Challenging Men’s Culture of Entitlement in Times of Mass Shootings

(I originally posted this article in Good Men Project back in June 20, 2014 after the Isla Vista killings. 4 years later and NOTHING has changed.)

Helen: Everyone’s special, Dash.

Dash: [muttering] Which is another way of saying no one is.

The Incredibles (2004)

As we horribly wait for the next school shooting, which should happen in a couple of weeks if the prevalent pattern continues, we desperately try to find answers and solutions. We try to empathize with the killers, if for no other reason, out of guilt for failing these young men. You would think with the 74 school shootings within the last 18 months, we would have a clear profile by now. Yet, to date, the FBI’s attempts to profile school shooters haven’t found a determinative set of specific traits they consider good predictors. These were ordinary men and boys who chose out of the ordinary actions to express themselves… And there lies the profile, “Ordinary Young Men.”

We quickly make assumptions about the shooter being a misunderstood social outcast, victim of bullying with untreated mental illnesses and abusive parents. The reality is quite different. Many school shooters were honor roll students from “good” communities and affluent two-parent homes, and many didn’t have serious problems at school. They had friends, participated in extracurricular activities, and lead “normal” lives. But after the fact, many left journals and manifestos explaining how they felt wronged, how life was unfair, and how they were pushed to do what they did.

And we begin to feel sorry for them and our guilt kicks in. Did we really ignore the suffering of these young men? Did we bully them into retribution? Did we ignore all the signs of mental illness evident to cause these disasters? Is our society really this messed up?

And then, one interesting bit of information pops up. FBI studies show that school shooters tended to feel an exaggerated sense of entitlement, and that they reacted negatively when they were not treated the way they felt they were entitled to be treated. This sense of entitlement usually promotes an expressed intolerant attitude toward racial, ethnic, or religious minorities, as well as towards women and the LGBT community; all groups they view as being given unfair “special treatment.” This results in a sense of “aggrieved entitlement”, and as they view themselves as someone who “should be” at the top of the social order, this heightens their sense of being mistreated. When we take this into account, we begin to realize true magnitude of the problem.

As we think of criminal violence, we have the idea of the chaotic city, where random shootings done by “bad guys” carrying illegal guns happen every day. This fear has led to a rise of the “safer” homogenous community. What they have failed to realize is this kind of community is exactly where active shooter situations happen. Almost all school shootings happen in suburban and rural districts with multiple seemingly random or unspecific targets. The vast majority of these events were committed with guns purchased legally. Most of the killings were committed with semi-automatic hand guns or assault rifles.

But as psychologists try to create a profile of mass shooters, they are hit with the problem of “ordinariness.” As we try to create a relationship between mental health and active shooters; the reality is that most people with mental illness are not violent.

Many mass shootings are motivated by revenge or envy. That’s why many take place at a school or a workplace where shooters felt rejected. But again, to what degree is this feel a result of an exaggerated sense of entitlement, and to what degree is it actual rejection? These killers often exhibit risk factors that are generally tied to criminality: a history of abusive behavior, a tendency to hurt animals, a sadistic streak, self-centeredness, and a lack of compassion.

They plan out their actions and research their intended target area. In around 80% of school shootings at least one person had information that the attacker was thinking about or planning the school attack. In nearly 2/3, more than one person had information about the attack before it occurred. But how can this happen right under our noses without anyone noticing? We DO notice, but we choose to look the other way. And that’s where we have failed as a society.

The shooter may have journals; videos which they may send out to media outlets just before the attack or leave them accessible to the police. They may play off the notoriety of such events, fantasying about the infamy they will receive. At its core, these shootings are nothing more than an extreme demonstration of Trolling, an exhibition of egotistical narcissism to challenge the ordinary lives they lead.

We tell our kids every day just how special they are, and how proud we are of them no matter what. We love to brag as to how we feed their need to feel accepted, loved, and cared for, even if we don’t actually do it. We will fight any teacher who says they aren’t good enough or insult any coach who doesn’t take them into the team. We will sweep under the rug any problems they got into because that’s what a parent does. We will stand and fight for them, no matter what, because it’s our kid, and they are special and unique and the best kid around. Just like every other kid in their neighborhood.

