The Word Earned

Boys can make babies. It takes a man to raise them.

Oprah Winfrey

Dad. Really sounds like a simple word as it gets thrown around and stuck on every kind of cheap coffee mug, preceded with the phrase “World’s Greatest.” But is it really that simple? As the world changes, so has the image we expect from ourselves as Dads. No longer are we willing to accept our role as a simple provider or are we willing to be that bumbling idiot or the babysitter when mom’s not around. Now we are a parent, doing parent things with our own dad flare. So if you are expecting to receive that coffee mug, you damn better take action to earn that prefix before the word Dad.

How do you do that?

By realizing that fatherhood isn’t a label attached thanks to having children. It comes attached with the actions you take because you have kids.

It’s not about being able to buy them a bike, but taking the time to teach them how to ride it. It’s about taking the time to read them a bed time story when all you want to do is go to bed yourself. It’s about all the games you don’t miss and the plays you attend instead of the lessons you paid for. It’s about all the homework and school you do together and not about all the tutor fees you can pay. It’s not about being able to post magazine worthy images of your kids in social media, but about living a storybook worthy life with your kids.

It’s about that costume you made or the fieldtrip chaperoning you did. It’s about understanding that bad grades and bad behavior isn’t a sign of a bad kid, but a call for help about some other issue. It’s about willing to look for answers and understanding instead of worrying what will the neighbors think. It’s about putting aside whatever issue you have with the child’s mother as you place priority on the child. It’s about willing to drop everything and relocate if needed to make sure the kid has a better chance at life. It’s about making sure you talk WITH them, not TO them.

Do any of these actions guarantee a “good” kid? No, but it sure improves their chances.

And that is what being a Dad is all about. It’s about giving your kid a chance to be a better man or woman in a world bent on breaking them. It’s about letting them know that no matter what, they can count on you. It’s about letting them know that even if they don’t yet believe in themselves yet, you do.

Paradox of Fatherhood, #DadUp

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

Khalil Gibran

One of the first lessons a father has to learn is that his son is his own person, that we cannot expect them to simply be a do-over of who we are. They will grow up with their own interests, their own dreams and their own desires. And we, as fathers, should respect these dreams as they are the stuff that will fuel the man your son is meant to be. This means giving them the space to spread their wings and make their own mistakes. Even if we say we don’t want to force our sons to continue your journey where you left off, we have to be careful and weary of our actions and approvals. How often do you tell him he is his own person, yet your reactions and encouragement say something else?

As a father, this is not always easy.

So, if your son is not to follow suit on your experience, what can you teach him? When your son’s road is completely different from your personal experience, how can you be there for him? How can you guide your son without telling him who to be? Simple. Show him what kind of man he should be.

We tend to tell our sons how to act, how to behave, yet our own actions are far from what the expectations we place on them. How can you tell them to be honest, yet we constantly lie to those close to us. We tell them that stealing is wrong, yet we do it every time we can in the way we conduct our business and do our taxes. We tell them to stand up to the bully, yet we remain seated and silent when confronted with injustice. We tell them never to be an abuser, yet will take any opportunity place in front of us as a way to strut our own power over others. We constantly teach under the ideology of “do as I say, not as I do.” There’s a word for this kind of behavior.

Hypocrite.

If you want a son who is honest, show him what an honest man looks like. If you want him to stand for himself, show him what a man standing looks like. If you want a son who grows up into a man you can be proud of, be a man he can be proud of. Stop telling your son who he needs to be, but rather show him the kind of man you want him to become.

Whatever path he chooses after that, he will walk it with the character and virtues founded on the example you set. Sure, he might not become a doctor, or a ball player, or your heir to the family business. What he will be is a man who can make the world a little better than it was before. I think that is something the world needs more off.

Men raising Gentlemen

Boys will be boys, till someone teaches them to be more.

Being Caballero

Some time ago I wrote an article on How Moms Can Raise Gentlemen. Yet for some strange reason I never got around to making one about how men can raise gentlemen. I know I have mentioned about the importance of being a role model for men around you, how your actions should be your words, and so forth, but I never quite addressed your obligation as a father to set the example for your son. 

This is especially critical in a society where men are viewed as bumbling dads, reduced to “Mom’s Assistant”, the distant dad, or at worse, the absentee (deadbeat) dad. Fortunately there has been a shift of perception on how dads are portrayed in the media, but we have a long road to travel still. Because the reality of it all is simple, you are the most important example of what a man is to your son. And this is not a responsibility that should be taken lightly!

