A Tailored Life

The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them.

George Bernard Shaw

Not everyone takes the time or spends the money to have their clothing tailor fitted. They assume that something off the rack, when bought in the proper size, should fit them well enough. And that’s where our most common life problem rears its ugly head, as we assume that “well enough” is good enough to make it work.

There are about 2.25 billion adult men in the world, yet we assume that they can be broken down into about 4 different body sizes. We think that, just because it’s our “size,” it will fit just like the catalog picture. And when it doesn’t, we blame the magazine for false advertisement. What if the problem isn’t that the magazine lied, but rather the magazine took the time to fit it properly to the model in the image? Most catalog clothing is actually tailored to the specific model so it fits perfectly as anyone in the marketing world knows “well enough” doesn’t really cut it.

The same thing does on for everything within this life. We read an article about how to better your life or take some advice on how to become a better man, expecting to receive the promised results. When these outcomes don’t pan out as expected, we dismiss the entirety of the information as useless. We assume that information is created as a black and white guideline format, where one size fits all, and the end results will work “well enough” for us.

“Well enough” is never good enough to make a difference in our lives.

Not everyone will get the same results from the same instructions. The first thing you need to do is understand who you are at that moment within your life. Unless you recognize who you are and know what you want, you are going to be left stranded trying to figure out why you can’t seem to become a better person. Without that knowledge, you will simply assume you are broken beyond repair and left confused as to why things work out for someone else, yet won’t for you.

After you have taken your current “measurements”, now you have to learn to listen to the advice given. We have to listen to others, but we must tailor their lessons to fit who we are. To do that, we must understand how we must tailor these lessons to fit us, and not the other way around. You have to learn to listen, to learn what to absorb, what to adjust, and what to ignore. Their lessons only work for us if we can first understand why the lesson worked for them and we can understand how to make those lessons work of us.

You need to stop trying to fit yourself into the “better man” suit created by someone else. Instead, focus on growing into a better person, one defined by you, as you work with what works for you. Take that “better man” suit and tailor it to who you are. Learn to sift through all the comments, to deconstruct every article, and search for those tidbits that give value to you.

By this time you need to realize how you can’t pick and choose what’s convenient, but rather what’s necessary. When you are honest about whom you are you can be honest about what you need. You stop living a life of convenient comfort, but strive to become better every day. You become your own tailor, as you use the lessons of others to your personalized benefit. Create the idealized “better man” suit that fits you. Now you can stop trying to fit in the ideals of others, but instead work to fit into your ideal you.

What if you’re not a failure after all?

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.

Thomas Merton

Before you continue with your usual rounds around social media today, I want you to take a moment and look for the following; how many articles pop up telling you what you are doing wrong? How many articles are simply about letting you know how messed up you are and how you should live your life? How many are about guilting you about how broken you are? The funny thing is that at the end, most are written by people or posted on sites who make money every time you feel like you are failing at life?

What if I told you that you aren’t failing, but rather you have been taught to think you are a failure? What if I told you to consider how you have actually succeeded to survive every single one of the worse days in your life, and you are still here! THAT is far from failing.

I want to take this week to focus on breaking free from the social programing you are constantly being force fed and making you realize just how much you already have going for yourself. And the first thing we need to understand is that thinking you are a failure isn’t an accident, but an open strategy that is constantly forced on you by people who want to benefit from your insecurity.

Sure, you are far from perfect. We all are. And there will be times where you DO need help dealing with those imperfections and personal challenges. But as soon as you are told that EVERYTHING you are doing is wrong, you have to wonder and question what are the intentions of the person making you feel like that. Do they want to help you?

Or do those people want you as miserable as they are? Do they want you weaker than them? Do they want to exploit you? Helping you is often the least they want to do. You can only help someone by building on the positive, by raising the person up. When you focus on the negative, you simply bury that person even further. Last time I checked, kicking someone who’s down is no way of helping them.

I am not saying that you shouldn’t own up to what you have done; quite the contrary. I am saying that the only way to take accountability for the bad you have done is by doing good. It’s not about letting someone know you feel guilty, but proving to them how you are making up for it. Focus on the good you can do, instead of the bad you have done. At that point you will realize if the person even wants you to make up for your mistakes, or they simply want to make you suffer.

Take a second and look at the good you have done; and go out to do more of it. Take a second and look at the good people you have around; and go find more people like that. Surround yourself with things that elevate you. Surround yourself with the good you want in your life. When you do this, you will notice how the good in your life starts to outnumber the bad.

“I Just Want To See You As Messed Up As Me.”

You can’t fix yourself by breaking someone else.

