A Gentleman’s Chivalry Acts Explained in Practicality.

I have always been of the mind that in a democracy manners are the only effective weapons against the bowie-knife.

James Russell Lowell

We can find countless articles online praising and criticizing the most evident acts of Chivalry a Gentleman can do towards a lady; holding doors open, opening car doors, and pulling chairs. Those that comment against them, usually do so out of either a lack of manners or simply not understanding why these acts are done. I can’t really blame their ignorance on the topic, because they are not really interested in it. What really surprises me is the lack of understanding by those who profess being Gentlemen. That is why so many of those “Is Chivalry dead” debates end up with the Gentleman thrashed by their counterpart.

If you don’t understand what you are doing and more importantly WHY you are doing it, your actions become simply a pantomime, and imitation, that ends up looking awkward. This is especially true if we don’t have a sense of empathy towards the person in the receiving end of the action. Keep in mind that manners are nothing more than a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use. With that in mind, let’s break down the practicality of some of the more typical actions that can be expected from a Gentleman.

Opening a door for a Lady

Let me start by clarifying, this has nothing to do with a Gentleman thinking women can’t open their own doors. It came from two specific traditions, the overelaborate clothing women used to wear and the role of the Gentleman as a Bodyguard. First off, a woman’s skirt was so wide, they couldn’t even reach the door handle. That is no longer the case, so we don’t need to take this into account any longer. The second is the role of the Bodyguard, of creating a safe environment for women. This is something that still needs to be maintained and even promoted.

A gentleman will open a door first, making sure that the room is safe for her to enter. As she enters, he is able to scan the surroundings to make sure that the area is safe. As he enters after her, the lady is kept from having her back to the door. You might think this seems somewhat paranoid and overly cautious. Just take a few minutes viewing some of the stories of what the ladies have to deal with in a daily basis, and then tell me I am being overly cautious.

Walking a Lady to her door.

Again, as with opening doors, this is all about providing a safe environment for the Lady. Just refer to “Opening a door for a Lady” for a better explanation.

 Pulling chairs

Again, a lady can sit down without assistance. This tradition again came from the elaborate dresses of old. But can we really get rid of it? This actually depends on how the Lady is dressed. If she is wearing anything other than a skirt, yes. But if she is wearing a skirt, the lady will probably try to fold it under her legs so it sets properly as she sits down. Now, how is she going to be able to do this AND pull the chair at once?  Gentlemen, doesn’t take much to be decent.

 Paying

I am tired of clearing this up. Who makes the invite, pays. It’s that simple. It’s not about showing off, or thinking she needs your money, or whatever other nonsense people will say about the topic. You invited them, means you are picking up the check.

What is so complicated?

Helping a lady into and out of a Car

Take a minute and look at your car. Imagine trying to get into it or out of it with a short skirt and heels. Now imagine doing it gracefully. If you drive a low profile sports car or a high truck or SUV, the difficulty level this is even higher. Gentlemen, this is just simple act of consideration towards the Lady.

This is also the reason why you should help a lady when she is walking up and down stairs. Try doing it with 3”+ heels. 

Offering a Lady your Jacket

Again, let’s look at women’s fashion when compared to men’s clothing. We typically dress in layers; from the undershirt (optional), the shirt, a vest (optional), and a Jacket. A lady will probably be wearing a lot less. If the weather is somewhat cold, please don’t offer her your jacket. Simply take it off and place it over her shoulders. If you offer, she might probably get self-conscious and refuse, even if she is freezing.

Offering a Lady your seat.

This one, I really can’t believe I have to explain, but here goes. First off, have you taken a look at women’s footwear? It’s a simple act. It’s not like you don’t need the exercise.

I know that most of the comments are based on how the lady is dressed, and you can simply say it’s her problem, that she chose to dress that way. You might think that it was her choice to wear heals, or a strapless dress, or short skirt. Yes, it was her decision. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be considerate.

Guys, none of this is obligatory. Nobody is forcing you. If anything, this has become so rare, it’s no longer even expected from you. Just don’t complain that some of us are not as selfish and self-centered.

Don’t ask people to change but rather let them change.

You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.

Jim Rohn

Before we start, let me make one thing absolutely clear, the world constantly changes and so do people. The fact that today is another day means there was a change. The fact that you refuse to change who you where yesterday means you changed into someone more stubbornly set in your ways. Which brings to my second comment on change; change is neither good nor bad. How you change is what determines if it’s good or bad.

That being said, I want to let you in on a secret about change. Nobody can change to please someone else. You will constantly hear parents asking their kids to change, wives asking their husbands to change, girlfriends asking their boyfriends to change. This doesn’t work because it will never be a real change. Whatever change happens here, it’s only a change seeking the approval of the other person (or at least to get them off your back). As soon as you don’t want that person’s approval (when you are angry with them) or think they will never find out, you will revert to your old ways.

That doesn’t mean you can’t change for someone. It’s usually because of someone that you make your best changes. Let me explain.

Change only happens when you realize you need to make yourself into a better person, when you finally take off your blinders and open your eyes. Maybe it took loosing someone, or maybe it took finding someone. Maybe it simply took you finding yourself in a mirror that you can no longer stand the man looking back at you.

When you wake up and understand how you have to change, how you can better yourself, then you can actually change. When you take responsibility for yourself, when you stop blaming your surroundings and others, you can change for the better.

When is Quality Time is Not Enough?

I know that I usually start most articles with a quote, something to set the tone. Not today and not for this. This is something I really want you to read and consider. Today I am talking to every man who is in a relationship, who is married, or who has kids, especially if you consider yourself a good man by dedicating your entire existence to them. 

