A Father who lost (guest post)

Do you want to know who you are? Don’t ask. Act! Actions will delineate and define you.

Thomas Jefferson

A while back I wrote about dads who’ve been absent from their kid’s lives for reasons beyond their control. The response was equally surprising as it was depressing, receiving messages from men who’ve lost their relationships with their kids due to several situations of life. I felt that I wasn’t suited to expand on the topic as I was fortunate enough to never have lived this kind of events myself, but as luck would have it, I ran into this wonderful post on No Deadbeat Society: An Army of Fathers who give a sh*t. I think that there was no way that I could best explain what a situation like this meant like a man who lived it himself.

With that I leave you with an open letter to any Dad’s facing custody dispute: From a Father who lost.

Dear Dad soon to be standing in front of a judge for rights to see his children,

This letter is from a man who lost everything. I immaturely acted like a 20 something year old man would to things I didn’t like in my situation. And in the end, I lost everything. Enough time with my children to be able to do simple things like take them to park, or see them off to school on their first day…

Most of what you will read online, especially where there is opportunity for men to openly discuss the court process; you will read and hear that the court systems are extremely biased. That the system is ripping men from their children. While it sometimes seems that is true, you have to understand that it’s quite often the actions of men that cause it. Note; this letter is in no way aimed to speak about or cause debate about the court system. You can form your own opinion about the process, and any bias you feel judges may have in America towards mothers. All I can offer you is passionate advice on how to best situate yourself as you are preparing to face a custody debate.

You need to humble yourself. The truth is that as men, we are raised to be strong. We see it in the news, the media, movies, video games, books, music, the list goes on and on. A man should be able to protect himself and his family, no matter the battle he has to fight. No matter who is on the other side of that battle. Someone hurts one of our family members, we have almost been taught over the years to let them know in whatever way possible that you won’t tolerate that, and they should fear doing it again. What we have to learn is that sometimes, that fight requires you to humble yourself. Not become a victim per say, but accept that sometimes you have to let things go…

Your children must be your first priority.  There is absolutely NOTHING more important than them. You have no excuse, there is no situation you can justify anything over them. So if at this point in this letter you are muttering “bullshit” to yourself. Don’t even bother continuing to read. But if you are open to understand continue on.

This isn’t legal advice, if you are seeking that google a family lawyer in your area that represents fathers. Quite often they will have free resources on their websites that provide detailed action plans for fathers seeking custody. But trust me, they will tell you to act similar to how I am, only they will say it’s for purposes of court proceedings, I am telling you this because it is for your mental health and happiness.

My advice is from the heart. From a father who lost.

Your ex has a new man in her life?  Let it be….. If he isn’t hurting your children, let it be…  You will someday fall in love again and want to have your new wife or girlfriend around your children. Your children’s mother will feel exactly how you are about her new man in the picture.

Let go of your ex. Let go of everything you remember that may have been a great time. Now is a time for you to focus on your mental health and unconditional love for your children.

Your ex speaks down to you? Let it be…. it doesn’t matter.  Reality check.

No matter the abuse you may go through, do not react. Find sources of healing, support groups. Learn about meditation. See a counselor.  Don’t act out, but don’t keep it bottled in. There are people you can talk to. Just don’t let it be your ex, or your children.

Never act out in any abusive form. Mentally or Physically. No matter how big and bad you think you are. If you can’t control your anger and realize how much that could negatively impact your children if they witnessed it, you will end up in a very dark place.

Embrace and love your children every chance you get.

Never speak negatively of their mother in front of them. No matter what they repeat to you that may have come from her mouth. Respectively address it via some sort of correspondence with her and ask her to correct it with your children. Do your best to articulate to your children that it isn’t true, but never call her a liar. Keep their happiness and wellbeing a priority throughout these kinds of conversations.

If you have to pay child support. Who cares. Pay it. Is not paying a few hundred bucks a month worth risking seeing your child at all because of your reaction to having to pay it? If it is…

Create goals for yourself that better your life. Career goals, health goals. Focus on becoming the best person you can be.

If you have ever acted towards your ex in a way that if a man acted that way towards your sister or mother you would have been extremely upset and confronted them; seek help. There is an underlying issue there, not only for the courts, but for yourself.

Do not claim victim. Immediately humble yourself and start the processing of obtaining peace and happiness.

Her new boyfriend threatened to beat you up? You know you could beat the hell out of him… Don’t. There are other means to addressing this that set a much better “I will not tolerate this kind of bullshit in my children’s lives” message to her.