As I did with the Mom’s article, let’s do a thought experiment. Think of the kind of man you are, how you treat your family, how you treated women in your life, and how you balance work and pleasure. Think of who you are as a man and who you have been, the good and the bad. Now think you have a daughter. How would you react to her dating a guy just like that?

Not smiling now, right? We got some work to do. The funny thing is how teaching your son to be a Gentleman is the easiest way for you to become a Gentleman, as he will become your anchor and mirror. I am not saying that good daddying will guarantee a good man. It’s up to them to actually become one. But it sure will improve his chances. Also remember that after you are done raising your boy, the rest of the world has to deal with them.

Most of the comments below will be generalizations to one degree or another. Some are about learned behavior and some are about social chains that can actually be broken. Good kids can come from bad parents and bad kids can come from good parents. With all that cleared up, let’s look at five things you can do increase your chances of raising a proper gentlemen.

1.   Teach them to respect themselves by respecting yourself. You are the first example your son will have of what a Gentleman is. In simple terms, if you’re carrying yourself as a Gentleman, they’ll recognize what it means to be one.

Do you take care of yourself in a manner that makes you respect yourself or are you ashamed of what you see in the mirror? If you want your boys to respect themselves and carry themselves with pride, you have to show them what a proud man is. This includes them learning to respect themselves enough to take care of themselves.

Maybe it’s time to start giving yourself some love. Between work, life, and kids, men forget about themselves. I know that you have enough on your plate, but you going to help anyone if you burn yourself out. You have to treat yourself right, take care of yourself, and try to create some order and stability in your life. Self-respect and self-love are contagious, but so is self-loathing.

Remember that these ideas apply to all other personal behavior. Are you modeling healthy relationship dynamics for them, or are they seeing choices you’re not proud of? Do you lie and cheat to get ahead? Do you expect respect simply by being authoritarian? Did you have your third beer before noon? They will take all your actions, the good and the bad, as what is acceptable behavior for a man. Are you the kind of son you would be proud of having?

2.    Teach them how to treat other men by how you let them treat you. Do your boys raise their voice to you or swear in front of you? Have you laughed any of this off with “boys will be boys”? If you said yes to any of these questions, you’re not contributing to making a world with more gentlemen in it. Everything you let them get away with is what they will expect other men to put up with. Teach them about respect to others and about limits to themselves. Teach them how their actions to others carry consequences.

 Remember, it is your home, and they have to abide by your rules. As much as you love your kids, you know that one day they’ll move out to create their own space, sooner or later. And that home will be modeled, for good or ill, on what they’ve learned from you.

Make them realize that being part of a household means contributing to it. Teach them about the chores of having a home, and their obligations of being part of a family. Teach them how to care for those around them, to be part of a team. Teach them that they can’t expect respect from their brothers if they don’t respect them first.

3.    Teach them how woman should be treated by how you treat the women in your life. Take a minute and look at how you treat your current partner and your past partners. The same way I mentioned you might forget about paying attention to yourself because of life, you might end up doing the same to your partner. You might not have noticed just how you treat them, or might have noticed and don’t really care.

 Try to dismiss your immediate reasons as to why you act the way you do and think about it this way: if some guy treated your daughter the same way, would you think badly of him? Whatever way you treat your partner, be it well or badly, your sons will view this as how a man will treat women during a relationship. Take care of setting a good example.

4.  Teach them how a man should be treated by how you let your partner treat you. Your current partner or the kind of women you date will influence your boy’s behavior. If you are with a woman that abuses you or simply makes your life hell, your son will see this as normal, and may end up in a similar relationship.

 If you stay in that relationship, your sons will learn that abuse is acceptable behavior and might even think that this is how women show men love or that this is kind of abuse is simply part of being a man. Establish limits and respect from your partner. If you take the time to treat them like a Lady, insist they treating you like a Gentleman. Whatever way your partner treats you, be it well or badly, your sons will view this as what to expect from women. Is your current partner the kind of person you want for your son?

5.   Teach them to be Self-Reliant. Never stay with a woman because you can’t be on your own. Teach your sons to be self-reliant; teach them that no man needs to be in a relationship to be a Gentleman. Teach them that a partner is just that, a partner. Boys have to learn that if they treat a woman badly, that woman should just leave, and if a woman treats them badly, they should do the same. People who see their partners as dependent on them tend to stop appreciating their relationship because they are convinced they can’t lose them. Understanding that a Gentleman is self-reliant, will teach your sons to give themselves self-worth. And that is the greatest gift any man can give his son.