"Opening doors for my Daughter." Guest Contribution

Every time I post an article on GMP about taking accountability for yourself and for those around you, I do so knowing full well how a large group of guys will start complaining why they should even care. And even though I know full well it will happen, it still saddens to know that so many men are only thinking about what affects them in their own limited reality.

But then things like this pop up, and restore my hope of humanity, specifically of men within humanity. As I did my usual FB run during my afternoon commute, I ran into this Status Update from David Karpel, a fellowGMP Author and Blogger. Keep in mind Mr. Karpel is not one of those hardcore “Chivalry/Gentlemen” activist, like me and a few others. He is one of those men who exemplify the Warrior-Poet.

"This June will be 20 years that Marni and I are married on the solar calendar (Gimmel Tammuz, 1994). Before that we dated for almost four years. In all the years we've been together, she can probably count on one hand how many times she's opened a door for herself when she's with me. I was not raised to do this. It's just something, a small act, that I've always believed she deserves. I don't feel I'm patronizing or belittling or being anti-feminist, nor do I find the act to be super macho. And I'm not writing this to pat myself on the back. 

It's this: with my wife, I'm raising a daughter.

She's an awesome kid who is fierce, intelligent, beautiful, and growing up fast. Yesterday, I couldn't go to the gym to train. With the extra time, I invited Chana to go to Walmart with me to do some shopping. She responded enthusiastically, so we were set to go. I get to the car to start opening my own door and catch a glimpse of her waiting at the passenger side door. 

Whispering in my conscious was a voice: You are her example of a man, what a man should be, how a man should treat the women in his life. Out of my mouth came, almost to myself, that beginning of something that doesn't need to end, "You know what..." 

Yeah, I know what. And so I walked around the car to open the door for my daughter. Any future choson (groom) should treat her like the kallah (bride) she will be: a queen in his life. And as her father, it is my responsibility to train her to find the kind of man that will treat her as she deserves to be treated."

If you find this FB status impressive, you should look over his articles on GMP and his Blog, Jew Jitsu, Life in search of the Soul Roll.

Sprezzatura, the Skill of Humility.

Practice in everything a certain nonchalance that shall conceal design and show that what is done and said is done without effort and almost without thought.

Baldassare Castiglione

Have you ever dealt with people who will constantly remind you just how difficult their work is? Do they work from crisis to crisis? How does that attitude affect those around them? Very few things are as distressing as having, not only to deal with the project at hand, but with the constant stress of dealing with the person on the edge of a nervous breakdown or constantly bragging about how indispensable their skill and how much better than you they are. Yet we live in a culture that discourages and is suspicious of discretion and restraint.

The ultimate paradox is how we applaud those who show careless mastery of a skill, give a sense of confidence to those around them, who can reassure even the unbelievers with a quick smile and a “I got this shit.”

And that, Gentlemen, is called Sprezzatura. 

Sprezzatura is that confidence exuded while doing things as a second nature, that ineffectual natural calmness. The confidence, the natural calmness? There lies the hardest part. The reality is these are to calm those around us. We might be just as worried, just as stressed, just as nervous; but our role is to provide that confidence and comfort in those around us. 

We, as Gentlemen, must develop an attitude of discretion, restraint, and, as a result, humility. This restraint, and the etiquette supporting it, is to give us a chance to negotiate slowly and carefully how to handle a situation. The ability to pause before acting and then to act sensibly is a developable skill.

A man who has Sprezzatura is content with himself. He doesn’t need to justify his actions. More so, he might even prefer they not be understood. His actions, including his carefully chosen words, speak for him. 

Suddenly humility and discretion become power. People trust you because you ARE trustworthy. It may call upon every bit of your strength to restrain yourself from saying or doing more than you should, for you might run dangerously close to arrogance and insecurity. It is Sprezzatura a combination of an effortless elegance but also a strenuous self-control. It defines a man’s power: the stronger and wiser he is, the gentler his manner. And it is the difference between being a Gentleman and a man doing “gentlemanly things.”

The stronger you become, the Gentler you must be.

When your temper rises, lower your fists. When your fists rise, lower your temper.

Chojun Miyagi

The recent events between Jay Z and Solange Knowles brought back a constant comment from those who argue against Gentlemanly behavior and chivalry. 

Can a man hit a woman if she attacks him?

For those that have no idea what happened, there was security camera footage of Ms. Knowles attacking Jay Z, at which point he did not hit back. The reactions were varied and complex by most media outlets. Most women applauded his refusal to fight back. Some men complained that it’s wrong for a woman to attack a man knowing he will not fight back.

Before we even start, let me make my stance absolutely clear so there is no confusion:

1. A Gentleman must not hit a Lady. 
2. A Woman who hits a Gentleman is still accountable for her actions.

For some strange incomprehensible reason, some men think the only option when being hit is to hit back. Without looking at the man/woman situation in the equation, let’s look at the entire fist fighting situation. We are no longer in elementary school, grow up. If a person attacks you, they are baiting you to attack back. If you have to use your fists to solve a problem, you already lost. If the other person has lost control, your obligation is to contain the situation, not escalate it. If you hit back, you are no longer defending, you just became the aggressor. 

I will admit that I would handle a situation between a male aggressor and a female aggressor very differently. In my training days, I would never spar with a woman, not because she was weaker, but because I could not forgive myself if I hurt her. Then again, I would train women to fight merciless when confronted with a male opponent. When most men are forced to fight, it’s for dominance. When most women are forced to fight, it’s to save their lives.

I am not saying that women aren’t willing to be aggressors. Neither am I saying that men should accept the fact that they will have to “take it” if a woman hits you. An aggression is an aggression. Let the authorities handle it. But I will always prefer to be called a coward than to become an abuser. 

Setting examples on being a Gentleman.

The gentleman understands social righteousness; the petty man only understands personal profit.

Confucius

Every time I hear about how being a gentleman is simply having manners, or impressing women, or being sexist, or anything along those superficial lines, I get frustrated. I also understand how there is still so much to do to make us more Noble as men. But other times, I am sent gems, nuggets of inspirations, that re-establishes my hope on men. This has got to be one of the best I have received up to now.

One day I was driving my girlfriend to get dinner when I saw two kids bullying a smaller kid. I slammed on my brakes got out of the car and yelled as they ran away. I let the boy use my cell phone to call his mother and waited with him until she showed up, crying uncontrollably and thanking me over and over. We said goodbye, I got in the car and my girlfriend immediately berated me, saying she was so embarrassed that I did that and now we missed our reservation. She demanded I take her somewhere else. So I did. I promptly drove her home, where I then broke up with her for being the most heartless person alive. The look on her face was priceless.

I do not know who wrote this, but it exemplifies everything I believe a Gentleman is. It’s not about impressing a woman, or showing superiority. If anything it shows how selfishness and nobility can be found everywhere, and how you have to choose the people you want to surround yourself with.