Don’t fake being a good person to prove to the courts that you are a loving father. Truly become a good person, develop the skills necessary to make yourself such a good person that it makes you a happy person. That there is nothing false about the man you have become. You are stronger for it, not weaker.

Look at this process optimistically. This is your opportunity to seek a better future. For yourself, and for your children.

People say that if you repeat something enough times you will believe it as truth. Let your actions do this as well. Make doing good deeds a regular part of your routine, even if it’s not in front of your children. (hold the door open for people, give to charity if you can, volunteer, help people, etc…)

It truly takes a village to raise a child, be good to all of the people you love. That love will be returned 10 fold in ways you could never imagine. They will appreciate your struggle and they will provide your children with an overwhelming amount of love.

Never make a choice in your life that could negatively impact your kids. Don’t do it. There is no but, what if, or any excuses acceptable here… You met a sexy chick at the bar on your weekend off who frequently uses drugs and you want to start dating her? Don’t…  You’re invited out with some boys you used to hang out with who you regularly used to get in bar fights with? Don’t go. You drink and drive and never caught? Stop it… You think hanging out with “tough guys makes you look cool”. Get over yourself. Grow up.

The basic impulses no longer apply to you. You aren’t a man. You are a father. It’s a different breed of man. It requires a depth you never had before.

Never make an impulsive decision of any kind. Weigh out all the negatives and positives and then form your opinion and act. Do this for everything, even minor decisions like where you are going to go for dinner. Do this so much that it becomes a regular part of your decision making process.

Humbling yourself his one of the most difficult things a man can do. Some women are horrible people, just as men are. Some judges will look down on you. Midst all of the chaos that is a custody dispute you have to humble yourself. You need to shift your focus to being the best person you can be. It took me years to realize this, and quite frankly it was too late.

I never want a man to feel what I feel now.

Do it for your kids.

Signed,
A Father who lost, and learned the hardest lesson in life he ever learned.

Casually Challenged

To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.

Winston Churchill

As many of you know, I relocated due to a change in employment. Within all the adjustments that come from such an endeavor, you expect to deal with many other changes as you handle the challenges of relocation, the new surroundings, and even dealing with a new work team. Yet it was one thing alone that caught me off balance, something I never considered as it seemed so inconsequential that I never really put any thought into it. It was something that most of you will actually think is absolutely trivial, but honestly, was the one thing that took the longest to get used too.

I no longer wore a suit to work.

I know this sounds dumb, and even as I write it, I realize that it reads even dumber, but let me elaborate.

For the last decade I have been defining who I am and who I wanted to be as a professional. I reflect this with my attitude, my habits, and even my wardrobe choices, so my closet pretty is pretty much a reflection of this. As I am now the kind of professional I sought to become, suddenly all of this changed, and in a way it broke my "sacred" morning routine that helped me focus into what the day held in store. As I got dressed in the morning, I realized that my closet was either suits or overly casual stay home t-shirt and jeans. I realized how something as simple as making a tie knot or putting on cufflinks were more of a meditation to me than getting dressed, as my suits become a comfortable shield and armor with which I faced the work ay. Sure, I got some new work clothing to compensate, but something about not suiting up in the morning kept bugging me. I just couldn’t figure out I couldn't yet carve out a new routine with this more casual look. That was till I had a conversation with a gent later on that week.

The gentleman in question was someone who after 20 years of military was about to retire. His personal challenge was that he had no idea how to handle a civilian life or, worse yet, I life where he no longer had any pressing financial or professional obligations while still being young enough to have his whole life ahead of him. My answer was pretty simple. “Think of it as an extended weekend were you do whatever makes you happy.” His response made me understand my own situation.

“You spend your entire life trying to figure out what works for you. When you finally figure it out, it doesn't work for you any more because you’re no longer that same man.”

That’s when I got it. I spent so many years working to become the man that I wanted to be. Yet when I became that man, my life had changed enough that the image I had created no longer fit me. We often work so hard to become something that we stop striving or adapting when we get there. We see it with anyone whose life changes, yet they want to keep doing the same things they did before. The college man who keeps prolonging his graduation, the retiree who never wants to retire, the married man who keeps holding on to his single life's habits, or the father who refused to accept his role as a dad.They worked so hard to become good at a certain stage of life that they have trouble moving forward into a new stage in life.