Some embrace this sameness, others are eaten by it.

And we see the results of this attitude expressed all over society. From this perspective, we can realize how Elliot Rodger’s actions were a result of this aggrieved entitlement, and not just his hatred towards women. We can understand where a comment like “being sexually assaulted is a coveted status” comes from and the need to walk around with a fully loaded high powered rifle to go and pick up a box of Oreos. They create a disconnect with reality, where the only thing that matters is being the center of attention. They openly want the position of martyr, because at least as a martyr they are somebody. With all the media coverage, a school shooting is the ultimate demonstration of this attitude.

There is a way we can fix this situation and it’s creating a mentality of empathy, but not in the way you think. It’s not about being empathic with the boys, but about teaching them empathy. We need to fight the current society of self-centered narcissistic trolls that promotes this current trend of notoriety hunting. We need to stop worrying about the world we are leaving our children and start focusing what kind of children we are leaving the world.

Ladies, We Need Your Help

There are two ways of exerting one’s strength:

One is pushing down,

The other is pulling up.

Booker T. Washington

Ladies,

Usually I will post here, specifically directing my words to men, as most of what is posted here is focused on men becoming more, on working on themselves, not to impress women, but to better themselves. I have mentioned how this is a path they must walk by themselves as they take accountability for their own actions and development.

We understand how men need to be allies to women’s fight for gender equality and social justice. We see the importance of men becoming allies and taking up an active participation on women’s issues in campaigns such as #HeForShe and Man Up. We are aware of the awful statistics of what women have to deal with and have learned how men can challenge a sexist culture by simply standing up against what’s expected from them as guys.

But now, I am asking for your help as women.

All too often, society doesn’t see the flip side of the coin, as it assumes that men’s issues are reduced to men whining about not getting a date or, at best, men having unrealistic expectations placed on them due to gender stereotypes. The reality is a lot more palpable than just fighting social expectations and it’s a reality that’s killing us; sometimes metaphorically while other times literally.

Did you know that 1 in 4 men are victims of domestic violence? Did you know that 1 in 6 men are victims of sexual abuse since they are boys? Did you know that even though society admits men and women are equally capable as parents, after a divorce only 14% of men gain primary custody? And those without it, did you know they are usually only allowed to see their kids every other weekend. That’s only 4 days a month for those mathematically challenged.

Did you know that there are very few support groups and even less resources available to create awareness to issues like these or help men deal? The funny thing is that when they exist, these are under constant attack and ridicule by those unwilling to recognize the reality of many men. If you knew all of this, then it probably doesn’t surprise you that, even though suicide rates have gone down, in the case of men between the ages of 40-55, they have actually gone up. This has become such an issue that currently 80% of all suicides are committed by men.

Society as a whole is killing us and then it blames us for it.

And this is why I’m asking for your help. Men are told to look for help, but when they actually stretch out their hand looking for a life line; it’s slapped away by both other men and women who refuse to see the problem. Gender issues and challenges are treated as an open war between the sexes where each group plays up their own challenges, expecting empathy and help, while dismissing what others go through.

We need to stop viewing the world as two different worlds, but at a single world where we have both been responsible for the good and bad each gender goes through. Just as it’s important for men to become allies to women, it’s also important for women to become allies to men. For that reason, I ask for your help.

Men can’t change the world alone just as women can’t either.

If You’re Destined To Be A Warrior, Be One With A Cause.

Warriors are not what you think of as warriors. The warrior is not someone who fights, because no one has the right to take another life. The warrior, for us, is one who sacrifices himself for the good of others.

His task is to take care of the elderly, the defenseless, those who cannot provide for themselves, and, above all, the children, the future of humanity.

Sitting Bull

Every so often I like to bring attention to Gentlemen who have taken opon themselves to make this world a little better simply because it’s the right thing to do. I have mentioned before importance of organizations like the Café Sospeso, the Brothers for Sisters, and That Suits You. Today, I bring you one that I learned about last year, one that exemplifies that a modern warrior scholar should be, Bikers Against Child Abuse.

