Never Be Yourself

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

George Bernard Shaw

Have you ever heard someone say something that caused you to blurt out a response without properly filtering it? It can lead to rather amusing reaction if you’re quick enough with your wit and your friends have a good mind for debate.

During a philosophical debate amongst friends, one of those present came out with the often overused comment “you just have to be yourself.” Looking straight at him, I asked a simple question…

“But what if you’re an asshole?”

We spend so much energy in trying to accept and project who we are, to find that elusive definition of ourselves. Yet, this entire notion is based on the idea that we can be defined in simple terms, as if we were some 2 dimensional flat characters from a badly written movie. It assumes that I know who I am, completely dismisses the idea of the multiple faces and selves we are, while at the same time ignores the notion that we are continuously changing and evolving.

Every time I hear “Be yourself” I am left with more questions than answers. Who am I to begin with? Before I can be myself, I have to find myself. This means that I have little control of who I am as a person, as who “I am” was a trait given to me. The fact that I can’t define it means I have to spend years “finding myself” first.

This brings up another wonderfully confusing question. “What self am I meant me to be?” You see, there are plenty of “self” based on the situation. And before you assume that I’m talking about walking around with masks or being deceitful, just consider how many selves do you have.

Are you the goofy Dad willing to make a fool of yourself while playing with your kid, or the serious professional who’s analytical and calculating during a business meeting? Are you the hard boiled badass when life needs you to tough it out or the emotional softy when opening up to your significant other?  You can be all those things without any of them being a lie.

And the worst part of this idea is the notion about viewing “yourself” as a completed project, as an unevolving person. If you are an asshole, then you are left with little options other than embrace and accept it, since you have no other option. That makes as much logic as embracing being fat.

We create who we are. We create the self we want to be and work to reach that goal. You want to be a good father? BE a good father. You want to be a good husband? BE a good husband. You want to be a professional? BE a professional. Define the kind of man you want to be and work to reach that goal every day.

And before you even start with the notion that I am promoting not valuing who you are just because you work towards a better you, that’s not what I’m saying. Sure, you might be a good man, but never think you are good enough to not try to be better. Self-betterment isn’t Self-loathing. It’s quite the opposite; it’s loving who you are enough to want to make yourself into even more.

So instead of thinking you should “be yourself,” try to “be better” and “be more.”

“Jeet Kune Do”ing the Gentleman’s Tao

Jeet Kun Do, ultimately, is not a matter of petty technique but of highly developed personal spirituality and physique. It is not a question of developing what has already been developed but of recovering what has been left behind. These things have been with us, in us, all the time and have never been lost or distorted except by our misguided manipulation of them. Jeet Kun Do is not a matter of technology but of spiritual insight and training.

Bruce Lee

A few decades ago, a young man came up with a rather interesting concept, somewhat a radical notion within the martial arts traditions.  He began by questioning his own style and started looking into what fighting philosophies were doing. He looked at what each style had in common, what was effective, and what was dead weight carried on simply for traditions sake. From there he filtered out what didn’t work and merged what did into an encompassing philosophy applicable, not only to fighting, but to life in general.

This man’s name was Bruce Lee and his philosophy became known as Jeet Kune Do.

Why do I bring this up in a site dedicated to growing as a man and as a Gentleman? Because it’s way past the time that we should apply this mentality to what it means to be a man and a Gentleman.

What set Bruce Lee apart was the fact that he realized he might not know all the answers, but that the answers were out there waiting for him to uncover them. He got past the egocentric mentality that limits most martial artists as they assume their style is the best, completely developed, and their teachers are infallible. He did the one thing most fighting schools teach their students never to do; to question what you are taught. He promoted the understanding of how rigid styles limit practitioners on two simple facts. The first is there exists a style containing all the answers or can be viewed as the best over the rest. The second is an acceptance that every person is different; what works for one might not work as well for another. This allowed each person to become their own master as they step away from the rigidity of a limited style; where the teacher is simply a guide offering “advice.” The student needs to interpret and internalize knowledge within their own technique and body type.

And isn’t that what the modern idea of Gentleman is? Almost every article on gentlemen starts with the typical reference to chivalry, yet how much of what we have today comes exclusively from the Knightly Orders? How much of it is still a rigid set of rules that has to be followed under penalty of law? The idea of a rigid set of social rules and regulations based on a specific cultural origin is especially questionable when you understand the global and diverse nature of modern society.

I have mentioned several times how each culture around the world and every historical era throughout time have its own version of the Gentleman’s Way. We find surprising similarities between each different versions of gentleman, yet each one has its own uniqueness as well that we can learn from.

We all start off with what was taught to us, usually limited by our immediate environment. It’s defined by our culture, our beliefs, our social standing, our regional location, and our family upbringing. That’s why, even if we all call ourselves gentlemen, we all have our own little rule book. Yet our access to limitless information and knowledge allows us to shatter those limitations. The world’s a big place that’s constantly changing and evolving, so it’s only logical to do the same to avoid being relegated due to natural selection.

We must never fall under the assumption that our “style” is the only right “style.” No single person or philosophy holds a monopoly over what it means to be a Noble Man. We must never fall under the assumption that others have nothing of value to offer us in the way of knowledge. The more we learn and understand, the more we grow as gentlemen. And it’s a gentleman’s priority to never stop growing as a person. So go out, expand your horizons, and Jeet Kune Do the shit out of the gentleman you are!