So as I start now a new stage , I am tasked into walking forward and adapting who I am, again setting myself on the path to become the man I was meant to be, yet this time I start this path with the eyes of a man who’s mature enough to know that he must change and grow in the same way life changes. Sometimes we define who we want to become, yet do so from the perspective of where we are in a specific moment in life. As we grow, change, and evolve, so should the man we strive to become. That man we are meant to be should never be static image created within a particular moment in our lives, but rather one that changes and evolved with us.

Not Dead Yet

Originality consists in returning to the origin.

Antoni Gaudi

After what feels like an overly extended absence, we're back! We're still not in full capacity, but we're back none the less.

I want to thank everyone who's kept up with us for the last month even though I was unable to update the blog. To my surprise, the group kept growing within all our interconnected expressions over social media and we kept receiving messages and requests. This made my inability to update the site even more frustrating. To those who sent us messages, my apologies for not being able to get back to you and to all those that joined up during my absence, welcome to the Gentlemen Movement.

As many of you noticed, I had to take a "voluntary" hiatus from Being Caballero. That is the reason why I haven't replied to posts and messages sent to us, but this has actually led to several rumors to start floating around. Just to put to rest any worries and assumptions; I'm not dead, haven't been sent to jail, haven't been involved in a divorce or a custody dispute, haven't been sent out in any confidential assignment, nor been kidnapped by any anti-chivalry extremist groups.

My absence was the result of several things happening at once. First, my main home computer became comatose. I was able to keep updating in a limited capability from Ms. B.’s computer till I began my relocation process. I started up in a new employment opportunity in a new city and had to deal with limited computer and internet access and even more limited time for the affairs that truly matter when you have to move away from the family. So the few times I could hook up to a computer, I would spend it either doing video conferencing with them or dealing with the typical issues of any move. With that being said, Caballero will no longer be based on DC, as we are now be stationed in the South Jersey Coast. I decided to take to heart the concept of creating a life you don't need a vacation from. The sea will always call out to those #IslandBorn.

I have taken this time to reevaluate and meditate on several aspects of life, family, work, society, social media, and myself.  Nothing helps you to take those steps as being alone and incommunicated from others. Hopefully we will be going back to our usual posting schedule in the next few weeks, as the waters reach their appropriate levels and the chaos of the move is finally over.

Again, I want to thank those that stayed and welcome those that joined our mission while I was away.

Being Caballero

The ‘Pink Ribbon’ Men Deserve

Men with mustaches are more likely to make history

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You might have noticed how in plenty of my posts are about the importance of men taking care of themselves and dealing with some of the health issues directly liked to men in general. In truth, how can you be there for others if you’re not there at all? So, as we are in the final stretch of October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I thought it might be appropriate to remind everyone that November, or should I say Movember, is right around the corner. I’ve been participating in it for the last 2 years and this year plan to go all out on it and, to be honest, you should too.

“What’s Movember?” you ask. Movember is an annual event where men channel their inner Magnum P.I. and grow a mustache throughout the month of November to raise awareness of men’s health issues, such as depression in men and male specific cancers such as prostate cancer. Think of it as the Pink Ribbon for men. Their mission statement?

Change the face of men’s health.

The story of Movember’s origin is rather simple. All it took was a couple guys in a bar, discussing what they could do to help others, proving that all it takes to be a good man is wanting to be a good man and being willing to take the action good men do. Australians and their ‘Mateship.’ Showing what being a brother is all about. Today? The Movember Foundation is a worldwide organization with chapters all over the world.

This year, Movember has added in a new campaign, to MOVE. They realized that one of the biggest health risks men face today is the fact that few men are willing to get off that couch and actually do something about their well-being. Who would have guessed that not getting off that couch ass is bad for you?

If you’ve always wondered what you would look like with a mustache or have always wanted to grow one, yet were worried about people’s reaction…

If you just want to have an excuse to switch around your look or just want to help spread awareness about the health issues men have…

Or simply if you think that a mustache is a lot cooler than a simple ribbon…

 

Let it grow out this coming month. Channel your inner Magnum P.I. Tell you friends, sign up, and pledge. If you want to donate without making a full profile, you can donate through us in the  Being Caballero Mo’ profile. We will be working with The Order of the Wolf, group founded by members of the Order of Man.

And remember that, as Peter Griffin so aptly said, with a great mustache comes great responsibility.

Ladies, We Need Your Help

There are two ways of exerting one’s strength:

One is pushing down,

The other is pulling up.

