Why You Need To Stop Proving Your Love

Never run after a man or a bus, there's always another one in five minutes.

Cherry Adair

The more I think about it, the less some things makes sense to me. “Men chase after women.” “Women find a good catch.” “You have to prove your love.” “You have to win him/her over.” Who thought off the idea that showing an interest in someone was more about proving yourself to them and not about showing affection and opening up? Who decided that relationships were about one person competing to win a person over? Who says that relationships are about proving how much are you willing to put up with a person’s “worse”? With that kind of language, can we really complain about men (or women) who think they deserve a “prize” just because they paid for dinner or gave the other person a nice gift?

People keep thinking that relationships, be it professional or romantic, are defined mainly about what we “obtain” out of them. “What’s in it for me?” That’s why so many people feel they need to prove their love, or that a person’s love needs to be proven before taking them seriously. It’s about one person proving they have something to offer the other person, make sure they cover the “What’s in it for me” box. And when we reduce relationships to what one person can get out of the other, which leads to pretty shallow and weak relationships where sex, social standing, or money become the focus, rather than respect.

We need to stop proving ourselves so others will accept us. “If you can’t handle me at my worse” probably means you have a strong sense of self-respect, well created boundaries, and prioritized self-care. If they cannot accept you for who you are, why would you think that selling yourself to them will make them care for you after the illusion is gone?

Oh, before you think this is about not doing something special for someone special, you are sadly mistaken. It means that when you do something special, it’s because you wanted to show your affection, not expecting anything in return. And that is what love and relationships should be about. It’s about giving because you want to give, not because it’s expected.

So the next time you give a kiss, do it because you want to. The next time you want to give them flowers, do so. Stop looking for reasons for your affections.

The Curse of Experience

In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, in the expert’s mind there are few.

Suzuki

With age comes wisdom, right? Not necessarily. With age, the only thing that really comes is the fact that you have been on this earth longer than those younger than you. With that extra time you might have had more experiences than younger people. But unless you are able to learn from your experiences, and apply those lessons learned properly, the only thing you get is stubbornness and arrogance. 

Wisdom is the ability to learn from experience, nothing more. It’s not a magical knowledge that shines on you as you speak. It’s not some level up where you can now select from a new skill set, as if life worked like a video game. It’s the ability to relate and compare a situation you currently face with a previous situation, and your ability to apply what you previously experienced.

Well, that’s simple enough. Live and learn, right? Not really. Just because you learned something didn’t work once, it doesn’t mean it won’t work always. Just because it worked once, it doesn’t mean it will work every time. And that is where true wisdom comes in, the ability to look at everything with the enthusiasm of a novice.

The more you know, and the more you experience, the more you will assume your experience will give you the right answer. You will tend to dismiss new ideas, thinking that your way is the only way. You will dismiss the beginner, assuming that your experience and seniority gives you enough knowledge to know better than others. But the reality is this experience will hinder you more times than it will help you, if you leave it unchecked.

There is a power that comes from the endless possibilities of not knowing “better.” Beginners never stop to consider their limitations, as they are willing to take the risks of failing in attempts to fly. Zen Buddhism calls this Shoshin, or the “beginner's mind.” It means to having an attitude of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions when studying a any subject, even when dealing at an advanced level, just as a beginner would. And here is where age and experience hinders us.

We tend to let past failures hold us back. We tend to let past victories give us an attitude of arrogance and contempt over younger generations. True wisdom is not about knowing better, but about knowing enough to realize how much more you have to learn.

Making Good Men Shamelessly.

We cannot grow when we are in shame, and we can't use shame to change ourselves or others.

Brene Brown

Every once in a while we need to step back, review ourselves and those around us, and look at the world around us from a critical perspective. As men, and as people, I am seeing how it is becoming a common practice by to many within the social media to use shame into forcing people into action. And yet I see how it is actually creating a stronger resistance to that which needs to change.

There are bad men out there, a lot of them. This is true. But is it because they are men? Or because they are bad? Do we want create good men? Or just guilt them so they aren't bad to you? Or do you just want someone to blame for the bad men that have hurt you?

I support the ideals of feminism to tooth and nail. The biggest influences in my endeavors into the Gentleman ideals were the strong women role models in my life, who taught me that the most important thing in life is respect; to self and to others. They taught me that the biggest gift I can give anyone is to raise them higher than they could have gotten without my help. This is the main lessons I try to pass on to anyone who reads my message, or hears me talk.

