business Empowerment” sites and workshops provide men with an excuse to be better, as they offer an endgame mentality. Train with them, you’ll get more women or follow their system and you’ll make more money. Both of these pursuits (women and money) are actually more acceptable within our society than wanting to be a better man. Ironically, neither money nor casual relationships are a true measure of the kind of man you are. We, as a society, have made men think that wanting to be better is an admission of weakness, that there is something wrong that you need to fix.   

Let’s do a mental exercise so I can better illustrate what I mean.

Let’s take a good look at “John” and what we have taught him about being a man. John love poetry but is afraid to let his friends know about it, as they will probably ridicule him. He will hide his online history from everyone, not because he is searching porn, but because he doesn’t want anyone finding out his reading list. He posts online using a pseudonym to avoid anyone knowing about his talent. He will sneak into composition and literature classes yet will hide in the back of the classroom to avoid anyone noticing, specially the teacher. He will go to poetry readings, yet will hide out in the dark corner of the club. When his friends find out about his interests, he will excuse it as he “learned it to pick up chicks.” This excuse will actually get him the approval of his friends.

Why does John go through all this trouble to hide his passion? Because he’s afraid that that his friends will consider his interests in poetry as something that lessens his masculinity. He's afraid that women will think of him as weak for having a genuine interest developing his art. He's afraid of seeming as a man with no real interests in his financial future as art is dismissed as a flight of fancy.

We need to let men know that there is nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself with no endgame in mind. We need to let men know that there is no shame in having a passion and that wanting to be better doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you to begin with. We need to let men know that self-betterment isn’t something you do when your young and we actually need to teach our young men that they can always be better. Because the truth is, no matter how good you are, you can always be better.