I Stand A Proud Man

We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honor and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful.

C.S. Lewis

The internet is riddled with articles exposing the damaging effects of manhood’s expectations on men, on the toxic behavior that has been not only condoned but rather promoted, as a boy grows into adulthood. We blame masculinity for all the shortcomings of men today, as we try to break away from the shackles of the oppressive restrictions that men place on themselves due to gender. Yet with all this negative implications placed on men, I am left wondering about all the great men, men who have left a legacy to the world, men who prove just how great men can be. That’s when I have to ask myself, is it manhood that is toxic to men, or are we as a society become toxic to men?

You see, for every time you call out the toxicity of masculinity, I am reminded of men willing to go above and beyond to help others because it’s the right thing to do. For every comment of the chains that hold back men, I am reminded of men whose strength of character has helped make this a better world as they are the first to volunteer to be strong. For every time you tell me I should be ashamed of being a man, I stand proud in the knowledge that being a man is nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s funny how every time a man does good, social media views him as a person or an individual, but when a man does wrong, his actions are a reflection of the potential evil within all men. A good man is special and a bad one is proof that all men are the same? Really? Yes, some men are bad, but it’s not because they are men.

It isn’t manhood that has placed toxic expectations on men, but a society that has bread insecure men who feel they need to prove themselves constantly. We are trying so hard to prove how damaging masculinity that we don’t realize it’s our persecution of masculinity that is hurting men. We are creating our own self-fulfilling prophecy about broken men when it’s our own persecution, negative perspectives, and judgmental attitude that are breaking men.

We need to create men who are sure enough of themselves that they see no reason to prove their manhood. And to do this we need to stop attacking manhood. We need to stop promoting the image of a man as one who works a 9 to 5 job, but one that works 24/7 to better his character. We need to stop promoting the idea that a man needs to be the main financial provider as he needs to make more money than his wife, but rather the idea that money doesn’t define the support he gives to his family. We need to stop measuring manhood with a tape line around his bicep, the length of his penis, or the size of his cojones.

We need to stop telling men that they have to attack masculinity as a way to prove they are not being victimized by it. We need to stop telling men that their own personal faults and flaws are not their responsibility as they can blame them on masculinity. We need men who know that they are responsible for themselves and the kind of man they can be!

But to be this kind of man, to understand this kind of manhood, we need to start looking at what men can do and what manhood offers them. Manhood is what gives your life priorities, as you calmly step away from the narcissism and selfishness of childhood. Manhood is defined by what you are willing to do to take care of your family, your friends, and your community. Manhood is defined by the bond you have with brothers you share no blood with. Manhood is defined by what you are willing to do past your own comfort. Manhood is having personal honor and a moral code that defines your behavior more than any laws of the land. Manhood is having the character to hold yourself accountable for your own actions. Manhood is about trying to be a better man for one simple reason, to be able to face life’s challenges proudly on your feet as a man.

The Cult to Averageness and the Persecution of Excellence

You have competition every day because you set such high standards for yourself that you have to go out every day and live up to that.

Michael Jordan

The last few weeks, we have seen social media buzzing with the wonders of the “Dad-Body” as the new fad in male body types. In most cases, I usually ignore internet fads, as they tend to be as relevant as they are permanent. Yet in this case, I found it more amusing than ever, as this fad in particular, and its resulting discussion, placed yet again the limelight on an aspect of society that has grown within social media’s ability to give the masses a voice;

The Cult to Average and the Persecution of Excellence.

The cult of Average is this idea that we are all good enough. And that’s true, we are. We see it in every aspect, ranging from beauty to intelligence, from financial success to physical fitness. It’s the idea that we are perfect just as we are, and there is no real need to try to be better. It gets to the point where people expect applause and adulation simply for resisting the need to be better! And that’s where it gets really messed up.

In an attempt to resist the “social pressures” to be better, they will condemn anyone who chooses to be better. We see this when in our discourse of “all bodies are beautiful” the follow up is basically “except those who make an effort to look good. They deserve our hate.”  The same goes into every other aspect. We need to demonize anyone who’s successful, anyone who looks good, anyone who’s educated, and the list goes on. We see it in the generalized idea that anyone with physical beauty or fitness must be a narcissist, that genius is accompanied by arrogance or that financial success can only be achieved by having no moral standards.