Some men are forged by a hard life and become hard themselves. These men don’t shy away from the stereotypes that society places on them, but rather embrace it as an honor. Bikers are like this. Their badass aura and an even worse reputation sometimes don’t always reflect their gentle hearts and honorable intentions. But instead of trying to conform within society, some use what could be considered a social stigma, and use it for good.

Children who have been the victims of abuse live in constant fear, as usually their abusers were someone they trusted.  To them, that monster hiding in their closet or under their bed is more real than what it should be. Even if their abuser is no longer around, the fear is still there. So how do you handle a scary monster? By getting an even scarier champion.

Even kids know that nobody messes with bikers. Bikers look big, and strong, and mean, both in real life and in how they are portrayed on television and in films. They are easy riders, sons of anarchy, not afraid of anything and, more importantly, they take care of their own. A child who has been abused by someone bigger and stronger knows too well what it feels like to be small and vulnerable. BACA shifts that balance, by putting even bigger and stronger people, a lot of them, on the child's side.

If ever the child feels threatened, scared, or simply wants someone to be there, they simply have to call, and a couple of riders will come by. They are there to provide a safe environment, a place for the child to feel secure. This might be to scare of the abuser, to walk with the kid to school, or simply to stand guard all night in front of the house to scare off nightmares.

Not everyone is accepted within the BACA. These men train for their duty, as many are actual social workers and all are required to pass a string of background checks and training courses to deal with the emotional strain of their duty. But instead of trying to explain their ideology, I think their creed says it better than I could.

I am a member of Bikers Against Child Abuse. The die has been cast. The decision has been made. I have stepped over the line. I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.

My past has prepared me, my present makes sense, and my future is secure. I’m finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I dont have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by the faith in my works, and lean on the strength of my brothers and sisters. I love with patience, live by prayer, and labor with power.

My fate is set, my gait is fast, my goal is the ultimate safety of children. My road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are tried and true, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won’t give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and showed up for all wounded children. I must go until I drop, ride until I give out, and work till He stops me. And when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me, for He will see my BACA back patch and know that I am one of His. I am a member of Bikers Against Child Abuse, and this is my creed.

BACA Creed 

Hope, Sadness, and Anger. All thanks to nail polish.

What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like.

Saint Augustine

A few months ago, the internet went on a buzz over what some could consider the most mundane of things; a nail polish. But this was no ordinary nail polish, but one that would change color when exposed to some of the most common “Date Rape” drugs out there. Developed by four NCSU male students, this product has been the cause of some ridiculous controversy online, but more on that and why I explicitly stated that it were male students later.

Date Rape Drugs are nothing new, as it has been a concern of many women and men who frequent the club scene for years. The typical scenario is that the drug is slipped into the person’s drink. They won’t realize they have been drugs till it’s too late, if they realize it at all. And products to detect these drugs are nothing new, available in the form of cards and test strips. There are even workshops to teach women how to Drink Safe. So why the controversy? It wasn’t till I had an interesting conversation with a rather opinionated and pro-feminist woman that I realized a few things, as her comments were rather interesting.

First off, she told me how the fact that it was men who developed this, and not women, gave her hope in men today. The reasoning is quite simple. As men, they are probably not going to have to deal with either Date Rape Drugs, nor will they probably use Nail Polish. This product in no way helps them or protects them directly. Sure, they will benefit financially, but the reality is that this came about as a means to protect women from a very real and ever present threat.

She actually went even farther as to say that she would have been saddened if it had been women. That would have meant that probably this was a response to having dealt with this issue in a personal manner. That is why many of the current test strips and workshops came about, organized and developed by a woman who wants to keep other women from suffering the same situation.

And then she got to the controversy, and that’s when she went ballistic.

Several feminist websites are going all out against what is basically a drug testing tool. Their complaint is how this product does not help out women.

"We should be trying to stop rape, not just individually avoid it."

I could not have made this comment up if I tried. Apparently rape is not something that is individually suffered. Some have gone as far as to try and discredit the viability of the product; product that has already been tested and proven. Some have even gone as far as saying that this product promotes the use of Date Rape Drugs!

