The Brotherhood Of Fatherhood

Being a father is a choice. Staying true to fatherhood is a duty.

Joan Ambu

Brothers, and I am honored to call you brothers, to you I raise my glass.

You have faced the most terrifying and exhilarating instant in your life, and stood firm in your position from the day you found out you would be a Dad. You might have stumbled from time to time, questioned yourself in every instant of solitude you have, questioned every action you have taken since that day. We all do, and will continue doing. This is the ultimate life path as it’s a journey that never has a final destination.

It will teach you respect as you teach respect.

It will teach you patience as you teach patience.

It will teach you perseverance as you teach perseverance.

It will teach you to be a better man as you teach someone to be a good person.

To you I raise my glass and call you my brother.

The Dad who can’t wait for his 8 hour shift to be over, just to see his kid.

The Dad who has taken on the challenges of a stay home parent.

The Dad who embraced being a father to someone else’s child.

The Dad who set aside any issues with his ex-spouse because… fatherhood.

The Man who chose to be a foster parent because someone needed a Dad.

The Dad who might no longer be with us, yet his memory still teaches us what a Father is.

I also raise my glass and call my brother,

The Mother who has taken it upon herself to be a father as well.

The Grandfather who came out of retirement when his grandkids needed a Dad.

The Older Brother who became a man the day he understood the importance of being there for his younger siblings.

And lastly I raise my glass and call my brother,

The Uncle, the coach, the teacher, the mentor, and every other man who has served as a father figure and male role model to every kid out there who needed a father at one time or another.

I am proud to call you all my brothers.

The Word Earned

Boys can make babies. It takes a man to raise them.

Oprah Winfrey

Dad. Really sounds like a simple word as it gets thrown around and stuck on every kind of cheap coffee mug, preceded with the phrase “World’s Greatest.” But is it really that simple? As the world changes, so has the image we expect from ourselves as Dads. No longer are we willing to accept our role as a simple provider or are we willing to be that bumbling idiot or the babysitter when mom’s not around. Now we are a parent, doing parent things with our own dad flare. So if you are expecting to receive that coffee mug, you damn better take action to earn that prefix before the word Dad.

How do you do that?

By realizing that fatherhood isn’t a label attached thanks to having children. It comes attached with the actions you take because you have kids.

It’s not about being able to buy them a bike, but taking the time to teach them how to ride it. It’s about taking the time to read them a bed time story when all you want to do is go to bed yourself. It’s about all the games you don’t miss and the plays you attend instead of the lessons you paid for. It’s about all the homework and school you do together and not about all the tutor fees you can pay. It’s not about being able to post magazine worthy images of your kids in social media, but about living a storybook worthy life with your kids.

It’s about that costume you made or the fieldtrip chaperoning you did. It’s about understanding that bad grades and bad behavior isn’t a sign of a bad kid, but a call for help about some other issue. It’s about willing to look for answers and understanding instead of worrying what will the neighbors think. It’s about putting aside whatever issue you have with the child’s mother as you place priority on the child. It’s about willing to drop everything and relocate if needed to make sure the kid has a better chance at life. It’s about making sure you talk WITH them, not TO them.

Do any of these actions guarantee a “good” kid? No, but it sure improves their chances.

And that is what being a Dad is all about. It’s about giving your kid a chance to be a better man or woman in a world bent on breaking them. It’s about letting them know that no matter what, they can count on you. It’s about letting them know that even if they don’t yet believe in themselves yet, you do.

Gentlemen…#DadUp!

A father is a son's first hero and a daughter's first love

Unknown

With two weeks to go before Father’s Day, I thought it proper to start out with a simple shout out to all the Dads out there showing the world how it’s done. What you do is amazing considering how the world has done its best to make us our worse. We, as a society, have been bombarded with multitude of failed images of what a father figure is. From the authoritarian distant patriarch who’s presence is felt only with the fearful words “Wait till your father gets home,” to the workaholic father who’s presence is only felt by the family’s bank account, to the bumbling idiot dad who’s little more than another child within the family, to the dead beat dad who, to this day, I have no idea why the term dad is even included in the name. Modern Dads, just like the modern Gentlemen, have come to prove just how good men can be when we chose to ignore all the negative images thrust upon us.

But what is the Modern Dad?

For starters, he is a Dad, an equal partner in his child’s development. No longer can we accept being treated as Mom’s Assistant, which also means that no longer can we behave like Mom’s Assistant. For years men have felt the guilt of not being there for their children as society placed the burden of work on the man and the burden of parenting on the woman. No more! Gender equality means that we should not be forced to ignore our kids over a client. Clients and projects come and go. A neglected kid’s resentment and your personal guilt of not being there lasts forever. More so, some men are even given the blessed opportunity to be the main caregiver as stay-at-home dads, be it by choice or by necessity. Note I refuse to use the term Full time dad or mom as a parent should always be a FULL-TIME PARENT.

This is especially important when the parents are no longer married. You have just as much a right to your child’s time as the mother, and are just as important in your child’s development. This is still a challenge in a system that so often views a Dad’s participation after a divorce to a monthly check and what used to be an everyday interaction between father and child is reduced to as little as seeing your kid 4 days (two weekends) a month. Then we wonder why the suicide rate among men is so high the first year after a divorce.

Secondly, we have realized just how much fun having a kid can be and how much you can share when you’re an active participant to their lives. That distant authoritarian figure of the old “Father Knows Best” only works to alienate and isolate you from your family. Dad’s today are just as active as their kids, and as involved. You see it in the dad who takes his kid to the park in spite of the weird looks from some of the moms who think he’s possibly some perv. You see it in the dad who will proudly wear a nail polish, a tutu, and a tiara or maybe a cape and a mask if it makes his kid happy. And they’ll go out in public like this, head high, knowing that the only approval they need in life is that of their children.

Third, we have realized just how much of an influence as a mentor we can be to our kids. Fatherhood has turned the most irresponsible man-child into the most respectable of men, simply with the knowledge that you are an example to your kid. We try to change the world into a better world for our children, we start treating others as we would want them to treat our kids. More importantly, we are awakened to just how much of a selfish asshole we have been in life, and get a magnifying glass placed over other people’s self-centeredness.

Lastly, we realize just how simple and beautiful life can be, and just how important we are as a person. We become their ultimate cheerleader, supporter, approver, and fan. We realize that the title father deserves only as much respect as you do as a person, and respect is earned. Funny thing is how becoming important in someone else’s life actually humbles you as a person.

I know that it might sound cliché, but having a son or daughter will redefine the man you are and the man you should be. Make sure that when you redefine yourself, you do so into the kind of Dad your children deserve.

That being said, Gentlemen… #DadUp!