The amazing thing about this social condemnation of excellence is how being above average is only acceptable when it comes accompanied with acceptable flaws, as if the flaws compensate for the additional efforts of the person. We see it in the socially awkward genius, or the dumb, but lovable, jock, or the clumsy beauty.

All of these negative aspects are assigned to excellence because excellence exposes the averageness of others. Nobody is born in excellence, that’s the result of discipline, dedication, and a lot of effort. The problem is that the same people who profess not being superficial only see the superficial picture. They neither see nor care to see the work that lead to excellence. It’s easy to assume that beauty, physical fitness, or intelligence is only the result of genetics or that artistic or athletic skills are the result of natural talent, or that financial success is the result of getting an inheritance. This attitude only serves as an excuse to minimize the work and effort of those who achieve excellence.

Genetics, natural talent, and, even to a degree, inheritance only benefit you at the starting point. What counts is what you do with what you have. That’s what determines how far you can go. Let’s stop celebrating averageness as the best we can achieve as individuals. Stop assuming that the limitations society places on you are the highest standards you deserve to put on yourself. Effort, discipline, and self-sacrifice will always trump the small minds and insecurities of others.

Be Tailor-Made

Resistance to the organized mass can be effected only by the man who is as well organized in his individuality as the mass itself.

Carl Jung

As a teenager in full blown rebellion and social angst, I openly try to challenge every single notion that was given to me, to the dismay of my teachers, the principal, and my parents. I challenged every status quo I came with every word and every action. I wanted to break down the chains I felt held back society as I tried to rip off people’s blindfold. I know now that the only reason I was able to get away with that attitude was a combination of my grades, that I was able to argue without becoming aggressive or vulgar, and that they viewed me as an artist. Artists are socially expected to be rebels. At some time during those years, my grandfather sat me down and challenged me with a single question:

If you are an individual, why do you dress and talk like the rest of your friends?

Although I went on a rant as to how I refused to become a drone to a society trying to keep everyone in line, internally I realized something. In my fight to avoid becoming a drone to society, I had become a drone to MY society. I fought what they fought and agreed with what they agreed. In my attempt to avoid seeking the approval of society, I ended up seeking the approval of my niche.

That’s when I started to wake up.

As we are bombarded by people telling us to how to act, how to be, and EVERYTHING we are doing wrong; many times we are made to feel how the only way to fit in is to fit a mold. The reality is that no single mold that fits everyone. So we so often force ourselves into that mold, even if we deny it, simply to feel we are part of something bigger than ourselves. And being part of something bigger than yourself is not only OK, it’s actually something very good to be. The problem is when you stop thinking for yourself as you get assimilated within the group. After a while you lose who you are as you get lost in the crowd. We see this in every aspect of society and the different tribes we belong too.

We see how people defend the indefensible simply because it’s said by the group they identify with. We see how people will condemn good ideas simply because they are said by those you oppose. We see this in politics, religion, social justice issues, and society in general. They will use a magnifying glass over those they oppose yet turn a blind eye to those they support.

And that’s where you have to wake up.

I know that this might sound counterintuitive coming from a person who promotes the Gentleman niche within society. I keep finding myself at odds with some of the other bloggers who promote this contemporary Gentleman’s revival, as they will basically focus on their own view of becoming a Gentleman, one I find myself not agreeing with so often. That is why I try my best to avoid telling you how to specifically act. I simply expose the concepts and the practicality, leaving the means and methods of it to you.

Identifying with a group is fine, but more importantly is for you to identify with yourself. You need to take the time to form your own educated ideals and code of conduct. Create a code that avoids the so often convenient double standards found within so many larger groups. Keep in mind that this will never be a code written in stone. It isn’t that your code changes but rather that it is constantly evolving, as with every day you learn more and with each day you grow more.

If you can’t be faithful to yourself, how can you be faithful to anyone else?