Unknown

As of late, I have been looking over several social situations, some that hit close to home and some that are just general issues that affect me indirectly. This got me wondering why I have stepped away from the activism front. I mean, when I started Being Caballero, part of me wanted to give men the tools to better themselves, but another part wished to help make this a better world in general. This second half made me question how I could do it without being in the front line of the debate. That’s when I look at the front-liners and understand why I stepped away.

Most people don’t want to change the world to a better place. Their intentions aren’t to fix a problem, nor is it to produce solutions, but rather to wallow in the fact that the issue exists. These can be broken down into two distinct groups, the Wounded and the Patch-Sellers. The sad part is that neither group wants to fix the problem they fight against. They just want to see the other person messed up.

The Wounded just want others to feel as hurt as they do, where retribution becomes an all-consuming goal. This want is forged by a need for others to understand their pain, a thirst for vengeance, or simply a disdain for anyone not suffering as well. They view life as unjust, as they can’t accept anyone having happiness or success if they don’t have it as well. All too often we find ourselves “helping” these people by becoming their weapons of “justice” or punishing ourselves; either are done usually out of a sense of guilt. The reality is this first group deserves sympathy, understanding, and support. They need our help and our empathy, but remember that neither is achieved by attacking someone else or torturing ourselves.

The Patch-Sellers, on the other hand, are simply looking for an excuse to manifest behavior that otherwise would be frowned upon through the use of manufactured rage and theatrical disgust. Their weapons are thing that are usually viewed under a negative light, such as aggression, oppression, abuse, and shaming yet society tends to find these actions acceptable and are even applaud them when done for “the right reasons” to help the “right people.” All too often, the Patch-Sellers will use the Wounded as pawns and shields to avoid reprisal from others, as the Patch-Sellers reap the benefit of a constant conflict as they promote an “eye for an eye” mentality. There is a reality that comes from the “an eye for an eye” ideology; the man selling the eye patches gets rich. Usually the Patch-Seller have set up shop long before the conflict became popular.

Before you get guilted into action, consider what the problem is and what's the solution you want to achieve. If you just want to take action for action’s sake, to feel like you are doing something, you will probably just complicate the problem even further and often end up hurting innocent people along the way. Stop and consider if you are even being used to promote someone’s interests and agenda. There is the real possibility that you are being used as your idea of righteousness and honor actually makes you somewhat predicable.

If you are ever in doubt over what you should do, just consider that helping someone never involves hurting someone else. You can’t fix one person by breaking another.

Never Make Yourself The Exception

There are three things in the world that deserve no mercy; hypocrisy, fraud, and tyranny.

Frederick William Robertson

Social media is an interesting thing, as it allows anyone to cast on themselves whatever image they wish. It’s like participating in a masquerade ball at a global scale where perception is more important than truth, where portraying an awesome life is more important than having one. On the opposite side of the same coin, online anonymity allows us to cart-blanc to wallow in our most base reactionary comments and actions. It allows us to judge others while at the same time excusing our own sins. And thus, online communities become at its core the land of the hypocrite.

This needs to change.

A long time ago I was told a simple truth. “Respect is what you offer others but honor is what you keep with yourself.” That’s a poetic way of saying that the only way you can talk the talk is if you walk the walk. Yet today we often love to make judgement calls on everyone, but when our own behavior is in question, we are quick to find some kind of moral justification, some excuse to why OUR behavior isn’t incorrect while if the same thing is done by another, THEY are wrong. All too often, the most judgmental among us, when caught committing the same sins they condemn, will easily excuse their behavior as they play dumb about their actions, will blame it on being human, or find some other morally ambiguous excuse.

Honestly? Being human IS an excuse to laps in moral judgement. In truth, it’s the only real excuse for it. But parading on the high ground while constantly lapsing in your own actions basically turns you into a hypocrite. And there is no greater sin than being a hypocrite.

And that’s where it bothers me. I tend to gravitate to like-minded individuals, people who hold themselves up to standards usually above those necessary in today’s society. Even if I don’t agree with you, if you are honest about yourself, I can respect you as a person. Yet so often I have found myself butting heads with those who call themselves moral people, yet after you strip away their labels and masks, are far worse than those they condemn. Their ACT of superiority is done by putting others down simply to hide their own flawed nature.

This behavior is unacceptable and inexcusable. People who act this way aren’t just lying about who they are, but are willing to hurt others to keep up this lie. Sure, they might act that way due to a personal need for approval or to compensate for insecurities, but honestly, hurting someone else because you are hurt isn’t acceptable. If anything, it’s the most dangerous form of selfishness and these people receive no sympathy from me.

You don’t need to be liked by everyone. That’s ok. You don’t even need to be morally correct always. We are human after all. What we do need is to respect others and honor who we are. What we need is an open honesty about who we are and stop making excuses for ourselves. I’ll gladly take an enemy I can respect over a friend I can’t any day.