The one thing that they also taught me was never to expect positive re-actions from negative actions. Shame is based on Guilt. And guilt only produces 3 things in life.

1. The person feels guilty, which basically translates to self-hate.
2. The person dismisses whatever you say have to say, no matter how right you are.
3. The person hates you for trying your attempt at making them hate themselves.

Nothing about shame produces a positive result. At best, they will agree with you because they hate themselves. At worse, you will reinforce the very thing you want to change.

Think of this from this perspective. If you shame a racist because they said a racial slur, will they learn empathy, acceptance, and the benefits of diversity? Or will they learn to not say the slur in front of you? They might even choose to say that slur even more, just to get back at you. But if we teach people how to be better, about empathy, acceptance, and the benefits of equality?

Men, you are fathers, sons, brothers, and friends to other men around you. You teach and affect those around you with your actions and comments. You are a role model, so act like it. Women, you are told that it’s up to men to change men. But you are mothers, daughters, sisters, and friends to men. You too can teach and affect men around you with your actions and comments. You too are a role model. As a society, we need to stop trying to shame the bad out of a person, and start focusing on teaching them to be good.

A Gentleman’s Guide to Catcalling and Compliments.

I can understand all the confusion and arguments that have arisen from the topic of Catcalling. You might think it’s insulting to women or you might think it’s a compliment. The reality is that without understanding what you are doing, or simply generalizing an act, you can’t really make a proper judgment call on this, or any, topic. So with that in mind, let’s look at Catcalling/Complimenting.

I’m not here to shame you into behaving, we get that way too often by other people. Way to often I am seeing men dismiss it, saying that it’s a compliment and women should be glad they get the attention. Other men react disgusted by it, but their explanation sounds way to often like a pre-rehearsed script written for them to avoid social shaming. With that in mind I want to handle the subject from a practical, nonjudgmental standpoint.

First off, what’s catcalling? Taking away all the subjective and qualitative aspect, it’s a person openly calling out another person to get their attention. Why do some people catcall? Supposedly to compliment the other person. I say supposedly because that’s not what happens, from a practical perspective.

Let’s say your intention is trying to get the attention of a woman you want to meet. So you openly call her out on her beauty. Doesn’t sound that bad, right? In a way it is. You called the attention of everyone around you to her. You just threw her in a spotlight she wasn’t either interested in or prepared for. Think of it as yelling out “Hey everyone, look at her!” while shining a big stoplight on her as she is surrounded by complete strangers. You might not mind it, but she might. And you just didn’t care if she did or didn’t, you openly told her you don’t care what she thinks, because her only purpose is to amuse you.

Things kind of start taking a different perspective, right.

Now, let’s look at you. Yelling out a comment like that is little more than what a kid does when he yells out “Mom, look at me…mom, look no hands…mom, you’re not looking!” It’s a cry for attention and validation, be it from the lady or from the people around you. If you need that kind of validation, your problem is not that you catcall, but that you don’t value yourself enough. It also proves that you don’t have the self-confidence enough to walk up to her, the self-confidence to risk rejection. How exactly where you planning to talk to her afterwards if you can’t even get the courage to walk up to her?

And this is just with those “non-offensive” catcalls. When you step into the realm of vulgarity, you are basically letting her know that you view her as little more than a replacement for your own hand. At this point you are also letting her know what kind of man you are and what she can expect if she responds. This isn’t about compliments any more, but about openly demeaning her and threatening her. At this point, you crossed the boundary between a misguided guy making a social faux pas, and dove head in into the rapist mentality.

Please reconsider your life path.

But let’s say you still want to say hello, or to tell her she’s beautiful, or simply to be civil. Guess what? You have options.

First consider how many idiots, assholes, and just plain stupid people there are in the world. Don’t worry; I’ll wait till you think about this…

Now ask yourself how a complete stranger knows you are not one of them? “She shouldn’t judge me without knowing me!” Why not? You did it to her. You don’t know what’s going on with her, what her story is. Your attitude proved this already when you expect her to consider your comment. Your comment and your reaction became your first impression.

The second thing you have to consider is how to get rid of the spotlight effect. If your action calls out the attention of everyone around you, or calls attention to her, you are spotlighting. That’s why so many guys react offended when the lady doesn’t reply or react positively. You placed yourself in a position where her rejection made you look bad. The reality is YOU placed YOURSELF in that situation, not her. So don’t blame her.

