On Dating, Economics, and Pettiness

Stan Fields: Miss Rhode Island, please describe your idea of a perfect date.

Cheryl "Rhode Island": That's a tough one. I'd have to say April 25th. Because it's not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket.

Miss Congeniality (2000), (The Quote above has little to do with the post, but every time I think of dating, this pops into my mind.)

I have tried to avoid turning Being Caballero into a dating advice column, as I think it minimizes the purpose of what I do. That is why I have not come up with a “How a Gentleman Dates” article even though I will admit I have drafted more than a few. I try to focus on the Character aspect of being a Gentleman. But every so often, either in article comments or even full blown articles, I keep finding how money, or more clearly how men refuse to pay for dates, is a constant issue. So after being aggravated yet again by it, here is my take on the topic.

YOU DON’T PAY FOR A DATE.

You might pay for the dinner served, the show seen, the cab taken, or whatever else but not the “Date.” If you view dates as something you pay for, you also view the person you are with as little more than an Escort Service.

YOU DON’T INVEST IN A DATE.

If you think that spending money in a date is an investment, then you are openly calling your date a Prostitute. Don’t complain when she treats you like a John.

A DATE INVOLVES TWO PEOPLE.

Dating is not about you. Dating is not even about the other person. It’s about both of you having fun, enjoying your company, getting to know each other, and sharing memorable events. As soon as you focus on you and your wallet, you are admitting with whom your heart lays. If you focus exclusively on the other person, you stop caring for yourself, setting up a relationship of abuse.

IT SHOULD NEVER BE ABOUT THE MONEY.

If you feel you need to impress your date by spending a lot of money, you are either dating the wrong kind of person or really need to grow up. If you are currently broke, don’t excuse yourself to your date, but don’t limit yourself from going out on a date. Dealing with a financial crisis should be a temporary setback and not a permanent situation. If they are not willing to be with you when you are “financially limited” you really don’t need them with you when you are well off.

I personally have a golden rule. If I invite you to something, it means I will pay. Be it for coffee, a drink, dinner, a show, whatever. It was my idea to get you out of your comfort zone, so why should you have to pay for it. If you want to cover the next round or the next date, that’s great. But paying this round expecting them to cover the next one? Please see “You don’t invest in a date.”

You want to make a “cashless” date, go for it. But let your date know. “Let me prove that we don’t need money to have a good time” could actually set you apart from those who think that money buys happiness. Just don’t do the cashless date as an excuse to not pull out your wallet. The focus should be the date, not your bank account.

So, Gentlemen, please. If your focus is your wallet, and not the memories you create in life, don’t complain when they call you cheap. These are the same men who will think that being a “good provider” is more important than being a “good husband.” These are the same men who think that working to death to make a lot of money will fill their void. The reality is that anybody who thinks money will make them happy hasn't got money, nor do they understand it’s value.

There are people who have money and people who are rich in spite of having money.