And that is when I went ballistic. I agree, with the logic behind some of the comments stated in these sites; women shouldn’t need products like these. But the reality is we live in a world where monsters (not willing to even consider them human) are willing to drug a person. And while we fight this problem and change the world, we cannot deny the reality of the world. This product provides an additional tool for women to avoid becoming victims of these monsters.

Several years ago, I taught an Anti-Rape Self Defense Class to women. The intention of this class was simply to provide them with the tools necessary that if the situation arose, they would be a little better prepared, and hopefully be able to escape. Does this mean that I am promoting rape? According to these feminist sites, Yes.

I am horrified how they site are using something that could help out women, and ridicule it, simply to drag hits to their sites. In this particular case, they seem more interested in creating controversy (creating movement in their site) than actually helping or recognizing the benefits of the product, as they haven’t done the same attacks to women developed workshops for safe drinking or existing products.

We need to view things for what they are, we need to view any step forward as a step forward. And we seriously need to stop the “if it doesn’t fix all our problems, let’s not even try it.” As a fellow blogger/writer Alex Yarde once said, “because you can't do everything doesn't absolve you from doing something."

Why a Gentleman must keep the fighter within him alive.

I've always been a fighter. If you tell me I can't, I'll die trying to prove you wrong.

R. A. Salvatore

Before we even start, remember that gentlemanly manners originated in military traditions. Combat training and social training were an integral part of each other. Even the old-school Gentlemen who didn’t belong to the military would still train as fighters. It was part of a man’s formation to train in some form of fighting, be it Boxing, Savaté, Fencing, Wrestling, or whatever other combat style was available. Colleges and Social clubs would have boxing halls.

If you ask someone why that was, they might say it was to be skilled enough to defend a lady’s honor. That is a huge misconception for several reasons. If a lady is in peril, the worst thing you can do is to actually get involved in a fight with her aggressor. Your priority should be to get her as far away from danger as possible, as fast as possible. If to do that, you need to deal with the aggressor, so be it, but the most important thing here is to get her out of danger, not to prove how Macho you are.

Becoming a fighter is not about beating people up, but about beating discipline into yourself. And here is where most people who have never trained in fighting get confused. Keep in mind there is a huge difference between a Fighter and a Brawler. A fighter trains to be able to fight. A brawler just wants to fight. For those who have never practiced any martial arts seriously, let me break it down. Keep in mind that all these lessons translate directly to your everyday life.

• You become a student.

When you fight, you fight to become better. So being confronted with a worthy opponent challenges you to fight better. At that moment, he becomes your teacher. The better the teacher, the more the student learns.

• You become a teacher.

The fact that you got hit means that your opponent is learning and becoming better. You understand that it’s not all about you, but about how you help others become better. You start to worry about your opponent, and understand that there is no lesson to be taught by abusing someone.

• You learn to adapt to different situations.

Each opponent is different, and even the same opponent is different every time you meet. You have to learn to read their fighting style; they body language and their rhythm. You must adapt and adjust to what works best against them. As they do the same with you, you must constantly be re-evaluating your strategy and changing it.

• You learn to control your temper.

Fighting is a physical and mental contest. You will get hit, you will get hurt. As soon as you accept this, there is no reason to get mad about it. You learn that as soon as you start fighting angry, you start making mistakes.

• You will appreciate when you get hit.

I know this sounds strange, but getting hit when you fight is a learning experience. You get hit because you made a mistake, because your fighting became predicable, or simply because your opponent was able to get past your defense. Whatever the reason, it is a learning experience.

• You learn humility, fast.

Nothing is more humbling than having your ass handed to you. You learn that it just takes one lucky shot to knock you down, one that can come from even a beginner.

• You learn to get back up.

As I said at the beginning, you will get hit and you will get hurt. You have to learn to get past the initial hurt, the sudden shock to the system and the fear and self-doubt that comes from being knocked down, and get back into the fight as soon as possible. That act alone makes you a better fighter.

• You learn that winning is not about hitting hard but by never quitting.

You learn that it’s not the strong fighter you have to respect, but the determined one. Anyone can hit hard, not everyone can fight with determination. What is a determined fighter? The one that fights focused the one that never gives up.