Stop doing that.

Ok, let me clarify this before you think I lost my mind. We, tend to work like beasts of burden, to give everything to those close to us. We wake up before dawn and come home spent. We take jobs far away from those we love, just to provide for them, to make sure they aren’t missing anything. We pride ourselves in our sacrifice, especially when we consider all the deadbeats and all the lazy men out there. And as part of our sacrifice, we always place our loved ones before any of our needs, as we stop taking care of ourselves. It gets to the point where buy life insurance to take care of our family after we are gone, as if burning yourself to death is the ultimate proof of love.

And while we work ourselves, literally to death, guess what they are missing? A boyfriend to your lover, a husband to your spouse, and a father to your child. I know that you will probably pull out either the the “but I have bills to pay” card or the “Quality Time” card on me. I am not talking about quitting your job or risking your family’s financial security or anything like that. What I am saying is that working yourself to death for your family, at the expense of your family makes no sense.

First off, Quality time? Take time and think of your own life. What where the moments that defined you? The instances of quality time, or that random event? It wasn’t that overly planned outing but rather that random encounter or event that lead to something else or that time you spent with someone special. You can’t plan these things. What you can do is be there as much as possible. Kids grow up fast and love fades away faster. Relish it.

Second, do you think that new cellphone for your kids is more important that time spent with them? If they think so, then I can guarantee you need to spend time with them. Do you think your lover prefers a new gold watch over honest affection? If they think so, you really need to reconsider the kind of lover you have. Time is the best gift you can give them. Work should be seen for what it is. A necessary evil that keeps you from your loved ones and a tool to get what you need to enjoy life.

Third, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! No matter how much monetary compensation they receive from the insurance agency, it will not replace you. Take care of your health. You can’t run in the park with your kid or you can’t spend the entire night loving your spouse because you’re not that fit? Is that triple bacon double burger worth it? I am not saying that you should go all health nut on them, but just make sure you are not digging your own grave.

Dealing with stupid comments.

A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer.

Bruce Lee

For some reason, when you start writing about topics like gender equality and a man’s responsibility to be a Gentleman, it will call the attention of men fail to understand the message. Sometimes it’s comments on my articles, other times its direct tweets, and yet others are open invitations for trolling in the hashtags I follow. 

At first, I would reply their comments directly, thinking you could actually reason with some of these posters. After several trollings, insults questioning my manhood, and several reports to whatever social media administrators involved, I no longer am willing to deal with these commentators.

Unfortunately this leaves many comments and questions unanswered. So I decided to answer some of the typical comments I think need clarification.

If women want to be treated like men, then there’s no problem in me hitting them.

First, let’s clear up what you are saying. You are threatening women that if they ask for equality, you will assault them. If you think gender equality is defined by your ability to hit women, you have bigger issues than just being a Misogynist.

Second, don’t hit people, period. Don’t think it’s that complicated. It’s actually against the law to hit people, just in case you didn’t know. And if you are planning to give me the “they hit me first” comment, I think we are past elementary school logic.

All women are (insert whatever insult you think is appropriate).

Ok, so you dealt with a woman who “wronged” you. So, no man has ever done anything bad to you? It’s just women? Stop being selective. Some people are bad, others are good. Also, take the time to see how YOU behaved, how you treated them. 

Why do I need to pay for a date, just because I am a guy?

You pay for a date, because you made the invitation. Whoever invites, pays. It’s like asking someone to go to your house for dinner but ask them to bring their own food. Your problem is you are cheap.

After all the cash/time I spent on her, she just wants to be friends?

You just demonstrated in a simple sentence how you think she is a prostitute and that the only way you can be attractive to her is by paying her. Really?

To speak without words

Never ask a woman if you may kiss her. Instead, learn to read body language.

Neil Strauss

We try to be careful about what words we use when speaking with others, to avoid giving the wrong idea or to avoid sending mixed messages. What most people fail to realize is how much they say without saying a word. How we dress, how we act, and how we react tells volumes of who we are.

And please, let’s avoid the tripe comment that you can’t judge a book by its cover. You CAN read a person if you take the time to actually look at them, observe them, and understand them. People can easily lie with words, but lying with their actions is a lot harder. You have to understand how 80% of what people understand in a conversation is read through the body and not the words.

You might say that you have to look past the expensive suit, or past the tattoos. But if you learn to “listen,” these things tell a lot. Does the person look comfortable in the suit? Is it ill fitted? Does the suit carry him or does he carry the suit? Does it look like a second skin? And what about tattoos? Are they ill inked blotches or works of art? What message does the tattoo have? And this goes on to everything else surrounding the person. Does he walk with confidence, upright with their head high? Or does he walk with shrugged shoulders? His walk is it with purpose, or just a random gait. 

When you start reading a person, you can tell almost anything about them. Between the items they choose to wear and how they behave, a person becomes an open book to a good reader. And even to a non-reader as well. People unconsciously pick up on these messages. That’s what they usually confuse with instincts. Just ask any interview coach. If you still don’t believe me, just remember the dreaded “look” your mother would give you whenever you messed up.

And here is where the artfulness of non-verbal communication comes to play. As people don’t realize that you are “talking” to them, they don’t realize they are listening. That’s the dangerous skill many PUA’s use, yet it can be used for “good.” You can make people more comfortable with simply how you sit with them, more confident just by how you stand next to them. You can complement with a look, flatter with a blush, or even approve with a smile. Or you can chastise with a raised eyebrow, dismiss with a shrug, or judge with indifference. 

So take care of what message you give, for everything you do speaks volumes about you.