Booker T. Washington

Ladies,

Usually I will post here, specifically directing my words to men, as most of what is posted here is focused on men becoming more, on working on themselves, not to impress women, but to better themselves. I have mentioned how this is a path they must walk by themselves as they take accountability for their own actions and development.

We understand how men need to be allies to women’s fight for gender equality and social justice. We see the importance of men becoming allies and taking up an active participation on women’s issues in campaigns such as #HeForShe and Man Up. We are aware of the awful statistics of what women have to deal with and have learned how men can challenge a sexist culture by simply standing up against what’s expected from them as guys.

But now, I am asking for your help as women.

All too often, society doesn’t see the flip side of the coin, as it assumes that men’s issues are reduced to men whining about not getting a date or, at best, men having unrealistic expectations placed on them due to gender stereotypes. The reality is a lot more palpable than just fighting social expectations and it’s a reality that’s killing us; sometimes metaphorically while other times literally.

Did you know that 1 in 4 men are victims of domestic violence? Did you know that 1 in 6 men are victims of sexual abuse since they are boys? Did you know that even though society admits men and women are equally capable as parents, after a divorce only 14% of men gain primary custody? And those without it, did you know they are usually only allowed to see their kids every other weekend. That’s only 4 days a month for those mathematically challenged.

Did you know that there are very few support groups and even less resources available to create awareness to issues like these or help men deal? The funny thing is that when they exist, these are under constant attack and ridicule by those unwilling to recognize the reality of many men. If you knew all of this, then it probably doesn’t surprise you that, even though suicide rates have gone down, in the case of men between the ages of 40-55, they have actually gone up. This has become such an issue that currently 80% of all suicides are committed by men.

Society as a whole is killing us and then it blames us for it.

And this is why I’m asking for your help. Men are told to look for help, but when they actually stretch out their hand looking for a life line; it’s slapped away by both other men and women who refuse to see the problem. Gender issues and challenges are treated as an open war between the sexes where each group plays up their own challenges, expecting empathy and help, while dismissing what others go through.

We need to stop viewing the world as two different worlds, but at a single world where we have both been responsible for the good and bad each gender goes through. Just as it’s important for men to become allies to women, it’s also important for women to become allies to men. For that reason, I ask for your help.

Men can’t change the world alone just as women can’t either.

Why I Don’t Want To Make More Money

Grind in your 20’s.

Build in your 30’s.

Chill in your 40’s.

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Every once in a while, my actual profession will come up during a conversation, which leads into the same scripted interaction. “Wouldn’t you be making more money in what you’re trained in?” My reply is always the same. “Yes. And I would also have to work between 60 to 80 hours a week, including weekends. Last time I did it, I missed out on my family, all the while thinking I was providing for my family. I don’t think being able to buy more stuff I don’t really need and filling my professional ego isn’t worth losing my family. Do you?”

Awkward silence.

Almost every Personal Empowerment site and program can be broken down into two focuses. On one side, they promote the idea that “Become a better man” automatically leads to “make more money.” On the other side “Become a better man” will lead to get more women. There is a third camp out there, the one that I have tried to keep in mind when posting on Caballero. “Become a better man” will lead you to become a better man; for yourself and your family.

Let’s be absolutely clear here, I’m not talking about leading a hermit’s life of austerity. If you need to work 80 hours a week to make ends meet, do so. And I also believe that even through money doesn’t buy happiness, not having enough to survive is pretty miserable. With that said, if you’re well enough to survive, your well enough to spend time on what matters.

A man must be defined by his priorities, not by his desires.

Sure, you might lie to yourself, as you justify working all those hours with the excuse to go on that family vacation, or buy that gift, or provide a bigger home or a fancy car. If you believe that your worth is only measured by how much material gain you can provide, you should seriously reconsider what you have to offer those around you. If those around you only appreciate what material gains you have to offer, you should reconsider the kind of people around you.

Way too many men end up with dead souls by the time they are 40, and many of them end up actually taking their lives because of it. This isn’t about just making a living, but about saving your life. Work enough to make enough. Then start working on what matters. Spend time on yourself, on your family, and on your friends. Your boss isn’t willing to understand that you have no intention on killing yourself for him to make profit? Consider a new job. Your professional obligations won’t let you spend time with your spouse and kids? Consider a career change.

Always keep in mind that money can’t buy back time lost and you can’t buy your way out of regret.

PS.

To the younger guys getting started in the daily grind. Before you  think of this post as proof that you don’t need an education nor to pay your dues on your way up…remember that I can take these kind of decisions because I already racked up enough of a resume to let me pick and choose my future.