A Gentleman is Selfish and Ladyless

It's the little boy that kisses my hand, the young man who holds the door open for me, and the old man who tips his hat to me. None of it is a reflection of me, but a reflection of them.

Donna Lynn Hope

If you do a quick search for online articles about being a Gentleman, you will notice a recurring trend. Almost all of them are either about how a Gentleman treats a Lady or about how a Gentleman should dress. And in a way that annoys me because it gives a rather mistaken interpretation of what it means to be a Gentleman. If we let ourselves be guided by these articles, a gentleman is basically a well-dressed heterosexual man, within the ages of finding a partner or has a partner. And many might be. But in a way it dissuades form the core reason you are a gentleman or who can even be a gentleman.

Based on those descriptions’, helping an old lady, helping a little girl, or helping anyone other than a romantic interest for that matter is not gentlemanly. That pretty much disqualifies most gentlemen, as if romantic advances where the core of a man’s behavior. Based on this, if the person you are helping is not an attractive lady you might chase, or your current romantic interest, your actions are not even considered gentlemanly. If taken as is, this definition places as a prerequisite for being a Gentleman, that the man must be straight, as if sexual orientation had anything to do with it.

None of this makes any sense.

The absolute reality is, you are a gentleman for yourself. It’s not about impressing a woman, about impressing other men, or about impressing anyone. The reality is if you do it to impress anyone, you are doing it for the wrong reasons; Vanity and Vainglory. You do it because you expect a lot more from yourself. You hold yourself up to a high standard. You do it because you know you can be a better man and you know the only way to do this is to push yourself every day.

You, as a Gentleman, run the thin line between Self-Confidence and Self-Doubt. You push yourself every day to be better, and restrain yourself from getting comfortable in your achievements. As much as you may want to brag about who you have become, you know full well that is the road to arrogance. You must guard against judge others who don’t do the same, because that’s not your obligation. 

You are not in it for the ladies, for the glory, or for the superiority. You are in it for YOU, because that’s what you deserve to offer the world. Everything else that happens is a result of this attitude.

NOBODY OWES YOU ANYTHING!

Before we start today, I want to make something clear. This is a message you have to internalize and remind yourself every day. You need to understand the importance of it and apply it to everyone and everything you interact with. Now pay attention…

NOBODY OWES YOU ANYTHING!

Not your friends, not your boss, not your parents, not your children, not your spouse, not your lover, not ANYONE. Nobody. The only person who owes you something is you owe yourself Respect. That’s it.

I know you have been told how we are owed loyalty to our friends, fidelity from our spouse, love from our kids, or respect form people. You have been told wrong. The reason is that loyalty, love, fidelity, respect, and everything else is something people don’t owe. It’s something given, a gift to be appreciated, not an obligation to be expected.

Too often we take things for granted because we expect them. We expect our friends to be loyal, or our partners to be faithful, or our kids to respect us, or our parents to look out for us; so we really don’t appreciate it. These are all conscious acts that these people do. They CHOSE to be loyal, to love, to respect, to be faithful, to take care of you, to look out for you. As soon as we expect it, we take it for granted. As soon as we understand how none of these actions are an obligation, we appreciate our friends, our partners, our kids, our parents; and everything they do for you.

How often do you act a certain way just to “buy” someone’s behavior? How often do you expect to be loved just because you love. How often do you pay for a drink, unconsciously expecting something, open a door, or even act like a gentleman. Nobody owes you anything!

And realize that you owe nothing to anyone. You don’t owe anyone respect, love, or loyalty. Your acts must come freely, and not by obligation. You love someone because you love them, not because they expect you too. You respect someone because you simply do, not by obligation. You have to respect yourself first and foremost, and understand how you have a choice. Anyone does not treat you as you deserve? Walk away. You don’t need to stay where you are not appreciated. 

The Greatness of Failing

Keep on beginning and failing. Each time you fail, start all over again, and you will grow stronger until you have accomplished a purpose - not the one you began with perhaps, but one you'll be glad to remember.

-Anne Sullivan-

I have noticed that the biggest reason people don’t do anything, why they don’t take chances, is the dreaded fear of Failing. Even the word “Failure” tends to leave a bad taste in your mouth. It exposes our limits and our weaknesses. It shows that we are not infallible and invulnerable. 

GOOD! The greatest gift you can give yourself is failing. 

Hear me out before you decide that I lost it. Success is great, but the truth is, if you only do what you know you’ll succeed, then you will achieve very little in life, and grow even less as a person. You see, failing is a teacher. It measures your character, it humbles you, and it helps you grow. 

Only of course if you know how to fail properly.

When you succeed, you made it. The reality is, you can never know why you made it. Was it skill, was it preparation, or was it just simple luck. You can lie to yourself and live a diluted life by assuming it was that you are just that good. The truth is you will never know.

Now, failing works differently, as long as you are willing to look at it without denial. You have to accept failure without a judgmental attitude. You failed…so what. As long as you learned from it, it’s not a bad thing. You grow, you change, and you become better. Failing is humbling, and to be honest, we all need to be humbled every once in a while. In my book, someone who fails and grows is better than someone who succeeds and stays the same.

Look at why you failed. It might be you made the incorrect assumptions, maybe you were improperly prepared, or maybe it was just bad luck. The reasons you can fail are limited only to the amount of variables you are willing to analyze. And based on what you learned, you change it. 

You dust yourself off and try again. 

That’s the other lesson of failing, Perseverance. You learn from your mistake and try again, knowing full well you might fail again. We think that successful people are those who never fail. The truth is that successful people are those who never gave up.