So if to say hello, or to comment or compliment, you need to raise your voice, you are spotlighting. If you want to tell her hello while she walks by, say hello in a civilized tone. Start with a smile to see if she is even paying attention. If she doesn’t respond, saying hello at this point is telling her “Look at me!” Again, you are not riding a bike, and she is not your mother.

Let’s say you want to tell her she is beautiful, attractive, or whatever other idea you might have that isn’t crass or reduces her to a plastic doll. First off, apologize for interrupting whatever she is doing. The reality is you are stepping into her world, and interrupting her life, even if it’s to give her a compliment. This simple act will let you know if the comment is welcomed. If she reacts negatively, apologize and walk away. No foul and no harm. Consider that you have no idea what she is doing, thinking, or going through. Or maybe she is just a bad person. It might be for the best.

If she responded negatively, please don’t press the issue. At that point you are proving it wasn’t about giving her a compliment, but rather about you giving a compliment. Again…Bike and mom looking.

So consider the reality of the situation. There is nothing wrong with a hello or a compliment. Just keep in mind that a compliment is only a compliment when it’s given like one. 

Questioning the Term Patriarch, Becoming a Don

I take some pride in... representing myself exactly how I would like to have my son remember me to his kids.

Robert Downey Jr.

Hopefully, we live in changing times, where our gender or race or ethnicity shouldn’t determine what opportunities, privileges, and limitations are imposed on us. So any social movement that challenges inequality and intolerance should be challenged and brought down. So why is it that every time I hear about bringing down the patriarchy, I end up with feeling angry, self-doubt, demeaned, and dehumanized? And till today I didn’t really understand why.

I know that you are probably thinking it’s just a guy being defensive based on cultural and social programing defending his position of privilege within a society. If you haven’t read any of my other comments on feminism and gender equality, that might be a simple quick assumption. I thought it stemmed from a feeling that the word Patriarchy placed the burden solely on men’s shoulders and it promoted division between men and women. In my eyes, blaming the current state of affairs on the patriarchy promoted the idea that gender inequality was caused exclusively by men, and men didn’t suffer within it. But after reading a post by fellow writer this morning I realized that my anger didn’t come from being a man, but from being a father.

Many people use the word Patriarchy to define a system where men hold power and women are largely excluded from it and repressed by it. This is probably the most acceptable definition within the debate. But for me, and apparently several others, that is not how I view the word Patriarchy. Sexism and gender inequality is real, but for many years Patriarchy held another meaning. It literally means ruling father, a government where leaders behaved like fathers to the people, and society becomes an extended family.

I had the blessing of growing up within a strong Patriarchy, but not the kind ranted against. I grew up in a Patriarchy that taught me respect, honor, and accountability to my family and my community. My Grandfather led his businesses, his community, and the family the same way, by example, expecting everyone to do their best, and offering compassion to those in need. In his eyes, everyone was equally deserving of respect, no matter what social position they held.

Don Edwin owned several businesses in the town, but his pride was his little Café/Bar, where he could sit down and talk with everyone. I saw him serve lunch to homeless man, offering him the same dignity as when he sat down for coffee with the town’s mayor. I saw him walk up to someone and discretely lend money because he found out they couldn’t pay their bills or so their kids could go off to college. I saw him give work to people ex-cons and ex-drug addicts, people no one else would hire. I saw him help a couple his waitresses get out of abusive relationships. In that coffee shop I saw more people helped and more charity than in any missionary service.

You would think that growing with such a man would have made my life easy. Not really. It meant I had really big shoes to fill. I was Don Edwin’s grandson, and that meant constantly needed to prove I was worthy of the position. That’s what so many men suffering from entitlement don’t get, you can’t inherit respect.

You might easily dismiss this view of Patriarchy as simply defined by being a leader. The reality is that leading this way involves love; to a family or community. It’s about treating those with respect, leading by example, and serving as support to those around you. It’s about striving to be wise enough, experienced enough, tempered enough, and compassionate enough that you earn people’s respect, becoming a role model for those around you. This kind of leader is slowly disappearing, as we struggle to find even a few proper male role models within society is so eager to question any man’s intentions and even capability as a human, simply because of his gender.

To this day I strive to become even half the man he was. And every day I pray when my time comes to take the mantle of Patriarch, I am able to fill those shoes.

The interesting twist to this story is that when my grandfather passed away, the position of authority fell upon my mother, Doña Edna. You know how you call a Patriarchy with a woman leading it? A Matriarchy.

She was just as impressive as her father.